Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: Episode 06 — Overboard with Beth Slack

Published on 2018-06-06

Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing! 

Beth and I met on the top floor of the AMC Village 7 theatre, the tallest theatre in the east village. We saw Overboard in assigned seats which feels apropos given that this was like detention that you have to pay for. After we had learned our lesson we made our way to The Bean on 3rd ave and 9th st where Beth had a hot chocolate and I got an iced tea which was brewed from fresh tea live in front of me which is the worst thing in the world because all the ice melts and it just tastes dumb.

(Beth wanted to stay and watch the next showing but I made her leave and get on with her life.)
(Beth wanted to stay and watch the next showing but I made her leave and get on with her life.)

Dan: Hi Beth! Thank you for joining me today on Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast you have to read. We just saw Overboard and after all that we’ve been through I guess I just have one question: how ‘bout an ice cold Bud Light?

Beth: Dan, that sounds perfect. I’m open to either a cold can or a cold bottle. Oh, and if anyone is trying to be sober, we should definitely open it in their faces and talk about how refreshing it is.

Dan: There were 3 separate Bud Light drinking scenes and 4 separate AA shaming scenes? I need to check my notes but those numbers feel right.

Beth: Honestly? It wasn’t enough. There were whole chunks of the movie where I was like, why aren’t they drinking Bud Lights? There were whole meals where it wasn’t even mentioned.

Dan: I think the implication is that when the camera doesn’t show characters’ hands they are holding Bud Lights. Before we begin in earnest I think we might have to do something new for the podcast. Just an emotional, reckless dump of thoughts and emotions. This movie made me feel a lot of things that I thought were dead inside me. I haven’t felt bewilderment in a theatre in a long time. Annihilation wishes it were as weird as this movie.

Beth: I want to make sure that you’re not asking for an emotional response because I’m a woman. Right, Dan? Because as the movie clearly tells us, woman are horrible liars, who will do anything so that they have time to study.

Dan: Beth that’s why I brought you along today. For the Woman’s perspective.

Beth: And if you are an older woman, you will completely fuck over your daughter to do a racist community theater production in an elderly person’s home

Dan: And so you can fall in love with me eventually, against your will, inevitably, because i am a A Man. And I Happen To Be Here.

Beth: Careful, Dan. You might get amnesia and I turn you into my housekeeper and breadwinner! And do my homework and make you sleep in a shed!

I think that I most felt SAD because this movie was nonsensical, and I had to sit there and watch it because I committed to doing this podcast to you. I also felt MAD because I really like Anna Faris and wow was this a bad part. And then I also felt CONFUSED because what the hell was going on in this movie?

Dan: This movie was billed as a comedy, right? This was psychological horror and everyone was mean to everyone the whole time. Every character was mean to every other character and the sheer logistics of The Main Plan make running The Truman Show look like a 3rd grade project in comparison.

Beth: Yes. I thought A Quiet Place was scary, and this was worse. The monsters in this movie were actually worse. And by monsters I mean the people.

Dan: Beth I would say out of all my friends you are the Romantic Comedy opinion haver whose opinions I trust the most. So to you I say: was this a romantic comedy?

Beth: No, Dan. This was not a romantic comedy. This was the story of a white person taking advantage of a hispanic person, who then develops Stockholm syndrome. That’s the right syndrome, right?

Dan: Sure, this is Jordan Peele style Racial Horror.

Beth: Claiming an injured person at a hospital, making them get a job, taking that money, while also making them clean and cook in your home is a problematic base for any healthy relationship.

Dan: Let’s take a step back, and explain what happens in the movie. Purely as storytelling. Overboard is a movie that makes you feel not like you are “watching a movie” but more like you are “reading a screenplay” that is really a homework assignment from one of the middle chapters in a screenplay writing book.

The movie opens with a wonderful show don’t tell of our rich…uh…antagonist? I don’t know what to call Leonardo but he is RICH and as if that weren’t bad enough he’s also LATINO. He is on a yacht, being mean-ish to his servants and making sexy times with models.

