Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast: Episode 11 - A Quiet Place with Boris Khaykin

Published on 2018-06-26

Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing!  

(Shhhhh followed by shushing emoji)
(Shhhhh followed by shushing emoji)

Boris and I met up at Fort Greene park and smoked a lot of weed. After we finished this important procedure we made our way to the Alamo Drafthouse in Downtown Brooklyn for some peace place and Quiet Place. Post movie, we hiked up a big hill to drink some large Cold Brew Iced Coffees and complain about the lack of WiFi at Peck’s, on Myrtle Ave and Washington.

Dan: Wow Boris, thanks for joining me today on Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast: the only podcast you have to read. Here we are sitting in the back garden of this beautiful coffee shop that charges 18 dollars for a roast chicken but doesn't have working WiFi and I have to wonder: SHOULD we let the monsters take over?

Boris: Even monsters need WiFi. They wouldn’t want this fucking place. No WiFi, and expensive chicken that doesn’t make noises.

Dan: They would probably go for the guy banging on his roof with a hammer right behind us.

Boris: Should we sum up the plot so people get these amazing jokes?

Dan: Let's do a few more before we start making sense.

Boris: Or is the intended audience people who have seen the movie, and also have been to this specific coffee spot? I'd say the name but I don’t want to give them advertising. Unless they sponsor your readcast obv.

Dan: In general, I find that the main demographic that enjoys this podcast are "people who are deaf and need to read a podcast." So, people who would do well in the A Quiet Place universe.

Boris: Well, no it’s harder if you can’t hear. As we learned from one of the characters.

Dan: A Quiet Place 2: In Space, no one can hear you hear. Ok I think that's enough jokes for now! Let's talk about the movie. Before we get into the details of the story, what did you think of the film overall? Are you a big monster movie guy in general?

Boris: I am neither a horror nor monster movie guy. I like some horror for the creativity.

Dan:  Are you an Emily Blunt as a Mother In a Corn Field movie guy? (Looper, This Movie) Am I missing one? I feel like I am.

Boris: I can’t tell her apart from other similar leads tbh. Or the corn stalks.

Dan: Is this one of those slurs you warned me about?

Boris: I ain’t even warmed up yet. So we open on John Krasinski and a white woman…

Dan: I am definitely NOT a horror movie guy but I can get down with monster movies. These monsters were...pretty good! These were monsters defined not by their scariness or powers necessarily but by the Rules of How They Work. That can be fun! I do think that in A Quiet Place this reliance on rules ends up being the movie's undoing but we'll get to that in a bit.

Ok, why don't you walk us through the cold open. Really set this world up for us.

Boris: Ok yes so it starts with a little white boy and a little white girl (I'm going to drop that bit now) and the mom. They're all quietly sneaking around an abandoned drug store and it’s clearly post apocalyptic. They're being VERY QUIET. Can not overstate how quiet they’re being. The mom finds medicine and gives it to the little boy and tells the girl that he's going to be okay (using sign language and whispers).

Dan:  In fact our server (thanks Alamo Drafthouse) told us before the movie not to order "loud, crunchy food" or that if we did we should eat it during loud scenes only.

Boris: Out of respect, I never took out my bag of sunflower seeds. Not to toot my own horn, but that'd make too much noise.

Dan: This opening scene actually ruled.

Boris: Yeah it set up the rules well

Dan: We get an establishing shot of like an abandoned upstate New Yorkish looking town, we know this is 90 days or so after...something and we know this family does NOT want noise. The movie plays a lot with sound, including a recurring bit where we switch to the numb silence of the Deaf daughter's perspective.

Boris: Oh but then our first challenge arises.

Dan: Yeah the real enemy: kids.

Boris: Gotta say to the movie's credit there was zero deaf person speak. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it’s just a nice choice that they made I think. No need to turn it into What the Bleep Do we Know.

Dan:  I think they could have gotten away with a least a few classic deaf person speak comedy scenes. Well, the youngest son is too cute to not want a rocketship and even though John Krasinski gives him bigtime Jim Face and warns him not to make noise.

