Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing!
I met up with Luke at the AMC Village 7 theatre on Saturday morning. The rain was raining and as I made my way down 3rd ave Luke texted me to let me know that the “freaks were banging down the doors” to get their Deadpool. After the movie, we slopped our way down the street to The Bean on 3rd Ave and 9th street for a couple of hot black coffees and some spotty wifi signal.
Dan: Hi Luke! First of all thank you so much for joining me today on Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. Second of all, what the fuck did we just watch?
Luke: Dan, we watched a complete and total SUBVERSION of the superhero movie genre as we know it. I’m talking The Merc’ With The Mouth, The Ryan Reynolds with the Screenwriting Credit, The Red Man With The Dead White Eyes. I’m talking Deadpool 2.
Dan: I’ve never seen a movie beg so desperately for me to laugh. It was…really sad. I felt like I was watching a long dead vaudeville star dancing for the devil, eternally pleading for a reaction from his gallery of imps and demons. Whatever it means for a screenplay to be seamless this was the opposite. Seamful joke writing we could call it. Every hamfisted plea laid bare and explicit on the Big Screen.
Luke: For he is a liar and the father of lies, as the Bible says. There’s a part of me, deep down below strata of cynicism and hate, that is screaming out “well maybe they wanted us to see the seams?” Deadpool is a meta character after all. That’s his schtick. So it’s ok that we at every single moment of the film, we can see the writers (Reynolds being one of them, which still boggles my mind), sitting at a cafe not much unlike the one we sit at now, clacking away at their computers, laughing and laughing at themselves until someone politely asks them to leave. But that voice inside me that says that…I step on its neck and killl it dead. Much like the many character deaths in the movie Deadpool 2.
Dan: I actually bet the NYU kids at this The Bean would write awesome, twisted as hell, comparable to this movie, Deadpool screenplays.
Luke: Twiztid to the maxx.
Dan: I have a lot to get off my chest before we start getting down to what this movie is, so please be patient. I took some notes and these are my immediate thoughts.
Luke: Please release this pressure that is literally suffocating you.
Dan: Deadpool 2 is cards against humanity played by kids who bought ALL the expansion packs.
If Donald Trump is a poor person’s idea of a rich person Deadpool 2 is a bad person’s idea of a funny movie.
Deadpool 2 is what if they made the whole airplane* out of the black box** (Marvel Movie* Bad Marvel Movie Jokes**)
Deadpool 2 the Major Motion Picture by 20th Century Fox and Disney/Marvel is as subversive as a Good Charlotte album.
Luke: Wow, you went topical. This is going to rile up your flyover readers and I like it.
Dan: Deadpool 2 is Gay jokes: Loud Edition.
Deadpool 2 is a rich white kid who gets away with rape because he is on the lacrosse team.
I will not deconstruct that last one for you but it is true or at least twisted. Ok whew, I’m better for now. What were your initial reactions to this movie? I will NOT spoil whether I liked it or not…I guess our fans will just have to read ’til the end!
Luke: This movie has brought out an anger in you Dan that, in the few years I’ve known you, I have never seen. And frankly I am terrified. I see steam coming from your ears.
Dan: Luke I am pissed! We’ve done what…40–50 shows together? Have you ever seen me do anything half as funny as when Deadpool 2 grabbed the metal guy’s butt like he was gay?? I am pissed I have to compete with that.
Luke: My initial reactions: I have none. I felt nothing while watching this movie. I felt neither pleasure, anger, hatred, joy, depression (which is rare), hunger (also rare). This is the first time in a while where I spent two hours in a theater and felt absolutely nothing. I may as well have went to Times Square and stared at one of the enormous LED screens for a while. That’s not to say this movie isn’t bad (it is, it’s very bad), I just…couldn’t be bothered to care about any of it. Dan when Deadpool grabbed the metal ass, I thought “oh okay”. I think it was in that moment I said ‘This is the fans of Rick and Morty in movie form’
Dan: Uh oh.
Luke: And I gave it as much thought and attention that I give them. Which is none at all I was trying to do a topical reference like you did. Did I do ok?
Dan: The best thing I can say about this movie is that while I usually get Very Mad at audiences when I see a Marvel movie for laughing like idiots at the non-jokes told in the cadence of comedy between action pieces, this audience was…pleasantly subdued throughout this whole thing. Sure, they laughed from time to time but like, very mildly. Almost as if one of the directors was sitting in the theatre and everyone knew it and wanted to be polite (I assume this movie had over 5 directors, so specific is the vision).
Luke: Yes true. They came out of the gate hot, but there was a general feeling in the theater as the movie wore on and on, that they were getting tired of this 110 minute joke fest. Let’s list the things they used for humor in this film. I’ll start:
“A Cursing Child”
Luke: Gay is good AND bad in this movie.
Dan: And that is a powerful message.
“Names of other Comic Properties”
Luke: “Speaking directly to the camera”
Luke: Which are good only. Male gayness is more complicated.
Dan: “Being Indian is funny, but also pretending a character is racist against someone Indian is also funny”
Luke: “Blind people”
Dan: “Butt stuff”
Luke: “References to a movie that came out 3 weeks ago”
Dan: “Prison Gay Stuff”
“Playing ‘slow’ music during a violent action scene”
Luke: I think…”the Japanese”? There was a strange line drawn between Deadpool and another X-Man who is Japanese. This might not actually be the case. I couldn’t tell, but by that point I was expecting something tasteless, so maybe I read it that way.