Beth: Yes, Dan. I remember this, too. Then we smash cut to Anna Faris who is driving her pizza delivery car taking a quiz by cassette tape about being a nurse. FYI, she gets the questions wrong, but then she sang a song about poop, so now we know this is a freaking comedy. She arrives back at the pizza shop, and immediately tells the cook there to MAN UP and stop watching a telenovela. Seriously. And that is our…uh…protagonist?

Dan: Oh yeah. This movie has a lot of “runners.” Those recurring gags and goofs that let the audience know they are watching a comedy. The first we are introduced to is the “bloody stool” medicine joke and the second is that Latin men have machismo but also love telenovelas.

Beth: Oh, and don’t forget that the guy who owns the restaurant is FAT and can’t stop eating!

Dan: Ok so Anna Faris has to deliver pizzas and run around and be a single mom, etc. I’m not being dismissive of motherhood I am just writing it how the movie shows it. I am pretty sure 95% of the script says “Anna drives around. Montage of Mom Stuff.”

Her best friend and Pizza Shop owner, Eva Longoria, has some throwaway line for her about finding a man.

Beth: Well as I understand motherhood in this movie, it’s that you pick up your kids, deliver pizzas with them, and then feed them a noodle dish and ask them to do their homework.

Dan: The noodle dish can be cup o’ noodles or spaghetti. As soon as Eva Longoria said something about finding a man, my romantic comedy buzzer went off.

Beth: Yes, obviously Anna needs a man, because going to school and parenting is a waste of a half life. So, because Leonardo had a champagne party where you just pour champagne on you and your friends, and Anna is hired to come and clean the carpets. This is not a euphemism, she is literally going to clean the carpets.

Dan: That’s right, Anna is called in to clean up the sexless orgy and we get the first interaction between our…two…leads? I have to pause for a bit and sort of go out of order.

Beth: This is more exciting than the movie! You go out of order, Dan!

Dan: It seems impossible, but in this movie about a woman who tricks a billionaire amnesiac into…doing chores for her? The script does not even give her a chance to do much. It isn’t even her plan to begin with! Somehow this movie takes away her agency even though she is the only one who knows what’s going on! It was truly insane, Beth.

AND, instead of laugh lines, she just does Mean Things and says Mean Things. Why did they do this to her? Does it have something to do with Original Sin?

Beth: It honestly felt really personal.

Dan: Personal towards all women.

Beth: Like did Anna Faris run over the writer’s dog? Well, I mean I’m glad this evil plan at least came from another woman. And Eva L. needs something to do when not counting receipts and shaming her heavy husband.

Dan: She tasted the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. Ok so. back on the SS Birthday Party…

Beth, how mean is leo the rich latin man? Do you remember the mean things he does to Anna faris on their first encounter?

Beth: So mean, Dan. He refuses to pay her, Dan.

Dan: He makes her get a mango. He calls her ugly basically right?

Beth: She cleaned the carpet after the sexless champagne dumping, and then he was like get me fruit, and she was like no, so he was like I’m not paying you and pushed her into the ocean.

Dan: Oh, right. He actually doesn’t call her ugly, I think he just says there’s something off about her face…which might be worse?.

Beth: Like, she could be pretty, but God didn’t let her and he just can’t handle that.

Dan: He shows his ass to her and he has a Speedy Gonzales tattoo.

Beth: Don’t we all. Whenever strangers are in my bedroom, I show them the daisy tattooed on my ankle, so this doesn’t really bug me too much. I like how they implied that the two models he dumped champagne on slept in another room? Like once he was awake they came in and were like good morning sleepyhead. Where were they?

Dan: This Speedy Gonzales thing is used later on in a dumb scene that this movie flaunts like a badge of honor. This movie does the thing I hate where it tries to trick people into think it’s a “tight script” where every detail is paid off. Later, post amnesia, Kate (Anna Faris) convinces Leo they know each other because of the private detail of knowing his tattoo. This is not a tight script. It is a forced detail being used later as a deus ex machina. This type of thing happens a lot in Overboard. Things are resolved in ways that make no sense and characters do things that make no sense in order to move the movie forward. I will return to this!

Beth there were models in every nook and cranny on that ship. They all had different accents and hair colors. That is what an inclusion rider is for.

Beth: I like that you planted this scene, Dan. I look forward to the pay off. I didn’t really understand inclusion riders until this moment, thanks.. Speaking of, I guess we can say now that there was a black person in this movie.

