Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: Episode 02 — Ready Player One with Ryan Haney

Published on 2018-06-06

Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing! 

Ryan and I met at the Alamo Drafthouse in downtown Brooklyn and got cozy with Steven Spielberg’s latest epic: Ready Player One. Ryan was a few minutes late because he had spilled coffee all over his crotch and demanded that I not make a big deal about it. After we returned to the real world, we walked down Fulton Street towards Green Grape Annex for some coffee. I got a large cold brew and Ryan got another large cold brew with a vegan banana muffin. (Bananas are the ultimate vegan ingredient according to Ryan: “It sweetens AND binds!”)

(We realize that these are not posters of Ready Player One, but rather Avengers: Infinity War. There were no posters for Ready Player One but we think this still reads)
(We realize that these are not posters of Ready Player One, but rather Avengers: Infinity War. There were no posters for Ready Player One but we think this still reads)

Dan: Ryan, first of all thank you for joining me on Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The Only Podcast You Have To Read. It’s a beautiful spring afternoon in Brooklyn, NY, the fastest growing city in America (sorry Columbus, Ohio!). We just saw Ready Player One and I only have one question for you: are you ready to clan up?

Ryan: I never clan. Nice try. But I’m keeping all my coin. I think? Because coin is money? That can send you in debtors’ prison?

Dan: That’s one of the many lessons we can take away from this film, certainly: that debtor’s prisons will return in a big way until a horny nerd shall set us free. Before we begin I just want to say that this movie is EXACTLY what you think it is. Any and all jokes you have thought of or heard of about it are true. There is a lot to unpack in this movie but I think the best way to start, as usual, is to try our best to summarize the plot.

Ryan: I’ll do my best. In the not too distant future, one nerd’s obsessive pop-cultural obsessions and social anxieties will be good, actually. Specifically, the world has gone to absolute hell. People are living in trailer parks that are STACKED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. And Columbus, Ohio is apparently the most important city in the world. That’s how you know it’s bad. Thankfully, one nerd has created a virtual reality world called The Oasis where people can escape and live out their wildest fantasies. Surprisingly, very few people appear to use this world for sex.

Dan: I think we are tossing the word nerd around very cavalierly but it’s important to note that in the world of this movie the concept of nerd-dom or geek-dom or whatever is actually very good and to be respected. In fact, the main feeling I’m left with after watching this movie is amazement (the most powerful feeling). Amazement that there is no indictment or commentary on the nature of obsessive fandom and nostalgia fueled infatuation. In fact, a very large subplot of this movie is focused on the fact that the creator of The Oasis, Halliday went on one (bad) date with a girl and then decided he was in love with her.


Dan: Sorry you’re right, plus I’m getting ahead of myself. So The Oasis is our big Second Life VR Paradise. The tasteful narration voice over that function as our introduction makes a big deal of explaining how in The Oasis, the “only limit is your imagination!” Cut to: Minecraft World (this is real). You can play space pinball golf! Surf a giant 50 foot wave! Go skiing down the pyramids…with Batman! Then the movie proceeds to take place basically just in two cyber set pieces: a big library and a generic evil mountain.

Ryan: Why have burger when you can have steak? Well, there’s trouble in paradise, Dan. The creator of The Oasis, Halliday, had sadly passed away. He most likely died a virgin. I’m not being mean. That’s actually important to the plot.

Dan: Sexuality is a very complex, layered topic and this movie does NOT shy away from not understanding it.

Ryan: But before he died of too much backed up jizz, he hid a big “easter egg” in The Oasis. First one to find The Three keys will unlock the egg and win the ultimate prize.

Dan: Oh ya that’s right, the keys. Before we go any further, we have to talk about Avatars.

Ryan: I can’t believe we skipped over Avatars.

Dan: In The Oasis, we learn, you can be anyone: any race, any sex, even a cartoon! Unless you are Asian. Then you have to be a ninja or a samurai. Also you probably have to live in or near Columbus, Ohio. In the beginning of the third act, all of our hero Parzival’s (the hero Avatar, I guess the hero is his real life identity Wade Watts) friends show up IRL and it’s basically, insane.

Ryan: Yeah, people we are lead to believe live very, very far away just start showing up in Columbus. The future is bleak, but airfare is cheap!

Dan: His friends in the game are A samurai, a ninja, and a cyborg man. The big reveal is that in real life they are: a Japanese kid, a Chinese kid, and a Lesbian. This is a Powerful Message.