Dan: “Mentioning Dubstep”
Luke: The point is, it was a literal murderer’s row of non-jokes and jokes you thought we have moved on from.
Luke: OH YEA! There are a LOT of faceless “pedophiles” in this movie. Pedophiles / Child Abusers. My ribs still hurt.
Dan: And many more!
Luke: Should we discuss the plot? It is important to point out you did not see the first Deadpool.
Dan: That’s true, I did not see Deadpool 1. I guess if I have any questions I will ask them. I just want to say that in general, there are few jokes or laugh lines in this movie in the traditional sense. There are, rather, “points where the audience should laugh, please.” I guess that is subversive in a way. A comic book action movie that is comedy first that refuses to have good action sequences or comedy.
Luke: And I think to that point, it works in the comic book. I think that’s why the comic became so insanely popular: Deadpool as a comic was doing something entirely different than other Marvel books at the time. And nerds latched onto that. [Luke is a nerd so he can say this -ed.] So I think in a sense, these movies do a good job interpreting the character of the comics to the screen. I guess I just hate that. Additionally, comic book humor is generally Not Good, at least in the superhero sense, and that has remained true in the movies.
Dan: Sure, that makes sense on some level. I guess one major issue then is that every Marvel movie is basically a silly joke fest with no stakes. Maybe not in as “meta” a way as this one, ironically winking through every grueling act, but because every Marvel movie is jokey, Deadpool just feels like Another Thing On A Screen. Does it take itself less Seriously than some? Uh, sure, yeah it certainly does. I guess I hate ironic detachment from a form that you are embracing fully without commentary, and that is what Deadpool 2 is, baby!
I also certainly believe that the Comic version may have, or continues to be Interesting. I doubt I’d like it but again, sure, it might be innovative.
Luke: Yea I’d agree with this. There are NO important stakes to this movie. I’m hard-pressed to think of one. Which maybe that is a subversion? An entire city wasn’t destroyed, aliens didn’t land, a purple man didn’t threaten to collect a bunch of pretty jewels.
Dan: Deadpool 2 is what if you gave the Arby’s social media intern $110,000,000 and no guidance.
Luke: As someone who works in branded content for the Internet, I appreciate and get this Joke. Ok we better chomp into this plot or we’ll be here forever!
Dan: The last thing i want to say before we really “get started” is that on the walk over here I was thinking that maybe I should consider this movie separately from the comedy that I did not like, solely as a superhero action movie. Then I thought, no that’s dumb. This movie only exists because of Comedy, it is nothing without it. It fails on its own terms now matter how I try to consider it. Ok! Let’s rock! You want to take it from the top?
Luke: Re: your comedy point, yes totally. We have officially heralded it as a triumph of failure. Ok I’ll do plot I guess we should say Spoiler Alert? But here’s a spoiler: don’t see this movie!
Deadpool is sad because some no-name Russians killed his lady friend from the previous movie on the night they plan on having a child. Depressed, he tries to kill himself but he can’t because he has Wolverine powers. Then who comes to save him: X-Man Colossus (with the aforementioned metal ass). He recruits him to the X-Men and on his first mission with them to save a freakout mutant teen, he does a murder and goes to Mutant Jail. The rest of the movie turns into him trying to save the kid from Josh Brolin and blah blah blah some metaphor about family.
Dan: Wow! Usually we spent a good 3–4000 words covering what happens in the movie, Luke.
Luke: Sorry, I pride myself on my directness. Maybe we should stretch this out to be as interminably long as the movie Deadpool 2?
Dan: Well if we use our time travel powers to go back just a little, I want to take a few of these scenes one at a time.
Luke: Oh yes please. I am sorry, I thought I would just give the overall plot and then we can dive head first into this empty pool.
Dan: Well the movie opens in media res and Deadpool 2 is getting ready to kill himself. The laughs come often and early when he knocks bottles off of a shelf in his apartment and the people in our row laughed.
Luke: Yes, he’s prancing around like a little murder fairy, being very whimsical about his suicide. It’s important to say that Deadpool literally blows himself to smithereens in this movie. All his body parts detach from his torso like a crash test dummy and then a minute later, he is fine.
Dan: Ya and I mean, I ‘m actually fine with that! Both as a device and as a character trait. I have literally no issues with Mutant Powers. I don’t care about rules in superhero movies unless the movie does. And this movie doesn’t so I’m actually totally fine with that. Unkillable regeneration power creates interesting opportunities for storytelling AND comedy.
But anyway, after the explosion we flash back to like I guess, the past few months where he runs around chopping up capital F Foreigners. These were most of the scenes in the trailer if I recall. They were…tame? Lame? Tlame? The main thing I heard from people about Deadpool 1, other than “it’s actually surprisingly funny” is that the “action scenes [were] awesome.”
Luke: Yea this is classic Deadpool being Deadpool. All the fight scenes in this movie were pretty inscrutable and bad. I rarely knew what the actual physical body movements people were doing. It’s as if physics stopped. And it probably did, because a lot of it is CGI and bad camera movement. But he kills everyone! Also there was a fun pedophile joke in this intro, do you remember that one Dan? And by “fun” I mean “not fun.”
Dan: Great question…and yes! After getting “bad guy blood in [his] eye”, Deadpool 2 wipes his eye with a traditional japanese mawashi (sumo diaper lol) and looks at the guy’s penis and says, “Scoutmaster Kevin?!”
Luke: I like it because it has levels.