Dan: Spoiler alert. There is a total of one. Ok so Leo is very mean to Kate and pushes her and her carpet cleaning equipment off a boat. This is the first OF MANY crimes in this movie. Every single person in this movie should be in jail.

Beth: So many crimes, Dan.

Dan: Every single person involved in this movie should be in jail.

Beth: Except the costumer. They did a great job.

Dan: You liked the costumes? What were they? Seahawks Jerseys and white tees?

Beth: I liked Leo’s Yacht sweater at the end when he was having brunch.

Dan: Oh ya the rich people clothes were pretty good. You’re right.

Beth: Thanks, Dan. You’re also right. They should all be in jail.

Dan: Now we get to the first time I realized that this movie wasn’t just bad, it was Dangerous. Not just a bad movie, but Bad For Movies. Kate is home being a miserable single mother, while Leo is getting ready to Sex a French lady.

Beth: Capital D Dangerous. It was in this moment that I realized that a man will literally fall off a yacht looking for condoms. Because that is actually what happened. Leonardo went to find condoms, found some, did a dance and then fell off his yacht.

Dan: Beth, I almost screamed, when mid foreplay, our horribly misogynistic, orgy captain billionaire, stopped to LOOK FOR CONDOMS. On what planet, in what writer’s brain, does this guy use condoms?

Beth: He is a modern man with soft lady hands, Dan.

Dan: In what screenplay 101 class do they tell you to have a character do something that makes no sense so as to have him walk to a spot so that a plot thing can happen. But well, you guessed it, he finds condoms on TOP OF THE YACHT and then Plot Thing Happens.

Beth: I’m not a doctor, let me lead with that. But how does one develop amnesia when falling in the water? Like, he didn’t hit his head…he managed to get to the land from the middle of the ocean…

Dan: Leo falls in the water, washes up on the beach and suddenly has PRA. Plot Relevant Amnesia.

Beth: They left while it was light out….it was the middle of the night, when one sexes on a yacht, and he falls in when it’s dark out, and he somehow get backs to the land where he once was. That sentence made about much sense as this movie.

Dan: He, like so many before him, has the type of amnesia that makes him forget whatever is useful to forget but remember whatever is useful to remember. Again, this movie tells us it is being clever by doing stuff that “a telenovela” would do, since we are told multiple times by nameless background characters that “that stuff never happens in real life!”

Beth: Oh — but here we have another COMEDY moment. Dan, remember when he wakes up on the beach, stands up, and then falls right back down? COMEDY GOLD right there.

Dan: It was funny when he fell yes. So Leo wanders around the streets, naked and scared, to be scooped up and brought to a hospital for testing.

Beth: And he’s rude to the hospital staff. Thank God he didn’t forget how to be really rude.

Dan: Oh yeah he has a real zinger about how ugly his nurse is. The line is, “can’t you give me a prettier nurse?” The doctor says, “she is the pretty one.” Note: the nurse is just a “normal looking” woman.

Beth: And then the doctor and Leonardo share a sad look. As if to say, the things men have to put up with. The nurse looked annoyed and continued to be good at her job. So, one decent woman in this movie.

Dan: I think the original script probably had a line like, “Damn doc. I wouldn’t have sex with her if she were a man and I were gay! No homo!” Beth, my FAVORITE stupid thing in this movie is about to happen. I know that’s saying a lot but here goes….

Beth: DAN. TELL ME.

Dan: The listeners need to understand a few things first.

1) Leonardo is heir to a Building…..Supply….Company? His billionaire father is dying and there is a subplot about who will take over the company? Papi wants to give it all to the billionaire playboy son because machismo. His competent, hard-working daughter is a Bitch and a Nag and we shouldn’t like her. This plot goes on through the whole movie for some reason.

Beth: And there is other daughter, too. Just this other woman who is in all the scenes with the family, but has long hair instead.

Dan: Right there is also this other daughter who the movie does not tell us what to do with other than we should laugh at her I think because she does Charity.

Beth: And also wants to be a musician and her family doesn’t support her but it turns out that she is terrible at music and the family is right.

Dan: Actually I take it back that is the only thing people need to understand for my favorite stupid part. Are you ready?