Ryan: This Powerful Message is “you can be anyone you want online.” Which is actually how everyone behaved at the beginning of the internet.I tricked a lot of creeps into sex chatting me as a child. Where’s my medal? Where’s my Jade Key?

Dan: Check the Scoreboard. Ok, we’ll get back to the plot in a minute but I have to ask: What was your favorite Avatar in the movie?

Ryan: In one of the large battle sequences, I spotted one person who had chosen to be a dinosaur, which struck me as rather limiting. Everyone else is driving cars and shooting space guns, but all you can do is chomp. I have to think that was the avatar of a baby. What was your favorite, Dan?

Dan: For me, I thought the most realistic part of the movie was that there were just like, a bunch of Master Chiefs. Why explore the universe when you can just load up on Master Chiefs and go to Halo Planet.

Ryan: The future is incredible, Dan. You’ll be able to play Halo. I know you don’t believe me. You’re probably laughing at me. But trust me, it’ll happen.

Dan: It’s your 15th birthday. Your Mom just bought you a copy (?) of The Oasis. What is your Avatar?

Ryan: Great question. I think I’d probably go with Link from the Legend of Zelda. Or maybe his horse? I know I just made fun of that dinosaur, but I think it would be sick to be a horse.

Ooh! A horse with hands. This is paradise after all, right? What about 15 year old Dan?

Dan: Actually, now that you mention it, no one comes away from this movie looking better than my boy Shigeru Miyamoto. I never read the book but I have to assume Nintendo and their IP played an important role in this whole dang thing. You have every video game and 80s reference possible, but no Mario? No Donkey Kong chucking barrels at a Metroid? I don’t buy it. Nintendo said “No thanks but have fun with your Battletoads, Steven.” It’s a glaring omission and makes me wonder who else turned them down. I didn’t see a single Bubsy avatar. No Gex either. Damn shame if you ask me.

Ryan: DK smashing a metroid? Uh Dan? I liked that movie a lot more when it was called SUPER SMASH BROS., BRO!

Dan: Anyway my Avatar would be Jake Sully’s Avatar from Avatar.

Ok back to the plot: Halliday offers everyone in The Oasis a chance to win a tour of his chocolate factory if they find a golden ticket inside the wrapper of his delicious Halliday bars. Oops I mean the Keys and the Easter Egg thing. If you find the Easter Egg you get to control the company that makes The Oasis: Gregarious Games.

A big red flag for me, a lifetime GAMER, is the idea that after some amount of time, the first fucking key still had not been found.

Ryan: I am a CASUAL GAMER and I’ve spent days of my life trying to wall jump on top of peach’s castle just so I could look at a Yoshi. Not even ride a Yoshi. JUST LOOK.

Dan: Right, it’s insane to think that the entire world of The Oasis players wouldn’t have cracked the “challenge” of “driving backwards at the start of a race.” If a new Overwatch map is announced it takes approximately 8 minutes for the internet to pour over every square inch and dump the secrets into a YouTube video.

Anyway, like Isaid, the first challenge is a “race” and in order to “solve” the race, we are introduced to the Halliday Archives? I forget what they are called. But basically it’s a big library of all of Halliday’s favorite stuff oh and also 360 HD video of his entire life.

Ryan: For a man born in 1975, the resolution on his life is absolutely incredible. I think that they call this place the “Halliday Journal” which makes it sound like a newspaper. But it’s not a newspaper. It’s a library. But it’s not run by a librarian. It’s run by a butler. Also the butler is a robot. Also that robot is a (spoiler alert) man.

Dan: Our hero, Parzival née Wade Watts, goes to the archives to watch a video he’s seen “10,000 times.” In the video Halliday and his former business partner are arguing about some nonsense and then mid-argument Parzival decides to stop tape and walk away. He’s seen this scene 10,000 times! What could he possibly learn from-but wait! It turns out the very next sentence will reveal the secret to the first challenge! (Note: There is a lot of this move in the movie: solving a puzzle by watching the same video but paying more attention this time)

It turns out Halliday wished he could “go backwards, really fast.” Parzival decides that a race car can also go backwards really fast and he wins the big race with this HOT TIP.

I guess this is a good time to talk about Art3mis. Ryan, what did you think of Art3mis?

Ryan: Art3mis is every nerd’s dream. She’s cool. She’s funny. She’s mysterious. She’s a thirteen-year-old elf with spiky hair and visible scales and cleavage. But remember, Dan. People in the oasis aren’t always who they say they are. Art3mis is hiding a deep, dark secret. She’s not the beautiful, smart tough salamander she pretends to be. She’s actually a beautiful, smart, tough human…with a visible birthmark!