Dan: He also gets a joke in real early about how he’s not even gonna TRY to pronounce a Chinese name. My biggest fear coming into this movie, and this is an actual fear I had before bed last night, was that there would actually be some pretty funny stuff in this movie and I would have to eat crow.
Luke: That’s why they call them nightmares Dan. They never come true.
Dan: Ok, well after the intro, um, Deadpool 2’s girlfriend dies and they like….visit each other…in Heaven? Luke, there is Heaven in Marvel? That’s cool I guess.
Luke: Yes, and this gets into my biggest gripe with the movie. Can I have my gripe?
Dan: Yes. You may.
Luke: Outside of the entirely bad humor, which is bad and offensive in its own right, this movie makes wild tonal shifts that we as an audience are supposed to just take on the chin like they are nothing.
Dan: Oh sure, but that’s literally what a Marvel Movie Is. Almost by definition we have to care when we are told to care and laugh when are told to laugh and not care when we are told to not care. Deadpool 2 just shows you all the seams. BUT I AM SMART ENOUGH TO ALWAYS SEE THEM LUKE EVEN IN THE OTHER MOVIES!
Luke: This feels even more egregious and jarring than most though. So right after the intro bit when he’s doing the murders, he meets with the girlfriend and it turns into The Engagement.
Dan: Eh, there is very little difference to me between Deadpool 2 and Deadpool 2’s girlfriend couch surfing in heaven and Captain America and Bucky Barnes arm wrestling over a cold Budweiser or whatever the fuck they do. Everyone in all these movies kills everyone else all the time and does quips at all times but also they are Just People just like you and me even.
Luke: They are trying to paint this 2-D character with a 3-D brush and what they’ve created is an artistic monstrosity. is this a metaphor? Are there 3-D brushes? We may never know.
Dan: I think in the VR, yes.
Luke: It just feels so untrue to me, more than their WWII romance.
Dan: Sure, that’s fair. Captain America at least tries to take itself Seriously so I guess that stuff plays better tonally.
Luke: Anyway, he has this moment where he can’t save the life of his girlfriend, and that plunges him into this suicidal depression. After she dies, she periodically sends him messages from heaven. Yes there is heaven Dan. Marvel is specifically Christian, don’t forget it. There’s even a joke in here about religion somewhere. I think Deadpool explicitly says “other religions are bad.”
Dan: Ok so….after he blows himself up, Colossus the Metal Russian X-Man…shows up? Why does he show up again?
Luke: I guess the X-Men have a distribution list where they can keep UTD on all Mutant Happenings.
Dan: They clearly establish that Deadpool 2 and Colossus are friends or something but why does he show up exactly? I don’t remember.
Luke: Yeah in the first movie, they both team up with a character called Negasonic Teenage Warhead. So Colossus’ character thing is he is just a Big Dumb Good Guy and wants to help Deadpool even though at no point ever was Deadpool nice or good to him.
Dan: Totally, but my question is like, even more specific: how did Colossus show up at Deadpool 2’s house?
Luke: Yea, I think it was the D-List. Canonically, Professor X has a machine that lets him look at every mutant on the world, keep tabs on them. Maybe that?
Dan: Great! So Colossus carries Deadpool 2 to the X-men house and helps him revive. I actually….liked the joke where the mainstream X-men close their door in the background. That was a nice joke, Luke! Deadpool 2 says something like, “Where are any of the cool X-men? These are all rejects!”
Luke: Yes, I appreciated that one. That even got the audience to be on the verge of clapping.
Dan: It is one of the few examples I can think of where this movie “goes meta” in a way that is an actual joke.
Luke: So we gotta get to this kid I think.
Luke: Or not! Nothing matters.
Dan: Colossus’ main MO seems to be getting Deadpool 2 to join the X-Men for some reason. Deadpool 2 is not interested. Eventually they convince him to come on a mission. Do you want to talk about the Japanese girl first?
Luke: Also, why does Deadpool have to be an X-Man? He’s a literal maniac.
Dan: Because Family.
Luke: Oh right, I forgot the thesis. But also, the Japanese girl?
Dan: This movie has a weird relationship with “Asians.”
Luke: I think we can call them Asians, Dan it’s 2018.
Dan: All kinds of people who would choose to identify as Asian will have something to feel upset or at the very least confused about. Or maybe not confused, they have had to live with similar treatment in mass media their whole lives I am just very recently WOKE AS HELL. But anyway, there is a super kawaii Japanese girl who Deadpool 2 does Kawaii stuff with throughout the movie. Whatever, maybe it’s not capital R Racist but it was certainly up there with the audience laughing every time the Indian guy said Indian sounding stuff. And like most things in this movie, it is clearly intended for laughs but isn’t actually saying anything other than this is Japanese.
Luke: Yes, agree. This character’s name is Yukio, by the way. I had to look that up even though it’s said several times in the movie, because her character is essentially boiled down into this joke.
Dan: I guess this is one of those situations where this can all be read as like, ironically calling out problematic stuff. Deadpool 2 isn’t racist or homophobic it is making these jokes ironically! I actually am ok with that argument in a vacuum, but it can’t be applied everywhere and the specifics of the jokes and the context need to be considered. If you are saying something “problematic” ironically, what are you actually trying to say about that behaviour? What is the comedic idea you are pointing out? If there is no answer to those questions your racist joke is functionally equivalent to being racist. QED.
Luke: Oh it’s done ok! I won’t comment then.
Just kidding Luke I was being ironic.