Beth: So ready, Dan.

Dan: There is a Local Newspaper / Website called The Beachcomber that random ass characters open up on their phone throughout the movie that just provides them with important plot secrets. It’s so stupid and lazy and i love it so much. One of the pizza chefs at Eva Longoria’s restaurant pulls it up apropos of nothing and says something like, “Hey! Isn’t this that rich guy that was mean to you?! This article says he has amnesia and is in the local hospital!”

THAT’S HOW IT HAPPENS BETH. Some guy sees an article on his phone.

Beth, The Beachcomber is used like this multiple times in this movie! Not in a tongue-in-cheek way!

Beth: It’s a small town, Dan. I also think I now wonder if he was ever cooking in that kitchen? Like between his shows, and the phone alerts, it feels like maybe nothing ever got done in there.

Dan: Every good script has what we in the industry call a “beachcomber.” It’s filmmaking 101. In the lord of the rings they had the Palantir. Sometimes it’s a prophetic dream. In Overboard, it’s an app on the phone that tells you what plot thing to do next.

Beth: Well Dan, it’s a good thing that the chef was in that kitchen not cooking and getting alerts, because Eva L. is all like you should go and get that amnesiac man who was mean to you, and make him get a job and give you the money and do all your housework so that you can do your homework.

And Anna was like…should I? And then was like, yes, let’s do it. Oh. Dan, don’t forget that the chef also makes fake documents. So he pulled up photoshop and got to work.

Dan: Did you realize that the plot to solve all of Anna Faris’ problems was going to be to….convince the amnesiac that she was his wife and that he was actually poor so they would have to live together and raise her family together but NOT to try and get any of his billions of dollars?

Is that what you thought would happen?

Beth: It’s so stupid, right?

Dan: I didn’t think that would be the plan but here I am at this The Bean with you. Instead of in Hollywood spraying Champagne on everyone.

Beth: Like, why not convince him you’re his wife but he’s still rich, and clear out the money? Then you can hire a babysitter, a housekeeper, and another housekeeper. Oh, should we talk about the fact that Anna had her 3 kids be in on this and pretend that this stranger was their dad? Like, the kids are telling him that they love him. It’s so fucked up. Imagine the therapy. Imagine trying to unpack this all as an adult.

Dan: Beth the Plan is so insane. Purely from a logistic perspective. You have to convince your children, aged 6–15 to go along with it. You have to convince your friends and everyone they know to go along with it. Don’t any of these characters have lives or interact with other people? Couldn’t say, a mild acquaintance who they forgot to warn ahead of time unravel the whole thing by accident?

Beth: Dan, I’m sure they put a heads up article in the Beachcomber, right?

Dan: My other question for you: In your wildest dreams or nightmares…

did you ever…

EVER…

imagine the two of them having sex, not for laughs, but played for romance and love, a mere 40 minutes later?

Beth: It was a surprise, Dan. He went from sleeping in the shed and peeing in a bottle, to sexing her awfully quickly. Also, was the dog on the bed the whole time? They did that weird pan from the panting dog to them panting and it honestly made me deeply uncomfortable.

Dan: Everything in this movie was unearned, from the plot advancements to the emotional reactions of the characters, but nothing was worse than whatever switch got flipped at the 2nd act mark and turned to “Ok they fall in love now.”

Beth: Did she honestly fall in love with him because he was good at errands? And why did he fall in love with her? Seriously, why?

Dan: It goes back to Kate not having any control of anything. Not even who she falls in love with. He literally does the bare minimum of anything. He makes pasta sauce one time.

Beth: Not fair, Dan. He added like 3 things to that pasta sauce. Never underestimate the power of cumin.

Dan: She is just so Miserably Single that she can’t help but fall in love with the man she knows to be a horrible sociopath who is now also psychologically broken and unstable.

Beth: Oh, remember when she told him that he was sterile so she was artificially inseminated? And then she would say things like “my kids” and he would be profoundly and deeply hurt! That was HILARIOUS! COMEDY!

And don’t forget he immediately had deep, meaningful relationships with the kids…which she never had or got to have?

Dan: When they first get Leo home there is a lot of:

“Wait a sec, you’re telling me IM POOR?!”