Dan: The birthmark reveal was…wild. The movie makes a big deal of the dangers and implications of online anonymity. Cyborg man, Parzival’s best friend even warns him that Art3mis might not be what she appears. Why, she could even be…a guy! (GROSS) When Parzival and Art3mis meet in real life, it turns out that Art3mis does in fact…have…a birthmark?(GROSS)

Ryan: But Z (Parzival’s handy nickname) is able to look past that birthmark and see the very hot person that she really is. That’s how you know he’s a real hero.

Dan: In an ostensibly touching, actually disturbing moment, Parzival literally touches and rubs her dang face moments after meeting and brushes his fingers through her hair. It’s so insane and exactly what the Hallidays of the world think is cool and romantic. That scene is everything to me. It’s so gross and macabre.

Anyway, it turns out yeah she is a gross freak with a birthmark so I bet you think Parzival moves on to go fuck a Jessica Rabbit avatar or something. WRONG. Dead wrong. He is a GOOD GUY and wants to bang her anyway. In fact, he LOVES HER.

Yes, like his (and our) hero, Halliday, he is in love with The Girl he Just Met and that is A Good Thing.

Ryan: Yes, in this world it’s good to know and tell people that you love them mere seconds after meeting them.

Dan: Oh ya also, Art3mis’ dad was killed in one of the debtor’s prisons so the…egg hunt…is important to her?

The movie makes a big deal about how Parzival “doesn’t Clan.” There is no justification for this and in fact they don’t really explain what “clanning up” is or does but it’s clear that Parzival is not into it. It’s lame, and Parzival treats the whole concept like accidentally seeing your friend’s penis in the locker room i.e. not the type of thing a Straight White Hero would do on purpose.

Oh my god, Ryan. IOI. We forgot about IOI. What is a movie without an antagonist? A “boss fight” if you will? What did you think of IOI and it’s fearless leader, Wade Something or other.

Oh wait no. Wade was the good guy? What was the bad guy’s name? Nelson? Nolan?

Ryan: Nolan. Wait. Dan: THERE IS SECRET JOCK SHIT IN THIS MOVIE. The good guy’s name is HALLIDAY! LIKE ROY HALLIDAY! And the bad guy’s name is NOLAN. LIKE NOLAN RYAN!


Ryan: Did these players play at the same time? No. But that’s not important. What’s important is that now Jocks know what an easter egg feels like.

Dan: Note: I would pay big coin for a Jeter Avatar. I’d be smashing dingers all over pinball baseball world. Ok so tell me what you thought about IOI and bad boy Nolan.

Ryan: Dingers? More like bloop singles. Sorry Jetes! Ok, so IOI is an evil corporation. I think they make money selling wetsuits that let your real life dick feel what your Oasis dick is feeling? Anyway, they want to find the egg and take over The Oasis so that they can fill it with ads and get even richer. Sure, just finding the egg would win them half a trillion dollars, but that’s not enough. That ad revenue is where the real money is at.

Dan: Oh ya the boot suits! In this world, a boot suit is a wetsuit that lets your real life dick feel what your Oasis dick is feeling.

Ryan: Am I right about that? That in the future, our greatest enemy will be the people that are currently making third-party controllers for Xbox?

Dan: The boot suits are advertised everywhere and the main selling point is that you can feel like what it’s like to get shot.

Ryan: Yeah, the trade off of wearing a fancy boot suit really doesn’t seem worth it. Like we said, people are VASTLY UNDERUTILIZING The Oasis for sex. Most of the time people are getting shot. But ain’t that America?

Dan: I have a lot of questions on how The Oasis interface actually works. We are shown in the beginning that you put on your VR helmet (brand agnostic! so that’s nice!) Then you run around on a 360° treadmill to run around in The Oasis. When you want to punch, you punch in real life. When you want to flip roundhouse kick you…flip roundhouse kick IRL. But then also, people are running around on the streets, flipping and kicking and doing Oasis stuff on the street?

Also the main bad jock, Nolan (who we will get to) has a SWEET RIG that is a big leather chair. It does not seem conducive to l33t Oasis moves but maybe that is the point? He is a Jock and will never Get It.

Ryan: It looks like Nolan optimized his rig for doing what every business man likes to do: take hard steak shits. And we have to talk about Nolan’s avatar. He has chosen to be a slightly beefier version of himself, without grey hair and with a better fitting suit.