Eventually the entire Jim family starts walking home and we get our first Tense moment.

Boris: Right but we gotta note the domino effect there. Jim walks away after delivering a stern talking to about not taking this battery powered noise making toy rocket.

So then the older sister (out of love, of course) is like nah kid, take the toy rocket. After Jim walks away from his tiny irresponsible child, back turned, no care in the world, then the sister walks away after saying take the rocket. So of course the little boy takes the batteries too, unbeknownst to the sister.

Dan:  Deaf enough to know better but young enough not to care.

Boris: Well now we get to our moment of zen. Or whatever the opposite of zen is.

Dan:  Ya, still all part of this very good cold open, the whole family is walking through beautiful Hastings-On-Hudson when they come to a bridge.

Boris: Actually shout out to a nice shot here too, cinematography wise. I really liked the way it cycled through the bridge one character after another.

Dan: We get a daughter perspective shot, extra silent, and we see her see her parents start to freak out. She turns to see her precocious brother blasting his rocket ship extra loud and Jim makes a mad dash to...run towards him.

Too slow! A big monster bug man jumps out of the woods and chops the kid up. Cue The Office Music.

Boris: I think all that sitting at an office desk is what slowed him down. Sitting is very bad for you, all day like that. I read a whole thing about how no matter if you even exercise it does irreparable damage to the muscles.

Dan: Poor Jim. He should have got a standing desk.

Boris: Exactly. Could’ve avoided this whole movie.

Dan: This has been spoken about at length many times but that sitcom curse is very real. He is always Jim, no matter how successful his film acting or directorial career ends up being.

Boris: Right but also I couldn’t look at the little girl without thinking of Jillian Bell.

Dan: Related: I feel like a lot of people invested a lot of money into the idea that John Krasisnki was gonna be the Chris Pratt. Way before this movie was even a gleam in his eye, they were throwing him at every kind of role to try and get him to stick.

Boris: What else was he in?

Dan: Oh you know. Some movie where he wore an old timey football helmet. Also an...army one?

Boris: Well all that army training def came in handy here.

Dan:  To an extent. Maybe he was a radio operator? He certainly had a lot of radios. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. This cold open is actually very tight and good and effective. It sets up both the rules for the Monsters, as well as the rules for the Movie.

These monsters...attack sound. This movie...hates kids.

Boris: I still am curious if Jim had at least tangential career skills or if he was just a self taught engineer in this movie. Back to their youngest son being very quickly killed by a monster. See if FAO Schwartz never closed down these monsters would have a run for their money.

Also did I spell Schwartz.... too jewish? I did, it’s Shwarz. Wait no Schwarz.

Dan: Don't worry we get paid by the word.

Boris: Remember what I told you about ethnic slurs? Anyway the real monsters in this movie were THE JEWS.

Dan: Okay so after we get our Title sequence, we find out that over a year later: The Rest of The Movie Happens. Jim and Pam live together in a farm area, everything is padded, daily life is very quiet.

Boris: We missed some cumming also, because now she's pregnant again. The movie yadda yadda yadda’s over the best part.

Dan: Right we see the big Chekov's Gut. Condoms were too loud and well you know how losing a kid to a bug monster can reignite that spark.

Boris: Honestly I don’t blame them. At that rate i'd just keep making as many as I can.

Dan: Yeah we see a fairly pregnant Emily Blunt and watch her setting up a crazy soundproof "baby room", which guess whether or not it's ever used.

Well at this point in the movie we don't know much about what is going on other than there are sound monsters. Luckily! Jim has a mission command station in his basement full of helpful newspapers that have headlines like "THE MONSTERS ATTACK SOUND!", "SOUND IS THE KEY!", "EVERYTHING IS BAD ALL OVER!"

And we see the first of....MANY shots of a really stupid whiteboard with 3 things written on it:

1) Creatures (what is their deal?! sound, armor?)

2) Survive (we should do it! food? sound proofing?)

3) WHAT IS THEIR WEAKNESS?

Boris: What is their weakness!? Right.

Dan:  I am not going to spoil what their weakness is.