Luke: I was only going to mention how the supposed audience of this film, which we have thoroughly thrashed, might not see them as jokes. But that is me speaking from my Liberal Elite Bubble.
Dan: And your Liberal Elite Bubble Butt. Now that’s a good joke.
Luke: Dan don’t touch it please. That would be Gay.
Dan: Oh yeah before Deadpool 2 goes on the mission he…hugs Colossus and…grabs his butt, to thunderous laughter. Is that a callback to the first movie that I didn’t get?
Luke: As far as I know, it’s not. And there’s no mention that I can remember of Deadpool being attracted to men either. So to me it reads entirely as “gay=funny”.
Dan: Cool, yeah there is a lot of that! Well Deadpool 2’s first mission is that a mutant kid is causing a ruckus downtown and they have to stop it.
Luke: The kid’s name is Fire Hands or Fire Fist.
Dan: Deadpool 2 has to wear a trainee X-men uniform which is…not a not funny idea. Within a single scene the movie decides to do the following joke about 7 times:
Deadpool 2: “I’m an X-man!”
Someone off camera: “Trainee!”
Luke: I did like the runner of everyone calling him a trainee.
Dan: Luke they do it 7 times in 5 minutes. That’s not a runner.
Luke: It’s a runner if they are sprinting as fast as they can!
Dan: That’s like an improv 101 student getting a legitimate laugh from an audience and then saying the same catchphrase over and over until the teacher in the tech booth mercifully blacks out the show.
Luke: I don’t see any problem with that. “Is it hot in here?!” That was my 101 catchphrase.
Dan: Fair enough. Well Deadpool 2 tries to make friends with Fire Hands and…it..works? I had to go to the bathroom so I left and when I got back everyone was in mutant jail. Can I guess what happened?
Luke: It’s at this point you went to the bathroom. Yes please guess.
Dan: Ok so maybe Deadpool 2 stops the kid and says to the cops, “Ok cuff this butterball I gotta go drain the lizard.” Then he pulls down his pants to pee out one of the fires that fire hands made and one of the cops puts cuffs on his dick and he says, “Aye caramba! Pants down don’t shoot!”
Smash cut to they are in mutant jail.
Luke: This exactly right. CABLE.
Dan: Oh yeah Cable shows up! We finally see Cable at this point. Cable is fun actually as the Straight Man (no homo) of this movie.
Luke: Yea he’s Terminator with a Heart. So Terminator 2.
Dan: Ya he was from a different movie and he wound up in this one. I wonder why they didn’t have any better jokes about Cable? Basically, Cable is a time traveler and he comes back to kill Fire Boy because in the future, Fire Boy is bad. It seems weird that there were like, no jokes about him? Just that he has a “robot arm” and lots of characters have “robot arms”.
Luke: Oh also, he’s fake racist. That’s Deadpool’s main joke at him.
Dan: This movie does a thing that a lot of bad comedies do (it actually does a lot of these types of things, but we’ll focus on this one first) where a character makes a forced joke about another character and the movie decides that this joke will stick. And they do it a bunch and because it already happened to it can now continuing happening and each additional time it is Earned because we forced it to happen to begin with. For example: Cable is racist.
Luke: Yea and it was forced in such a terrible, bizarre way that my eyes literally rolled out of my skull. I have no more eyes.
Dan: A similar version of this is you have one character have a weird physical feature that doesnt matter and then another character can make fun of it. That is barely funny in real life, it especially isn’t funny when YOU GAVE THE CHARACTER A SILLY MUSTACHE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Another character saying “nice mustache hitler!” isn’t comedy, you gave that dude a hitler mustache in your script you bozos. I hate that particular trope.
Luke: But Dan, it’s funny when people look funny.
Dan: In real life, sure! But not when you write it that way!
Luke: Big feet? That’s different from me, feel my wrath! Deadpool is a bully. 100%. This is why I hate him, I just figured it out. He makes jokes at everyone’s expense because he doesn’t like himself. Cable even calls him out on this. A BULLY IS NOT A CHARACTER I WANT TO ROOT FOR.
Dan: Hmm. To me, characters in this movie aren’t particularly mean, which is something that also doesn’t usually work in comedy (see Overboard). Deadpool 2 is kinda rude but not super mean.
Luke: Dan I disagree. He is a meanie. He is an unrepentant bully who pretends to learn a lesson at the end.
Dan: Sure he is, but everyone else isn’t. In Overboard, the companion movie to Deadpool 2, everyone is mean all the time to everyone. So I guess compared to Overboard, Deadpool 2 is good. Which is actually true as crazy as that sounds.
Luke: Is that saying much?
Dan: It says it all. Anyway Deadpool 2 and Fire Hands are in jail and they are wearing anti-mutant collars so they can’t do powers. Fire Hands’ main character trait is doing “prisony” “gangster” “hip-hop” (read between the lines) things.
Luke: Strange enough, this child actor was in a movie called Hunt For The Wilderpeople a few years ago. It’s a New Zealand comedy and it’s great. But his character in this movie is EXACTLY the same as that: parentless, hip-hop troublemaker.
Dan: Oh yeah, I was going to mention that. It’s super weird that they just took that character whole cloth and plopped him in here.
Luke: It’s almost exactly the same. Boy looking for a dad. In Wilderpeople it’s Sam Neill, in this it’s Deadpool/Juggernaut also?
Dan: Do I have to say that I would have been more interested in Taika Waititi’s Deadpool 2? Well in either case they make a big deal about him having a pen in his butt and Deadpool 2 thinks that’s gross. They do prison stuff for a while and you can write all the jokes in your head and eventually Cable comes.