Dan: Duke Nukem, Attorney at Law. In The Oasis, you can be anything. I actually think Nolan ruled. He was the best part of the movie. His password was bossman69.

Ryan: Nolan’s avatar just struck me as sad. Everyone else is a fucking Mortal Kombat zombie, but the coolest thing that he can think of being is himself if he went to the gym.

Dan: Honestly, that rules. Nolan rules and he is the good guy.

Ryan: Not to get too zeitgeisty, but should we talk about the fact that IOI is facebook?

Dan: IOI is facebook AND amazon. Maybe they are apple too? Or is Gregarious Games (the creator of The Oasis) apple? No, IOI is apple too and maybe Mad Catz. The point of the movie is Ryan, that companies are bad. Unless YOU own the company, then it’s good!

Ryan: Mad Catz! That’s what I was looking for. If I made my own nostalgia filled pop culture joy ride, it would be about making sure you never had to play with the Mad Catz controller when you went over to someone’s house.

Dan: Ok so, IOI killed Art3mis’ dad and now they are trying to win the easter egg hunt so they can take over The Oasis and add advertisements. Once Parzival and his non-clanned (no homo) pals get the fist key, IOI wants in on the action. Blah blah blah the second challenge appears, and we are finally introduced to Kira, the Love of Halliday’s life and wife of his ex partner, Simon Pegg.

A large part of this movie is Solving The Puzzles, and an even larger part of this movie is people saying things like: “WAIT! Halliday’s biggest regret wasn’t X, it was Y!” or “Halliday’s biggest fear wasn’t Y, it was Z!” This happens a lot and it’s stupid every time.

Ryan: It’s not stupid, Dan. Because each gigantic fuck up actually gets them that much closer to the keys. Speaking of which, the second challenge plops our heroes right into the middle of a simulation of “The Shining.” What celebration of ’80s pop culture would be complete without a very, very long Shining scene?

Dan: Oh gosh the Shining scene. Well, that certainly was The Shining. A big unintended through-line of the movie is the idea that nothing matters and once you create something anyone is allowed to shit it up and take ownership of it. I think that is the Fan’s Credo. “I own this now and I can shit it up but if you, the creator, do anything I don’t like you are dead to me.” The idea of ownership of intellectual property in the heart of the fan is the most powerful force in the multiverse. Also love.

Ryan: But mostly IP.

Dan: Anyway, the Shining scene is actually cool (no homo). Until the zombie jamboree in the ballroom.

Here’s a peak behind the curtain: Art3mis is wearing a Cool Joy Division shirt (that one) in real life in one scene and Joy Division is playing in the Cool coffee shop we are sitting in right now.

I forgot what the 3rd challenge is, and if anything happens in the movie between the Shining and the 3rd challenge?

Ryan: I liked how the riddles in this movie were often very literal. Like you have to take a “big leap” and tell that one girl you just met that you like her. Also, you have to leap into this chasm. Twice. Twice you have to take a big leap. And both time you float like your at one of those indoor skydiving places.

Dan: You have to “go backwards. really fast.”

Ryan: I think what happens next is that the IOI starts hunting down our heroes IRL. Which has very literal effects on what’s happening in The Oasis. In The Oasis you can be anything you want to be. But don’t get nudged or bumped. That will fuck your shit up.

Dan: Oh wow! Again! I forgot how they blew up Parzival’s house. With Pizza Hut drones loaded with C4.

Ryan: That was one of my favorite parts of the movie. It was a huge relief not to care or think about Parzival’s aunt or her shitty boyfriend anymore. I was glad they got blown up, but it really got to Z. After all, that was “his mother’s sister.”

Dan: Yes that was a powerful line, when Parzival reprimanded Nolan for killing “[his] mother’s sister.” IOI is hunting our heroes, but by now they have all met up IRL in Lesbian née Cyborg Dude’s modified Postal Truck.

Ryan: It was also funny that the single moment of domestic abuse in this film was sparked by Z using someone’s Mad Catz shit that wasn’t his. Can you imagine getting slapped around by your step dad for using his rumble pack?

Dan: Oh ya, Parzival’s Mom’s Sister’s Boyfriend (Dagmar Cleftjaw for all you Game of Thrones heads) gets fragged early on because he has to use bootleg gear. I should mention that if you get killed in The Oasis you…lose your stuff in The Oasis. But also you can take your Oasis hat off at any time to leave The Oasis. So if you get killed it’s only because you forgot to take your hat off before you got killed.