Boris: No? I was about too since it’s so absurdly obvious.

Dan: But you know how if your dad catches you smoking a cigarette he will take you out back and say oh really you like cigarettes how about you smoke a whole pack right now!

Boris: It’s love.

Dan: Correct, love.

Boris: That’s your dad loving you, and it’s no different here.

Dan: Well these monsters have very good very sensitive hearing so just keep that in mind for later. Anyway Jim is clearly Working Hard to Protect His Family and mission control is a big part of that. He is dialing all sorts of other countries on the radio to tell them S.O.S.

Boris: He's building a cochlear implant I believe?

Dan: He is definitely working on a hearing aid, cochlear enhancement device for his daughter, whom he loves. Oh you like to hear? Why don’t you hear a whole bunch of stuff right now!

Boris: I mean not exactly but a makeshift post-apocalyptic one. A steampunk cochlear implant. Very cool stuff.

Dan:  Yeah it has pipes and shit coming out of it and he makes her wear a top hat.

Boris: She swing dances when she puts it on.

Dan: Okay so all is peaceful at the homefront and life is proceeding. Presumably without incident for the past year. Until one night…

Boris: Oh wait, we mentioned there's another son right? An older son.

Dan:  Oh right there's another son.

Boris: Younger than the sister I believe?

Dan: Ya.

Boris: But older than the dead one.

Dan: And more alive.

Boris: Just barely

Dan: So we have Jim, Pam, Daughter, Son.

Boris: For the sake of simplicity maybe let’s call the son Dwight.

Dan: You know a great director once told me that in every scene one character is the Jim and one is the Pam and it is up to the actor to decide who is who.

Boris: Sometimes you both decide to be the Pam and in 2018 THAT’S TOTALLY FINE.

Dan: I like to go up to same sex couples when they are about to get married and ask, "So...which one is the Pam?"

Boris: But in a post apocalyptic scenario we still need new babies to be made okay people?!

Dan: Great so Jim, Pam, Dwight and Daughter are living La Vida Quiet. Until one night....

Boris: Dwight is a real Klutz. That’s the Jewish spelling. FAO Klutz.

Dan: During a rowdy game of Monopoly…

Boris: Right so also they replaced the Monopoly pieces with crochet. But then Dwight the FAO Klutz knocks over a kerosine lamp.

Dan: I need to talk about this part. They make a big point of showing how everything in this house has been replaced with "quiet stuff."

Boris: Right why would they have that big glass lamp?

Dan: This is where the movie starts to get in trouble for me. I know some people will dismiss my concerns as overwrought, especially for a "monster movie" but for real, I didn't choose to fill this thing with rules!  

We see so much care implicit in the way this house is set up, BUT: they are still using wooden dice?! On a wood floor? Why not use cards instead? Just have 1-6 and you draw a random card and replace every time.

Boris: But also its modern times right? They can use a dice app.

Dan: It took us 3 seconds to think of that and none of our kids even had to die before we figured it out. There will be a lot of "wait a sec...but..." when you watch this movie.

Boris: Honestly cell phones could’ve solved so much here, and I think that about movies from the 80s but then I shouldn’t have to make that excuse for NOW, 2018, when you can be two Pams or two Jims. Two Dwights is too much though, let’s be honest.

Dan: It's IMPOSSIBLE not to question a lot of the decisions that the humans make, and it's IMPOSSIBLE not to question how these monsters actually work, which we'll get deeper into. Again, you can't have your cake and eat it too movie! Either the rules matter or they don't! 

Ok so the glass lamp breaks and....

Boris: Yeah I also have an evolutionary criticism of these monsters but i'll hold off for now.

Dan: What happens next? A monster shows up? I literally don't remember.

Boris: Well first Jim stomps out the kerosine fire and Dwight apologizes.

Dan:  Oh that's right, then everyone gets quiet. Here is my next pseudo complaint. During this scene I thought the following things to myself:

"Oh this is interesting. This movie has, 10 minutes in, set up a very fun dynamic that can add a unique twist to the jump scare monster genre. We get built in tension in every single shot, from the potential energy stored up in the sounds of common objects. Neat! We are ready to jump at every noise."