Luke: Add that to the list of Sources of Comedy. “Boy with pen in butt”.
Dan: Oh yeah during all of this we learn that there is one super bad dude in Mutant Jail that everyone is scared of. During the fight with cable / escape, Deadpool 2 gives Fire Hands the old “I’m not your friend, get outta here kid, go find a friend!” thing for some reason. Why did he do that Luke? Other than for story reasons.
Luke: He has a Death Wish? He fears commitment? A man-boy relationship is “gay” which, as established in this movie, is weird and wrong?
Dan: Oh interesting.
Luke: I honestly think it’s because he wants to be dead. But he also fights Cable to protect the boy. This makes no sense.
Dan: Ohh sure, so it is an actual I’m no good for you kind of thing. I don’t want attachment. Ok sure, well anyway he falls…out of the prison… and down a mountain into an ice lake.
Luke: People who get close to me get killed. Yes and then he gets a ghost message from his girlfriend in heaven that he now must protect Fire Boy. So: LET’S MAKE A TEAM!
Dan: God this movie is so long. They haven’t even made the team yet.
Luke: It’s nearly 2 hours long. Ok, so this team thing. This had the one thing in the movie I liked.
Dan: Right so Deadpool 2 and TJ Miller do a casting call for Team members. Luke how do you fuck this montage up. It’s the easiest thing in comedy. Just have a cattle call of funny mutants come through.
Luke: But Dan, they were so funny! There was Big Guy, and Acid Spit Guy, and Invisible Guy and REGULAR MAN. Oh PS — the Invisible Man was Brad Pitt.
Dan: I mean the actual guys they chose were…fine. Not super funny but none of them were unfunny, I just mean like, have 20 mutants come through. Really flex those comedy chops! Show me some freaks!
Luke: And which chops are those? The ones that have been on display for the first hour of the movie? I would love some freaks. There weren’t even really any freaks in the prison either.
Dan: This is a layup of a scene, I don’t know.
Luke: I totally agree. It was weak and bad…BUT…It did introduce the only thing I actually liked in the movie: Domino. I thought she was Good and Fun, even though she was given almost nothing to do. The only semi-interesting action scene was hers.
Dan: Yeah, Domino was good! I thought she was good. Do I know the actor from anywhere? I hope she gets a lot of work!
Luke: I had to look her up. She is in Atlanta? Zazie Beetz.
Dan: Oh sure, and Geostorm.
Luke: Oh God, Dan. Are you sitting down? I have news. There’s an announced X-Force movie!
Dan: Oh…cool. Well she is the bright spot in this movie so that’s good! I just hope TJ Miller gets more work before he is in jail forever.
Luke: No comment. Ok so the team is bad. Not only in their scenes, but the second they jump out of the plane to execute the Big Plan, they all die except for Deadpool and Domino. Maybe that’s why the recruiting montage was so bad? Did we experience another subversion of the genre that we didn’t even know we were experiencing?
Dan: I’ll be fair, killing off the whole team was…fine! Funny even in an abstract way. It was a classic subversion. Yeah for sure. I was totally ok with all that bullshit.
Luke: Even in a meta element, I was thinking “oh great now I have to care about these characters” and then they just killed them. Which made me happy for their deaths.
Dan: I liked when they played AC/DC and jumped out of a plane.
Luke: I feel like you missed the part where I said The Vanisher (the invisible guy on the team) was Brad Pitt. Or just purposely ignored because it’s the definition of Uninteresting.
Dan: No I saw that. I saw it in the movie too. I should point out it was not Brad Pitt it was bad CGI Brad Pitt. Bad Pitt.
Luke: I just did a Google, and he is given credit in the film. Maybe he licensed his Face Only.
Dan: I want to point out that I’ve done two episodes of this podcast from The Bean on 9th Street and 3rd ave and both times someone has taken the bathroom hostage and shit unmercifully for >15 minutes while a line forms around the block.
Luke: (readers at home: this is happening right now) Should we discuss the baby legs? I know we are close.
Dan: That’s not yet is it? First Cable takes TJ Miller hostage and makes him give up the location of the convoy transferring fire hands. We should note that in the future Fire Hands is bad and kills (killed? killeds?) Cable’s Family.
Luke: Dan I noted this. It’s important to re-note though, because it gives Deadpool and Cable a very tenuous reason to Team Up. Family, etc etc. Anyway, there’s a big car chase and in the car are all the Prisoners and Fire Boy and the car crashes and we finally get the Big Reveal of the Big Bad from the prison and it’s the most ironic, Meta supervillain of all time: The Juggernaut BITCH.
Dan: Oh yeah sure, so Cable, Domino and Deadpool 2 are all fighting over the bit train car mobile to get at Fire Hands. Eventually they do yes release the Juggernaut, bitch. Did you feel anything before during or after this reveal? Were we supposed to?
Luke: As I mentioned before, I felt nothing during. But I guess now, after the fact…. I still feel nothing. I feel it was entirely predictable as the nature of that character has taken on a generic Meme-level of irony.
Dan: Great, anyway The Juggernaut rips Deadpool 2 in half and then we get a scene that I’m sure someone loved.
Luke: The Juggernaut looked TERRIBLE in this movie. It was CGI that was so bad, they couldn’t even show his mouth when he was talking.
Dan: It was…weirdly bad. Who was a better on screen Juggernaut in your opinion? Vinnie Jones or this extra from season 1 of ReBoot?