“Hold on a minute, we have to WORK?!”

“Wait a minute, I don’t get to HAVE SEX?!”

Beth: If I’m being honest, I have this conversation with myself every day.

Dan: Maybe you fell off a boat. I guess my biggest issue is that this movie makes the mistake of conflating meanness with comedy. Meanness from character to character. Meanness from movie to a group: women, overweight people, homosexuals, the rich, the poor, etc etc.

Beth: Also the sister who just wanted the job she deserved. And the three daughters who wanted a meaningful relationship with their mom and a father figure.

And the grandma who wanted her family to come and enjoy the weird, racist production of THE MIKADO that she was in.

And the other billionaire daughter who wanted to be good at cello but wasn’t.

And the oldest daughter who was like this is messed up can I go to the pool but Kate/Anna said no. She couldn’t go to the pool because she didn’t want to leave the young girls alone with the stranger she told was her husband because he might be a pervert. Dan, another STRONG COMEDY MOMENT.

I think I laughed out loud 3 times in this movie. And it was every time they showed the name of the yacht which was “Birthday Present.” Dan, I’m now ever sadder thinking about how messed up this was for Kate.

Dan: So Kate has these three daughters who are just Along For The Ride during all of this. The first time Leo is forced to cook for them all, he spills pasta sauce all over himself and trips on the floor. This is a man who was recently released from the hospital with a horrible brain impairment. The kids exclaim, “this is Awesome!”

Again, every character in this movie should be in jail. Ok Beth, we have to talk about Leo’s “job”.

Beth: I’m exhausted just thinking the emotional manipulation and crime committing in this movie. Do you mean his “construction” job, Dan? Where he moved dirt and the other people laughed at him and told him he had lady hands? THE GREATEST INSULT OF THEM ALL.

Dan: Yes, Leo gets the incredible opportunity to bond with the Noble Poor of the construction team that Eva Longoria’s FAT HUSBAND runs. In an insane scene, he is lugging 90 lb bags of cement, produced by his father’s company. He asks, “why are these bags so heavy? why can’t they make them easier to carry?”

We are told that it is cheaper to sell big bags of concrete. “Greedy bastards,” Leo exclaims.

Beth: All this while looking at his own last name on the concrete bag. If he only knew! But…why can’t they make them easier to carry? Wouldn’t people ultimately buy more bags and make it worth it?

Dan: It’s more insane to me that there is some kind of world in which a person carries a heavy bag of cement and decides the company that sells it is greedy but selling cheaper product in bulk? Blame your foreman dude, he is the one who bought it. Your dad’s company didn’t decide to sell Heavy Cement to Punish the workers.

Beth: Maybe they did, Dan. I honestly don’t know. We got like ZERO information about the company other than mean sister wants to run it.

Dan: None of it makes any sense, Beth.

Anyway we check back in with the construction crew from time to time and they continue to belittle Leo for not being Man enough. In one way or another.

Beth: also belittle the one guy (who starred in the Gloria Estefan musical on Broadway) for wanting to be a singer.

Dan: We know his father is the 3rd richest man in the world. We know they sell concrete. We know they have a yacht. What more do you need?

Beth: I don’t know…a business plan? Do they only sell concrete?

Dan: Sell concrete. Heavy bags only. Drive the Noble Poor to carry heavier and heavier bags until they can only afford even heavier bags. Repeat until rich.

Beth: Who knew dry concrete was so heavy. I didn’t know. It was a pretty small bag. I guess I learned something from this film?

Dan: Oh jeez. I completely forgot. Since everyone is in on The Plan, they are all complicit in the insane, dangerous, degrading activities that they force this dude into. For example: setting him up on a construction site to do relatively skilled, potentially fatal work. Spraying concrete, wheeling debris, etc.

Beth: But he fell down a lot and they all laughed! COMEDY GOLD, Dan!

Dan: I have a question: Did every character hate Leo?

Beth: Yes. They all hated him. But he also is the most trusting person in the world. He was like, this is my life? Okay. Can we have sex? No? Okay.

Dan: Like, did Kate gather everyone up, including her kids, and tell them: This man. This Leo deserves a fate worse than death. I want him tortured. I want him bewildered and confused for the rest of his miserable existence.