"Oh wait a sec. After a sound goes off now we are just waiting for the monsters to jump scare us again. These shots are all going to end up being normal monster jump scares except now we have a warning about half a minute ahead of time."

And now I remember! Lo and behold, after the lamp breaks and Jim stomps the fire everyone sits around scared and listens. We hear monsters in the distance, then eventually a gunshot. Ok new rule for this world: there are some other people still alive!

Boris: Was there a gunshot? That’s what scared the monster away?

Dan: Ya for sure. Or one of the monsters tripped on a box of balloons.

Boris: Happens to the best of us.

Dan: By the way, you would think Jim and Pam would have devised a more robust security system than: Red light on = Monsters are currently in our house. Cans on a string anyone?

Boris: I mean to be fair, it was a bunch of red lights.

Dan: Even some sort of remove balloon popping technology seems like could really fuck up these monsters' ability to track prey. In fact, right after the long distance gunshot scene, we see two dumbass raccoons jump off the roof and spook our heroes.

Boris: Ah right.

Dan:  Then a big monster smushes one of the raccoons for some reason. Now I know what you're thinking:

Boris: Those racoons made it so far into the apocalypse! Just to get killed now. I wanna see their movie. Pixar should do a spinoff.

Dan: He was just about to retire. Up until this point I was willing to consider that ok sure maybe these monsters don't care about animals just Sweet Man Meat. But no they kill this dumb raccoon. Literally how is any animal alive on planet earth anymore? Nature is loud as hell. Famously. Birds are famously loud as hell creatures.

Boris: How do they not kill each other!? If they hate noises so much.

Dan:  Monster on Monster crime is a myth Boris we've talked about this.

Boris: How do they fuck? So anyway.

Dan:  Annnnyway, this is just another tick on the checklist of the "wait a sec, I thought that..." moments. The next scene is the best one of those in the whole movie. The following morning two things happen:

1) Daughter wants to go to check out Command Center but dad says NO.

Boris: Ah right, she can’t go in that basement at all. I think it’s because she's a girl btw...not even because she's deaf. Jim is just old fashioned like that.

Dan: Again, they make a big deal about showing that the floorboards of this house are painted in certain places to indicate safe, non creaky walking. This is a Cool Detail. But then like, right next to all of these are a bunch of heavy ass dumb framed pictures on the wall. A strong breeze could knock one off.

Boris: I thought the same. I would’ve taken down anything that could fall at this point.

Dan: There is a lot of this throughout the movie. Again, don’t show us the cool stuff they thought of and skip the dumb stuff they forgot. Unless the point is that "our protagonists are dumb and can forget stuff." I don't know maybe that is the point?

Boris: The Humpty Dumpty on the shelf was a real no no. Right either make everyone stupid or don’t.

Dan: There might as well have been a recurring shot of a whoopie cushion under the family chair.

Boris: I would’ve loved that.

Dan: Instead there was a nail STICKING POINTY SIDE UP coming out of the middle of a stair. Before that happens though we have the incredible waterfall scene. Jim decides he, after a year plus, will finally take young Dwight to see the river.

Boris: Dwight doesn’t wanna go. He's skiddish.

Dan: Which is like scared and Yiddish combined.

Boris: Sort of a progressive motif here that the girl is brave and wants in on the action and the boy is soft.

Dan: Completely. I don't mind any of that by the way, but it really isn't explored thoroughly.

Boris: NO NO OF COURSE I DON’T MIND. Jesus, how dare you imply otherwise. Also can we refer to the girl as Jillian Bell moving forward? I forgot about that.

Dan: Fair enough.

Boris: So we got Jim, Pam, Dwight, and Jillian Bell.

Dan: Eventually Jim and Dwight get to a Loud River where Monsters Can't Hear Anything. Seems like a cool place to hang out right?

Boris: I wanna know why the monsters aren’t trying to fight that river.

Dan: Monsters should be punching that river non stop.