Luke: Ok yes, the scene everyone in the theater loved. We are there now. Let’s get into it.
Dan: So Deadpool 2 gets baby legs, because his real legs got ripped off and new ones are growing. It’s basically this scene from a 7 year old episode of American Dad:
Where Stan gets baby legs, because his real legs got ripped off and new ones are growing.
Luke: Ok at the start of this scene, I have a question. I need your help.
Dan: Hit me. Are you going to ask whether a top half of a new Deadpool 2 grew out of the legs?
Luke: I’m not, but now I can’t stop thinking about that Deadpool is sitting next to Old Blind Lady and they are having a Moment. And then Deadpool asks Old Lady to touch his legs? And then she says something like “that feels weird” and then he says something like “that’s because it’s not my leg.” Did Deadpool trick a blind woman into touching his penis?
Dan: Yeah so? Are you offended, square? Ricky Gervais would like a word with you, snowflake.
Luke: Dan, I know it’s 2018…
Dan: Also what was the blind lady’s deal? she was blind but also bad at hearing?
Luke: They explain her in the first movie. Basically, she is Deadpool’s roommate and he likes her because she can’t see how hideous he is.
Dan: Oh cool.
Luke: It’s very cool.
Dan: So the baby legs. This scene is well over 10 minutes (in my head). It’s insane.
Luke: There’s a Basic Instinct reference and TJ Miller says “It’s his BASIC INSTINCT”, in case anyone didn’t get it.
Dan: Right but also, if you didn’t get it when he uncrossed his legs, saying the words Basic Instinct will not help because you don’t know what that movie is or even that it is a movie. Also to be clear, a grown man with baby legs is very funny. That’s why American Dad did it 7 years ago. And probably many others before!
Luke: In a vacuum, yes I would laugh at it.
Dan: This scene is super long and every character in the movie shows up to do some baby legs jokes. Including Cable who also needs help now because the Juggernaut is too powerful. Cable and Deadpool 2 agree that if they can get to Fire Hands, Deadpool 2 is allowed one chance to help the kid and set him on the right path. Fire Hands wants to go blow up the bad orphanage run by pedophiles, and if he kills the evil headmaster he will himself become evil so we have to stop that.
Luke: But Cable is just trying to kill a child. Let’s be clear about that. He has a gun and he can just get kinda close to him and Shoot him in the head He doesn’t actually need their help.
Dan: It is useful when people’s lives are determined by singular events. Luke what singular event most defined your life?
Luke: I’m not sure, but it probably involved a sandwich.
Dan: If Cable had to go back in time to change one thing to prevent you from becoming a branded content specialist, what would he have to do?
Luke: He’d have to kill me at birth, because I was born to love brands baby! Wait, I want to go over this point. Cable does not need the Deadpool’s help. He is trying to murder a child. The Juggernaut’s mere presence near him would not stop that. He just has to get relatively close to him with a gun then turn on his Tardis and BAMF out of there.
Dan: Yeah so?
Luke: So why the hell does he go to Deadpool for help?!
Dan: That’s what I’m going to say now when you have any question about any of the nonsense in this movie.
Luke: EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!
Dan: Luke it is a comedy. Take it easy!
Luke: This is Film, Dan. Do you think Werner Herzog takes it “easy?”
Dan: Film is an F word.
Luke: Was Fellini, when filming the masterpiece La Vita e Bella, taking it “easy”? How dare you. So there’s a big showdown. Oh wait. Deadpool does a movie reference at Colossus to get him to help beat Juggernaut.
Dan: Oh sure yeah Deadpool 2 goes back to X-Men house and does a Say Anything.
Luke: Which doesn’t work at first, but then it does. I honestly wanted Cable to murder this kid. I was rooting for it. I wanted the kid to kill all the pedophiles, then Cable to kill Fire Hands and then Deadpool to kill himself. The End.
Dan: Well everyone shows up at the orphanage after a cab ride. Do we need to talk about the cab driver character?
Luke: He has a big role in the first movie, and in this is requisitioned to the sidelines.
Dan: I see. Well in this movie his role is to “act Indian” for laughs and “be sincere” for laughs.
Luke: So no different from the first. His primary “want” is to do murder, like his good pal Deadpool.
Dan: Right but he is an effeminate Asian and those are at odds.
Luke: So the big showdown is here, all the beef is on display. Colossus vs Juggernaut.
Dan: Honestly, why was that fight so bad? I would have loved to see that matchup as a kid.
Luke: It was extremely bad and not good. They did this thing where they were cutting between three different fights and each of them could have been cool and they were all bad.
Dan: Even now, part of me was like, oh cool, this could be a fun showdown! I felt like I was watching two mean clumsy kids play Clayfighters at the Blockbuster demo station.
Luke: It was Celebrity Deathmatch level action
Dan: It was all floppy and loose.
Luke: We should talk about how Juggernaut dies. Spoiler alert: Juggernaut dies.
Dan: I mean, he doesn’t Die. No way does he die. They just put a wire up his butt. And electrocute his butthole.
Luke: We see the Juggernaut’s bare ass in this movie and honestly? Kinda small! I was disappointed.
Dan: Consider yourself subverted, Juggernaut!
Luke: Amidst all the punching, Colossus rips the ass out of Juggernaut’s pants.
Dan: Now who’s the juggernaut, bitch!
Luke: Yukio ties him up, Colossus puts a wire up his butt, and then Negasonic Warhead pushes him into a pool, and he fries..He has to be dead, Dan. He was electrocuted in a pool!