Beth: Dan…he didn’t pay her and pushed her off his boat. Obviously he should live the rest of his life as an indentured servant.

Dan: Oh ya, there was also a pointless subplot where they made him believe he was an alcoholic. Like, he goes to AA and there is a scene of him at AA embracing it. It was weird.

Beth: Dan, who are we supposed to root for in this movie?

Dan: The Norwegians. Did you forget about the Norwegians?

Beth: OMG, yes. People might be asking “who are the Norwegians?” Fair question. They were the people who sailed the yacht, and they were really fun! There were 3 of them. I don’t know what they did on the boat but they wore matching shirts.

Dan: The comedy there was that they spoke a different language and even their music sounded different.

Beth: Oh…and this is important. The butler(?) on the boat was played by Scottish actor John Hannah who is in a very good rom-com called Sliding Doors co-starring Gwyneth Paltrow. My heart died a little bit every time he came on screen and looked sad as he delivered lines like, “I’ll have the carpet cleaned.”

Dan: Do you think that in an alternate universe this movie could have been good?

Beth: In this universe do we want all humans to die?

Dan: Just half.

Beth: Oh..so like, I’m Thanos? Dan, nothing really worked for me in this movie. I didn’t like anyone. It wasn’t funny. The only person who learned a “lesson” was Leo, who learned he could get his own ice bucket for Champagne.

Dan: Well. What about the continuation of the Montenegro Family drama? While Leo is being tortured for the entire movie, Stuff Happens with his real family. His one sister finds out he is still alive but wants the company for herself, so she fakes his death.

Dad survives his potentially life threatening surgery but is distraught over the loss of his son.

This is all irrelevant because eventually Long Hair daughter opens up…wait for it…The Beachcomber!

And sees an article about how a woman from Mexico City once went to see the amnesia man.

She deduces, out loud, that it must be her sister and she must have recognized Leo and she must have decided to leave him in the hospital anyway!

Beth: I mean, we all talk through our thoughts as they occur to us. Look at us right now. Everyone at The Bean is so mad!

Dan: Meanwhile back in paradise, Leo and Kate are In LOVE.

Beth: He proposes!

Dan: Again for the first time!

Beth: He proposes to her in front of a case of Bud Light! The children are so happy they are getting a father! One of the girls asks him if he’ll leave and he says he never will!

Dan: Everyone else at the proposal is like, IN ON IT. And they are cool with whatever is happening. This whole movie is a lazy twilight zone episode.

Beth: Oh — and there’s that weird thing with the condoms in the car and Leo accusing Kate of cheating but Eva L. being like it was me and then fat husband being like we’re gonna start couples counseling. Like, the amount of lying is insane.

That entire sequence made no sense. I’m going to try to recap what happens in that scene. Wish me luck. Ok, deep breath….

Leo and the girls are watching a Seahawks game. Halftime comes and he gets in the car to leave and get snacks. I always drive away during halftime to get snacks so so far this makes a lot of sense. In the car, he digs into the glove compartment to look for a pen or something and finds a manilla envelope full of 5 condoms. Earlier, this envelope of five condoms was the only thing on his person that the hospital recovered. He immediately flips out and starts yelling at Kate. “Why would you have condoms when I am sterile!” You will recall that this was the lie that Kate told him earlier in the film so as to explain why her children did not look like him. Rather than say something like, “no those are the condoms the hospital found on you when you washed up on the shore,” she decides to tell him that they aren’t really married and this is all fake. He responds to this by saying “oh just because I’m sterile, it doesn’t mean our love is real.” Next, Kate takes Leo back inside so that the girls can “tell him the truth.” The girls decide to lie and gaslight their mom. Back outside, Eva Longoria comes out and, after having VERY RECENTLY told Kate that she should come clean to Leo, decides to tell him that they are actually HER condoms and she is cheating on HER husband but not to tell him. Leo goes back inside and then everyone cheers. Kate assumes this means that the girls actually told him the truth this time but instead everyone comes out and says “the seahawks won!”

Did I get that right?

Beth: Well, we didn’t actually find out the Seahawks won. Dan, we found out that Kate became a nurse! Her test scores arrived on the computer and she passed! The whole reason this whole thing started, so she had time to study to become a nurse, happened. But the rest of this is totally accurate.