Boris: It... almost... looks like they're swimming. They're not. They're trying to kill that river. Anyway water is a common theme for life…

Dan: Okay fine even if we assume that no, the monsters can filter out river sounds, we are shown and told repeatedly, that they can’t hear ANYTHING as long as it's less loud than the river. They go to a dang waterfall and scream for fun!

This also is clearly NOT a new discovery since there are woven fish traps that Jim is emptying out. I guess everyone needs a Man Cave.

Boris: I bet they conceived the child under that waterfall.

Dan: But really, why didn’t they live near the river? Why didn't they just install a river soundtrack and blast it over the PA system?

Boris: My mom always used to say don’t bring the cow up to the attic. Yet they're fishing and bringing the fish back to the house. Getting all their noises out of their system there. River sounds are not even hard to find, any white noise machine has a river setting.

Dan: Or...an app. And yes, running back and forth to yell is so much effort. Uh oh, gotta fart, be right back. Gonna go hike to the fart river.

Boris: Yeah not a single realistic nasty shit in this movie. Don’t tell me you can do that in silence.

Dan: Honestly, I bet they have a special fart room.

Boris: Who doesn’t. That theater was a special fart room.

Dan:  Okay if you lived in A Quiet Place, what house mods would you do?

Boris: Well, I'd put it next to the river, for starters, or have river sounds. Maybe even live river sounds. A microphone by the river that goes straight to a speaker at the house. The fireworks thing was good but I'd prob just make it a simple switch...so the boy doesn’t have to run into a field to light it.

Dan: I would definitely install a doorbell that instead of making a sound it released some kind of fresh scent. I would get wireless headphones so I could play Xbox all night.

Boris: Oh wait we can’t forget about THE SCREAMING HOMELESS MAN.

Dan: That's my other favorite part don't spoil it.

Boris: Okay okay, forget i mentioned it.

Dan: My Quiet Place House (tuesday nights on HGTV) would have hammocks instead of spring mattresses and a simple wood burning stove instead of a loud beeping microwave.

Boris: I would prob put carpets down. Dunno why they didn’t do that wall to wall.

Dan: Definitely set up a podcast recording studio. And just jam in there for a while.

Ok, while the Boys are out singing Splash Waterfall, the girls are at home being Pregnant and Moody. Boris don’t look now but that kid from the opening scene who had a loud spaceship just walked in behind you. And he is already smashing his scooter against the railing. This is real and it is happening in our coffee shop.

Boris: Oh now do I warn him of what’s to come? SHUT THE FUCK UP KID. This is already fun I’ve never just made fun of a 4 year old over gchat in real time.

Dan: Jillian Bell is upset that she couldn't go with Dad so she runs away from home. First stop: her baby brother's memorial. While she is out and about we have The Nail Scene.

Boris: Right up until now, young Jillian Bell has kept the rocket that got her lil bro killed. Somehow the monster that killed him left the thing making the noise behind.

Dan: It's unclear whether the monsters...hate noise? Just use it to hunt? Either way, the monster just chopped the kid up but i guess the family went back to bury him and get the rocket. 

Boris: I would make a standalone movie out of the nail scene and submit it to shorts festivals.

Dan: Right? Okay so Pam is in the basement and she fills a big sack with something. I don't know what's in the sack. Beans? Baseball cards? Bees?

Boris: Laundry I assume. But it also looked like she used a laundry machine?

Dan: Either way she is lugging this big sack up the stairs and we keep seeing this portentous crooked nail STICKING OUT OF THE STAIRS.

Boris: Which seems like a no no. The nail is really in our face.

Dan: I haven't built stairs in a long time so I forget what the point of the nail in the middle of the step pointing up from the bottom is. I think it's for grip?

Boris: if i try my best to make excuses for them, which feels like someone defending contradictions in the bible, I'd say maybe there was another piece of wood on top. And that got pulled off? But even then it’s unlikely to be built that way. Also God is imaginary.