Dan: 2. I would have loved it Ryan Reynolds turns to camera and said: Now that’s what I call a Dead Pool 2.
Luke: Yes. Someone should have said it, then cut to credits, movie over, no resolution, just The End.
Dan: Instead, Cable tries to shoot Fire Hands and instead Deadpool 2 jumps in front and eats the bullet, but not before he puts on an anti mutant collar so that there are..stakes…? To really show the kid he is truly loved?
Luke: This kid is not lovable! He should die. He’s a piece of shit. If this movie was all about subversion, he should have been killed after getting his revenge.
Dan: Nah he’s a kid. You missed the point of this movie. “Kids allow us to be better than we are”.
Luke: I guess you’re right and in a sense, so is Deadpool. You are Deadpool.
So Deadpool dies at the end and gets to reunite with his wife in heaven, right?
Dan: Yes but first there is a long I’m dying but slowly so I can do lots of quips scene that you’ve seen a million times.
Dan: So yeah, after Deadpool 2 dies he is back in Marvel heaven with Morena Baccarin and they get to hang out. We learned earlier that Cable has only 2 Time Travel tokens and he used the first one to travel back so he is saving the second one to travel back to his fam. But instead! Cable decides to use his time token to go back and save Deadpool 2.
Luke: Cable RIPS DEADPOOL OUT OF HEAVEN.
Dan: I refuse to even go into the time travel issues with this because a) I don’t care enough and b) no one cares about arguing about time travel in movies, including me. Parse that last sentence at your peril, I have issues but also Don’t Care. Interesting.
So they redo the final scene and instead Cable plants a lead token on Deadpool 2 so that when he shoots him it doesn’t actually kill him. Fire Hands is still touched by the act of generosity and everyone is happy.
Luke: This whole movie, we are set up to believe that Deadpool wants to die because he lost the love of his life. Then, he does something noble, saves a kid, and gets to go to heaven, even though he is a huge piece of shit. And then, inexplicably, Cable gives up the chance to see his family again, which is the entire point of his mission, so that he can save this asshole and ruin the reunion with his dead girlfriend. Look, I know the movie is all about “family” and whatnot, but this ending is fucking terrible. This reeks of “studio doesn’t want to kill off their future money” shit.
Dan: To be fair Luke, Cable says he decides to “Stick around” to basically prevent millenials from ruining the world of the future.
Luke: Ok Grandpa.
Dan: The timeline jumping is also super wonky in the sense that we are lead to believe there is one timeline only ever and cable can jump around in it. Which…ok. The movie does a self referential thing where it categorizes things that are happening as “lazy writing” out loud and with a wink, a few times. Which again…ok cool, but it still is, Even if you acknowledge it. It’s up there with ironic racism not excusing racism. Wow! I guess I Do Care about time travel after all!.
Luke: I would never expect this movie to handle time travel with any finesse. This doesn’t really bother me. Also the comics do basically the same thing. It is supremely ironic though, that the movie calls out the “lazy writing” of time travel, when this entire movie is in fact an example of very lazy writing.
Dan: Acknowledgement isn’t like, permission, you still need to attempt to say something funny or interesting or at least be thoughtful in what you are saying.
Luke: I guess that’s the greatest meta joke of all time.
Dan: Uh, does anything else happen? Or does it just end? I literally don’t remember.
Luke: The cab driver does a murder.
Dan: Oh sure, yes.
Luke: He murders the Head Pedophile. So his arc gets a nice neat little bow on it.
Dan: Right, and Deadpool 2 says that he heard the cab coming from a mile away and tried super hard not to laugh.
Me too Deadpool 2, me too. Except I didn’t have to try super hard.
Luke: You had done a great job for the 1 hour, 50 minutes before that. Do we even talk about the post credits stuff? Does it matter?
Dan: Uh sure. There are 2 post / mid credits things. Deadpool 2 has the two leftover Girl Characters fix the time travel thing that Cable had and then goes and redoes the parts of the movie where his friends die and also some Wolverine stuff that I didn’t understand.
Luke: FYI for the readers at home. While we have been sitting here, I have heard Dan audibly groan and moan at least 10 times. Just a fun peek behind the curtain. Yea, so he travels back to the first stand-alone Wolverine movie, where Ryan Reynolds plays a notoriously atrocious version of Deadpool and he kills him which, effectively, is killing himself.
Dan: There is a meta Green Lantern joke where Deadpool 2 kills Ryan Reynolds who is reading the Green Lantern script. But like, honestly? I would be way more embarrassed to have a writing credit on this movie. Actors act in bad movies all the time dude, it’s a good paycheck!
Anyway I’m sure this movie will make a lot of money for a lot of already rich people and hopefully really kickstart Zazie Beetz’s career so I’m sure no one is embarrassed..
Luke: The audience fucking loved this entire sequence.
Dan: Oh totally. I dunno man. I’ve been avoiding seeing any Deadpool content for most of my life, partly out of knowing it is designed specifically as antithetical to what I enjoy or look for or strive to create, but also partly out of fear of it being competent. With all of that baggage, Deadpool 2 was worse than I expected, specifically in the Comedy department. The action / superhero stuff was literally average! It was fine, a good enough version of that thing.
Luke: Deadpool is perfect for 12 year olds and nerds who are still 12 year olds mentally. I say this as a full-fledged nerd who actually likes all this Marvel stuff. It’s basic, inappropriate humor that mostly gets by on lazy references, which is I guess what nerds like? I for one, do not.