Can I tell you something crazy? I usually go and buy snacks BEFORE the game. I had no idea that I was doing this wrong.

Dan: Beth no one goes during halftime.i was gaslighting you.

Beth: OMG. Are you implying this whole thing was a plot device for him to find the condoms? But that would be insane that she would add potato chips to a shopping list by running outside (does texting not exist in this world) so he would look for a pen in the glove department.

Dan: The very same condoms that it made no sense for him to want or have earlier in the movie! now that’s a tight script!

Beth: So tight, Dan. You know what wasn’t tight? Anna Faris’ helmet when the family went bike riding together. This bothered me, Dan. I was so disengaged from this movie that I took time to think about how loose the strap was under her chin.

Dan: Anna Faris was barely in this movie even though she was on screen for most of it. I’ve never seen anything like it Well, regardless, eventually Leo’s family shows up at Kate’s house somehow. He instantly recognizes them and his memory comes back.

Beth: I assume they found out the address from the Beachcomber? And for like two seconds, he thinks he has it ALL. He’s rich and has a family he loves.

Dan: Wow can men have it all?

Beth: No, Dan. Because then you realize that the woman you thought you were married to stole you from the hospital.

Dan: Oh right so he brings down the full force and power of the army of lawyers his family must have on retainer and send everyone in this whole town to prison for life. But no, rather than anyone pressing any charges the Montenegro family all just leaves.

Beth: They all climb back onto the SS Birthday Present…void of its model infestation, and sail away and brunch.

Dan: Ok so what the movie does next Beth, is as equally insane as everything else that has happened so far. Pretending that the rest of this movie doesn’t exist, they decide to have that scene where some character says something like, “If you love him / her, go get him / her!”

But like, that wasn’t ever the issue. The issue(s) here were never related to characters loving each other or anything else really. They were related to a script where things just happened in a prescribed order so the movie could get to the end.

Beth: I just remembered that Anna apologized when he got his memory back, but he never apologized for not paying her and pushing her in the ocean.

Dan: Ya he doesn’t regret that though, what’s your point?

Beth: Oh…Remember when the dad was like Leonardo if you back to your kidnapper, I’ll disown you? And then Leo tried to haggle for a while? Like, there was a 5 minute scene of him being like really? Don’t? Please? And then he left.

Dan: That was like…an Ok idea for a scene, in maybe a different movie. But Beth, we skipped ahead a tiny bit.

Beth: If this was him being a businessman, I understand why the mean sister was mad. What did I skip, Dan?

Dan: Leo’s family yacht is making its way to Mexico while Kate gives chase in a little boat she borrowed from Eva Longoria’s Fat Husband. It looks like the two boats are going to meet up in the middle but then Papi Montenegro takes the wheel and spins it around. There are literally NO STAKES here. So the boat goes to Mexico, who cares? She can call him right? He can call her?

Beth: I actually loved that moment. When Kate was like I need your boat, and Fat Husband was like…she needs my boat. You know he and Eva L. had fought about that boat. Besides Dan, I think we live in a world where there are no phones or texting. See my above point about the grocery list thing. We live in a time when you literally NEVER have to run after someone. Thank goodness.

Dan: Fine then she could post an ad in The Beachcomber. Well eventually Leo and Kate get back together and they have to be poor.

Beth: OR DO THEY?

They don’t.

Dan: No they dont.

Beth: Because there is nothing worse than being poor.

Dan: Leo gets the yacht which is worth 60 million dollars. So they are rich now! I guess men really can have it all!

Beth: Ugh, Dan. Is that what we learned from this movie?

Dan: Good question…what did we learn? I learned that you can remake an old movie but you can’t get away with a man taking advantage of a woman in this way but you can get away with a white woman taking advantage of a latino.

Beth: That’s a horrible lesson, Dan. You should learn how to live in the opposite circumstances…but then not have to really live there? Be open to getting your own ice bucket?

Dan: I learned that condoms are Dangerous.

Beth: This honestly feels like a lateral move. In terms of lesson learning.

Dan: I learned that Fat People can have Boats too.