Dan: Either way, her sack gets caught on the nail but then it's ok but the nail is still there...lurking, waiting…

Boris: So the sack doesn’t just pull the nail, but BENDS the thick metal so that its now at a 90 degree angle straight up. With the camera  we HOLD ON IT for a while until you definitely get it. Also she did not at all investigate why the bag mysteriously would not pull up. Zero curiosity.

Dan: That scene was basically like if there was a big iphone hooked up to a Beats By Dre Pill and an app was running on it that had a big button that said "Top Halloween Spooky Loud Sounds" on it and someone accidentally changed it so instead the big button said “Please press me.”

Boris: Like I'm not gonna say she deserved to step on that nail, but it’s better her than someone else.

Dan: On the way home from the fishing trip the Boys pass a Spooky House. Get ready.

Boris: I saw the words KEEP, but not OUT, on the house.

Dan: KEEP

ON TRUCKIN

The boys walk past the Spooky House and we get a blurry background creepshot of a long haired beirdo.

Boris: This one was weird for a lot of reasons. The way they went through the sequence of shots, we lost Jim for a moment. And then after Dwight sees the long haired businessman, he walks into Jim’s backpack; Face full of fish.

Dan: Anyway Beardo is standing over a disemboweled woman, presumably a wife or other loved one. Jim gives him classic Jim Face. SHHHHHH!

Boris: Right I guess he's totally lost it. Like if you need to tell him to be quiet at this point...just run Jim. Or kill that old man!

Dan: And then he goes into the gnarliest Bitter Beer Face I've ever seen on the big screen.

Boris: Yeah he really puckered up for his scream.

Dan: He swallows his own head.

Boris: I would like to see the other takes.

Dan: "NO! BIGGER! YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TASTE YOUR FOREHEAD!"

Boris: Just the director (ALSO JIM) being like "Now give me one where you smell something that reminds you of brunch."

Dan: What do you think that guy's deal was?

Boris: Well I think they wanted him to be insane, and I suppose that is because his wife died?

Dan: There is an earlier scene up on top of a corn silo where Jim sets off a semi nightly signal fire. We see lots of other fires in the distance, just a sense of community thing I think. To show that humanity is still there for each other.

My question is: if this dude's....house? Is presumably on the path to the river where Jim gets his fish, shouldn't they know each other? Wouldn't they have made contact at some point earlier? Is he just a crazy vagrant?

Boris: If he is just “crazy”, ver the past year, more than a year, how could he possibly make it this far? Honestly he was basically a  sound terrorist. And if he wasn’t white, that would’ve been more clear. Media bias.

Dan: He is like that raccoon. I wanna see his story.

Oh wait we skipped a part. Before he leaves for the River but after he tells Jillian Bell she can't hang out in the basement, he gives her a new hearing aid device. She is NOT INTO it and tells him to stay out of her diary! This will be important later. Like all things in this movie.

Boris: Right she does take it, she just doesn’t let him put it on her.

Dan: Back at the ranch mom starts to have a baby even though her calendar says due date is in a few weeks. Gee lady i dunno maybe get AN APP  to track your pregnancy instead?!

Anyway she runs downstairs to...do what exactly?

Boris: It’s unclear.

Dan: She runs downstairs for some reason and spikes herself through the foot on The Nail. She drops something loud and you know what that means!

Boris: Pee! Now she's bleeding and pissing all over.

Dan: And she goes and flips a big switch in the corner of the command center, which, you guessed it, turns on part of the defense system. Loud sirens go off a few hundred yards from the house to distract the monsters.

Boris: Wait do they? No no they don’t.

Dan: No Just kidding instead some red lights come on.

Boris: Right just some red lights.

Dan: But she does grab an egg timer.

Boris: We see where this is going.

Dan: And then it does.

Boris: I would’ve had a whole Rube Goldberg device at this point, with egg timers and all sortsa fun stuff.

Dan: I bet Jeff Dunham is living the sweet life in this world.

Boris: Because he's racist?

Dan: Whenever the monsters show up he just makes a rock talk, and sneaks out the back. These monsters are sick getting tricked into eating Achmed the Dead Terrorists.

Boris: Yeah throwing your voice is prob the top skill in the new world.