Dan: Well yes the vast majority of the references are very lazy. You can find lots of writing on the internet about how references are not jokes and most of it done more eloquently than I have the patience to.
Luke: I feel like that is very hateful and mean to say, but I just don’t see the value in the character or the movies.
Dan: Oh I mean, I am not even going to bother to evaluate a point or purpose or message or objective or character wants. This movie exists to sell tickets to this movie and for specific audiences to nod knowingly and laugh at people who Don’t Get It.
Luke: The movie itself is a reference. Isn’t that what all the Marvel movies are? Here’s a reference to the comic books you loved as a kid. It’s the Ouroboros, the snake that constantly eats it tail and shits out itself over and over. People like it because it’s what they know. “Hey I’ve seen this shit before!”
Dan: Ideally, the best Marvel Movies (and all movies, why not) manage to rise above that referential treatment, just shuffling around scenes and characters we recognize from already having seen them a bunch, and present something new or abstract or maybe even insightful. And to be clear: if you enjoy this movie. That’s fine! It’s even better than fine! That doesn’t hurt me. Enjoy it. I believe in the deepest parts of my soul that you can a) like something, enjoy something and b) it can still be bad. Here are some bad things that I like:
Luke: Dan, no. This can’t be true.
Dan: I do. I’ve seen them in concert…a lot!
Luke: Oh dear. I love a lot of very bad things. Almost all horror movies.
Dan: I’ve watched two seasons of The Magicians. It’s horrible.
Luke: Also to be fair I have seen a band called Skeletonwitch several times, but they are objectively good at what they do.
Dan: The Magicians…are not. The Magicians is the horniest, saddest thing on television. But that’s another podcast altogether….
Well we made it through the P-word Plot. Anything we missed? Anything you want to mention before we get to the Big Questions?
Luke: You remember when I said Brad Pitt was The Vanisher?
Dan: Yes a few times.
Luke: I just want to bring that up again, as it’s the only thing that qualifies as “interesting” with regards to this movie. Also, there are two hillbillies in this movie that interact with Cable when he comes to this time and they are played by Alan Tudyk and Matt Damon. The End.
Dan: I must have been in the bathroom during those interactions? You should have texted me.
Luke: People who use their phones in a theater are social terrorists. There I said it.
Dan: The real social terrorist…is Marvel? Ok Luke, my first question is, what were your 3 favorite things about this movie?
Luke: Ok, let me think. This could take a while.
Dan: I also wish you had a view of the bathroom line at this coffee shop like I do. These poor people have been standing there since Billy Joel was playing 30 minutes ago. Talk about a river of dreams!
Luke: The same people? Talk about social terrorists!
Ok, 1) Domino. That is easy.
2) I had a slight chuckle in the post credits when Deadpool kills the old Deadpool. I think my only official laugh of the whole film.
3) Brad Pitt is The Vanisher.
That’s it. I look forward to a time when I never have to think of this movie again, which will happen the second we stop talking about it.
Dan: For me:
1) I liked when they played AC/DC and jumped out of a plane. That was F-word Fun.
2) I like that I can finally have specific, pointed discussions about how bad Deadpool is rather than the generic ones I’ve been having up until now.
Luke: Could this be the first time you don’t have 3? For the audience at home, it’s been a LONG time since he said #2.
Dan: 3) I liked….that…the bathroom was on a different floor so I got some exercise.
Ok next question! If you could change 1 thing about this movie what would it be?
Luke: Ok, I have a whole new pitch for the movie. HEAR ME OUT
Dan: For the audience at home, Luke has climbed up on the table and squatted over his laptop and just took a huge shit everywhere.
Luke: So the movie is exactly the same, up until the point where Deadpool blows himself to smithereens. Then, when he reforms, something goes slightly wrong where he has a second mouth in the middle of his chest. And this mouth is even sassier than his regular mouth and it won’t shut up. So the rest of the movie is him interacting with all these people, and they are so fed up with him that they abandon anything else they were trying to do, and gang murder him so that he is actually dead. And he goes to hell. The new title of the movie is Deadpool 2: The Merc’ With Two Mouths.
Dan: Just FYI I think that’s the plot to the Vampire Hunter D anime and manga. Another BAD thing that I LIKE.
Luke: Well if that’s true, they stole the idea from me, and I’ll be sending my lawyers after them right after we are done here.
Dan: For me I would change it so when they jump out of the plane and play AC / DC instead the whole rest of the movie is that they parachute into an AC / DC concert and watch the show.
Luke: That would be a fun movie! RIP Malcolm Young.
Dan: Ok, last question! If you had the power to change the name of this movie, what would you call it?
Luke: Bullies Are Good And Should Be Praised.
Dan: I’d go with: Ok You Can Watch This Movie But Don’t Tell Your Mother I Let You.
Well Luke, I never thought we’d make it out alive and yet here we are, rude, regenerated and ready to rock! Thank you again for being by my side through all of this. Any last words for the listeners?
Luke: Thank you for having me Dan, I hope you’ll recover from this trauma. I’d just like to remind everyone at home what the real F word is. It’s Fuck. Fuck Deadpool.
Dan: Agreed. And also, I don’t say this often but I was right (about Deadpool) and I am always right (about everything).
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Luke Field is a writer and comedian who lives in NY. You can see him performing on Harold Night at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and find his writing on the website CollegeHumor, where he creates branded content. All hail brands.