Ryan: But people don’t take their hats off. They all have honor. It’s part of the gamer’s code. That and “first to the egg.” And “no sex stuff.” Oh! I remember what happens Dan; BossMan69 puts a forcefield around the final key so only he and his 1984-styled workers can try and beat an Atari game before they…fall through ice!

Dan: Oh yes, the final challenge is to play Atari in a cave. Because of the big forcefield, Art3mis has to go Deep Cover as an IOI agent to disable it while Parzival and the gang recruit an army of Oasis players for The Big Fight. The Big Fight was pretty good IMO. It certainly raised a few questions, like: Were people running across giant fields in real life? How cheap are the Battletoads Avatars? There were a lot of Battletoads.

Ryan: I think you unlock a Battletoad avatar just for turning on your oasis for the first time.

Dan: Is being Chun-Li useful in a big fire fight or is it more for sex stuff?

Ryan: I gotta think it’s useful. People were so not focused on sex it concerned me.

Dan: How you gonna spinning bird kick a Spider Tank? Hello Kitty with a lancer rifle seems better suited.

Ryan: I wouldn’t have been one of the hordes of commoners that showed up to the final fight. I would have too busy plugging Tails.

Dan: So the big fight is going on and we have a very tasteful moment when Daito née Toshiro the Japanese boy meditates for a while while people yell at him to join the fight and then he turns into a Gundam.

Ryan: In The Oasis you can be whatever you want to be, Dan.

Dan: It feels very authentic, like Ernest Kline (author and screenplay writer) must have met an actual Japanese kid in school maybe.

Ryan: It just so happens that he wants to be a Gundam. Dan, we got to see the Iron Giant fight Godzilla. But what dream fights were we missing out on? Who would you have rather seen duke it out?

Dan: Wow. We should mention that although people make fun of this movie for being a video game fanfic it’s actually an anything you want to reference fanfic.

With that being said I wanted to see: Princess Peach bite off The Leprechaun’s nutsack. And maybe she says…

“Got your Lucky Charms, bitch.”

Ryan: I would have paid good money to see Michelle Tanner rip the throat out of the Noid. And then she goes…

“Did I do that?”

Dan: What if…The Rent is Too Damn High Guy teabags Crash Bandicoot…and says,

“Deez Nutz are too damn high!”

Ryan: Or Banjo Kazooie DPs the clown from Twisted Metal? And then goes…

“Gotta have my Pops, bitch!”

Dan: I guess we will just have to wait for the Blu-Ray. So anyway the big fight happens and then Parzival has to play atari.

Ryan: I can’t believe that this huge blockbuster, Spielberg’s comeback flick [The Post does NOT count — ed.], hinges on the nerdiest fucking thing imaginable. Finding the “invisible dot” in Adventure. The next time I see Steven, I’m giving him a swirly. I don’t care if he made Batteries Not Included.

Dan: It’s very silly because again, I would guess that 80–90% of the people who go to see this movie obviously know about the easter egg in Adventure and yet the millions of people playing in The Oasis who OBSESS over Halliday and all his shit didn’t seem to remember it. But yes, Parzival gets the easter egg and takes over the company.

We have a chance for the movie to make a statement of some kind, about how maybe this online universe that distracts people from the real poverty and dystopia of life on earth in 204X is a potentially dangerous thing. That living in a haze of rose colored nostalgia is a fantasy, distracting you from your life in front of you. About how Halliday, forever obsessive, clearly depressed, unable to understand humanity, is a tragic, dangerous figure. Less a hero than a cautionary tale.

Ryan: Instead, Z and his clan (never say never) decide to close The Oasis on Tuesdays and Thursdays so they can bone in big leather chairs.

Dan: You mean gently smooch and make your smokin hot gamer girl wear a kimono and fishnets for you.

Ryan: Kimonos and fishnets?! I guess real life does have its perks…

Dan: If i give this movie the benefit of the doubt, maybe the message is this: “Hollow references and mashups of pop culture do not have intrinsic artistic value, they do make for compelling entertainment and as proof: here. I have tricked you all. Love, Steven Spielberg.”

Ryan: I would say that the message is you gotta have friends. Just look at Z. But if you don’t have friends, that’s OK, too. Just look at Halliday.

Dan: There really is so so much to unpack in this movie. So we’ve reached the end of the story. Anything we missed?

Ryan: Should we talk about the power of guns?