Dan: Okay so the monsters attack the egg timer distraction goes off and Pam runs upstairs for a peaceful home birth. She tries to hold the baby in but the monsters are coming for her.

Jim and Dwight are making their way home after running away from screamo beardo when they see the Red Lights.

Boris: That’s when all Hell breaks loose.

Dan: Jim tells Dwight to set off the Rockets which, to your point earlier, is not a bad idea. It's just like, half a good idea. By rockets he means fireworks that are off on a hill somewhere.

Boris: Right, like Pam should’ve been able to set the rockets off on her own instead turning on red lights.

Dan: Boris there are. So. Many. Ways. To. Make. Noise. Too many I would say! It's literally harder to not make noise!

Boris: That’s the whole point of the movie... noise is easy!

Dan: Right and this movie is very clear, repeatedly, that these monsters can’t do shit around a louder noise. Their SONAR does not work near a river.

Boris: Right also to be clear, I was gonna touch back on this, they're blind...but they did not evolve echolocation.

Dan: That's right our good friend The Whiteboard tells us that a bunch of times.

Boris: How are they not constantly running into shit. Or I guess they are but they're indestructible so they just tear through stuff?

Dan: It is super weird. They definitely click. And they are basically giant ears. But they do not actually seem to be able to track movement the way you would think they could.

Boris: Also how has one of these monsters not destroyed that whiteboard yet!!! They're on to ya!

Dan: They can't read. At this point the fireworks go off, everyone is split up and there are monsters everywhere.

Boris: But really still just 3 of them? There are only 3 total monsters in this universe.

Dan: Oh that's true on the whiteboard it also says something like: "How many are there?" and then "3" is circled.

Well Pam has the baby (we will call him Michael Scott), Jim reunites with Pam, and they sneak into the secret silent baby hole.

Boris: Which is guarded by... a mattress.

Dan: I guess my main point is: Why dont they make the whole airplane* out of the black box**?

*house

**secret baby room

Boris: To their credit, they did bring the waterfall to that room. And by waterfall I mean hose. That will inevitably flood the room.

Also I wonder why no one's tried electrocuting the monster, Judge Dredd style. Wait no, not Judge Dredd. Demolition Man. That’s the one where Wesley Snipes is electrocuted right?

Dan: He is contractually obligated to be electrocuted by Sylvester Stallone whenever they appear on screen together.

Meanwhile, back outside the kids are running around. Jillian Bell sees the fireworks and runs home. She is scrambling around the corn field trying to make it back when she sees her brother’s flashlight.

A monster sneaks up beside her and gets FUCKED UP by her cochlear implant. His dumb clicking causes a feedback loop that fucks them both up but him more.

Boris: But she's not even aware the monster was there, I don’t think? She never turns around.

Dan: Classic Deaf Person Move.

Boris: It takes A LOT of instances of this happening before she puts two and two together. She's a kid but she's also supposed to be precocious.

Dan: Also I would say it seems strange that no one has tried this type of sound based attack before. Do these monsters attack sound because it can hurt them? OR can it hurt them because they are sensitive to it? The answer is: neither, get an axe. Or at least, that’s what Jim decides.

Boris: Incredibly. Touching back on what we started earlier, if the monster is sensitive to sound the logical weapon is not bright lights. We got lots of nice graphic shots of their earholes. It looked like a middle school health class video

Dan: Ya i think I saw a baby wink at me from in there. Okay so the kids eventually meet up. Jim and Pam and Michael Scott are tucking into their hidey hole and we are introduced to all the cool Baby Toys.

Such as: a lined coffin. An oxygen mask.

Boris: They're raising him to be a super villain. Let’s put him in this coffin and drug him. Oh so this part by the way, I mentioned the final episode of MASH. They're being hunted by the Vietcong, and the like whole village is hiding and someone has a newborn baby and the baby wont stop crying. So they kill the baby, and the whole group isn’t found by the vietcong.

Jim and Pam, these people MAKE A WHOLE NEW BABY. A really aggressive move against MASH.