Beth: Um…feel free to bareback with the person you tricked into being your fake husband?

Dan: I learned that being a single mother is harder than it looks, but you can still have sex if you are willing to debase yourself for long enough,

Beth: Always have an international crew on your $60M yacht? Don’t depend on your mom, ever? She’ll either abandon you to do Gilbert & Sullivan or trick a man into being your fake dad.

Dan: I learned that when you see a movie called Overboard 4 out of 6 trailers will be about white women on boats. This is real!

Beth: So many boat trailers! Was it only 6 trailers? It felt like 18. Are you counting the vampire in Transylvania 3 in that count?

Dan: Well let’s see.

1) Shailene Woodley On Boat, The Movie.

2) Mamma Mia 2: There is definitely one or more boats.

3) First Wives Club 2: bad version (Book Club)

4) Transylvania 3 is literally on a cruise ship and the main character is a cruise director lady.

5) Was there a boat in Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon Scream Through Europe?

I’m sure there is.

Beth: I want to see that one Dan, because it stars another Scottish actor I love.

Dan: Why don’t they make the whole movie out of the Scottish actors?

Beth: I don’t know if I can emotionally handle a whole movie full of Scottish actors. I guess what I learned from this movie is that I want to rewatch Sliding Doors and see if it holds up. Because I loved that movie…like I imagine other people loved the original Overboard.

Dan: Well Beth I think we covered most of what happens in this movie, but is there anything we skipped over? Anything you want to mention?

I would like to say that I have a lot of respect for whoever wrote this movie because I certainly would not have had the patience. I could barely sit through watching it.

Beth: There were probably multiple drafts?

Dan: Do you really think that? What got cut? A scene where Anna Faris jams a glass rod up Leo’s erect penis then crushes it with her hand?

That’s comedy!

Beth: And then he’d fall down.

Dan: Ok, well I have a few questions for you before we depart. First, what were your three favorite things about this movie?

Beth: 1) I liked that the yacht was named “Birthday Present.”

2) I liked Leonardo’s yacht brunch sweater.

And, uh….

3) I liked the line when Fat Husband was like you need my boat.

What about you? Can you find 3 things?

Dan: 1) I actually LOVE the Beachcomber. This is a new term I’m going to use when a movie uses the same inane plot device multiple times.

2) I like that somehow they had a scene where Leo the fake dad got to protect his fake daughter’s womanhood and get mad at her for flirting with a lifeguard. What was the point of that scene? What was the point of any of these scenes? Maybe Kate actually got brain damaged when she was pushed off the boat in the very beginning? This is all in her head?

3) I liked the fact that this was in Oregon but nothing about anything on screen or in the script feels like or requires this to be in Oregon.

Ok next question, if you could change one thing about this movie what would it be?

Beth: I think we needed one character to be likable, and I think it needed to be Kate. They gave her this mean edge….but I think she could have been desperate for help and done these things and sort of had the same arc…and it would be better. She is doing something so terrible, and her being basically unlikable makes it pretty much unforgivable.

What about you?

Dan: For me, I think we could have used more of Bad Leo in the beginning so we know to hate him harder. I would have liked it if instead of Looking for Condoms in the very beginning, he said something like “hey baby, close your eyes, my father runs a very successful building supply company and his R&D department has developed stealth condom technology that is impossible to feel.” Then he winks to camera and then the camera pans over and we see a doctor’s note on the bedside table that says Leo Montenegro STD Test Results: Very BAD!

Ok last but not least, you are given the ability to change the name of this movie, what do you call it?

Beth: The Beachcomber: Episode 1.

Dan: I would go with Overbored.

Beth: The Beachcomber: Overbored.

Dan: Well Beth, thanks for going through this with me. I feel like we have survived something together. Any last words for your fans?

Beth: Please check out Sliding Doors. It’s great! And thanks, Dan. I will never forget the time you held me captive and made me watch this movie and also do your grocery shopping.

Dan: Same! And remember, condoms are Dangerous!

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Beth Slack is a writer, actor, singer and comedian originally from Bexley, Ohio. You can see her perform Tuesdays on Harold night at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade, Fridays with Premiere the improvised musical at the Magnet Theater, and every other Saturday with The Cast at the Magnet Theater.