Dan: Oh ya, guns rule. In The Oasis and in Columbus. At one point, towards the climax, Jock King Nolan is chasing down our heroes and follows them into The Stacks. A group of Noble Poor surround him and give him the old “Uh uh. No way. You’re not getting through us pal!” Then he takes out a gun and they all (hundreds of them) slowly back off.

Ryan: Not before giving him one last mean look though!

Dan: So he works his way through the crowd and right when he is about to get Parzival…THE COPS SHOW UP.

Ryan: OH YEAH!

Dan: The first cops we see the entire movie. The cops show up with more guns and…save the day?

Ryan: That put the movie firmly in the horror genre for me. THERE WERE COPS THE WHOLE TIME. It was an M. Night level world twist.

Dan: There were 5 big twists in this movie. Classic Spielberg

1) Art3mis the hot salamander lady is actually a hideous hot girl with a birthmark

2) H the Cyborg dude is actually a Lesbian

3) The two asian boys are actually asian boys

4) Cops are real in the future

5) Wade Watts is the good guy

Ryan: The crazy thing about this movie is how much it celebrates and defends the lonely male gamer. It tells all the pepes out there who are beating up McDonald’s employees for their Rick and Morty sauce that in the end everyone will like what they like and their obsessions are actually superpowers. It’s not stupid to know who was the audio engineer on the Halo soundtrack. That could end up saving the world!

Dan: It wears on its sleeve the fragile male power trip fantasy that most movies simply exist passively within. So that’s modern!

Ryan: Yeah, the entire second act of this “journey” is delving into how Halliday blew it on the ONE DATE HE EVER WENT ON and how his best friend stole his “girlfriend.” And by stole, I mean probably treated her like a normal person.

Dan: We’ve all been there!

Ryan: Part of me thinks that this movie was crowdsourced in an MRA subreddit.

Dan: Siri, boot up Oasis. Log me into Anime Titty planet. Ok, so. What were your 3 favorite things about Ready Player One?

Ryan: Ok.

1) It was hard to catch, but I’m pretty sure that I saw Sonic tear through some shithead’s abdomen during the Big Fight.

2) Nolan’s idea of an avatar is a box of “Just For Men.”

3) Also hard to catch, but I think I saw the Iron Giant curb stomp a bunch of Battletoads.

I guess I fell for it, Dan. I fell for the mash up.

Dan: Hook, line and stinker. For me:

1) I like that the boot suits have at least two different “crotch tingle” indicators: red for ouch mode, blue for sexy mode.

2) I like that Halliday keeps a child version of himself locked in an AI attic as some sort of Sisyphean punishment for himself: development forever arrested, unable to die or grow old.

3) Minecraft world.

Ok, just a few more questions and you are free to go home and log on. If you could change one thing about the movie what would it be?

Ryan: Please. I tire of this existence. Easy “Matrix” rules, baby. When you die in The Oasis, you die in real life. I think we’d see a lot more action on Pinball Golf world.

Dan: I am surprised Wade Watts never just said something like, “The Oasis rules! It’s like..The Matrix, but cooler!” The Matrix as a movie series has to exist in this world, no?

Ryan: Probably too close for comfort. We like nerdshit, but nothing that’s gonna fuck with our base reality.

Dan: That’s true. It’s like how In The Justice League movie they never say, “Damn we could really use The Avengers right now.”

Ryan: But the avengers have to exist. How else would the Justice League have known to get together?

Dan: As for me, I would probably change it so Nolan wins in the end instead of Parzival. And the first thing he does with the company is make it so nerds all have to get spanked in the locker room simulation planet. Ok final question: you have the power to change the name of this movie, what do you call it?

Ryan: 1) I Love The ’80s. 2) We Couldn’t Afford Star Wars. 3) Sex Isn’t THAT Cool.

Dan: I would go with either The Matrix Jr: Boot Suit Riot, or The Future is Male. Well Ryan, thanks for joining me today. Any last words before we sign off and jack in?

Ryan: It was my pleasure, Dan. I guess if I learned anything today, it was the inherent pleasure of slash fiction. It doesn’t matter if the Ninja Turtles are slicing the Halo guys in two or nunchucking their dicks to completion. It’s alllllll good. Like I said. The mashup got me.

Dan: You took the words right out of my mouth. You can clan up with me anytime (no homo).

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Ryan Haney has written for Funny or Die, McSweeney’s, Refinery29, College Humor, and Runner’s World. You can hear him on the podcasts ScaryTown and Sports Road and see him at the UCB Theatre in New York.