Dan: This movie is the anti-MASH. It is SHAM. After they tuck Michael Scott into his PO Box Pam tells Jim to go find the kids. “If [they] can't protect their kids, who even are [they]?!” That’s the main thrust of her argument.

Boris: And he swears to protect them. Just a bunch of nonsense dialogue that’s supposed to prep us for him giving his life for them. An explicit Chekov's promise... if you will. It’s like instead of the gun someone just went "promise you'll shoot someone later."

Dan: So off he goes but not before like...ignoring a giant leaking hose that is pouring into the tiny room he is locking his wife and babby in.

Is this the point where the kids get on top of the corn silo?

Boris: Oh right. So they're hiding on the corn silo and run out of lighter fluid for making a giant signal fire. Which why would Jim  teach them to do that? It burns too quick. is this their first fire? Literally soak your coat in the fluid... add anything else.

Dan: Oh my god. Boris. I would have LOVED. LOOOOOOVED. If they accidentally pour lighter fluid into the silo and make a giant popcorn maker.

Boris: Haha yes!

Dan: It's so loud and delicious that all the monsters in the tristate area come running.

Boris: Like that movie Real Genius. These kids are no Val Kilmers.

Dan: The Real Real Genius...is man. Anyway that doesn’t happen and instead they fall into it and start drowning in corn.

Boris: Which is very good btw. Really a nice move drowning them in corn. That’s fun. First Dwight falls and he's just drowning so then Jillian Bell jumps in. She pushes a piece of the door that fell in also so he can grab on.

Dan: Meanwhile stuff is clanging all over the damn place so you know the Monsters are gonna want a piece of this action.

Boris: I wanna know how that camera guy didn’t sink into the corn!

Dan: I bet it was fake corn like Columbus gave to the native Americans.

Boris: Laced with disease. Typhoid maize

Dan: Like, hypothetically. If the monster shows up and these kids are like, sitting on some corn. Literally what can the monster do? It’s a bunch of corn how is he gonna find them. He will sink  into the corn too and drown.

WHAT IS THEIR WEAKNESS ???

((((CORN!!!!))))

Boris: Yeah the surviving in a sea of corn thing doesn’t feel like a strength issue; it’s a technique issue. So I don’t see the monsters advantage there. Even a child human should know the physics of corn better than a monster.

Dan: Oh no it wasn’t the airplanes, twas corn that killed the beast. Anyway yes the monster attacks them but the hearing aid fucks him up again.

Oh and while all this is happening, Pam and Michael Scott wake up in a flooded basement with a different monster digging through their bedside table. The hose has somehow made a tiny waterfall for them to hide behind so it's okay.

Pam grabs babby and hides in the waterfall until the Corn Silo noises happen and the monster runs away.

Look.

I'm not a physicist.

Boris: Engineer right?

Dan: But I am familiar with the inverse square law that governs the proportional intensity of a sound wave relative to the distance between the emitter and the observer.

There is NO WAY a silo clang on the other end of a dang field is going to be louder than the shit in that loud ass room.

Boris: Right especially with the artificial waterfall right there.

Dan: There is a lot of selective hearing with these dudes. Anyway Jim and Dwight and Jillian Bell all meet up and....start...walking home?

Boris: Ya know i bet they could see the whole time.

Dan: Haha that’s true. We have no reason to think that Jim's Whiteboard was actually accurate.

Boris: Right it’s a decoy whiteboard, for the monsters to find. The real whiteboard is in the corn silo

Dan: The Real Whiteboard...is man.

Boris: So this is where things really get goofy.

Dan: Yeah I might need some help here. For some reason Jim grabs an axe. But first the kids...run to a truck? What is the order of events here?

Boris: So Pam's chillin with the baby and the monsters are coming for Jim and the gang. He tells em to run to the car and grabs an axe to fight the invincible monster

Dan: Yeah why though? Why do they run? Can the monsters actually find them if they are not making noise? That's never really made clear.

Boris: Well I think the implied logic is that once the monster is onto them it’s gonna hear even like a heartbeat or whatnot. Provided the absence of a waterfall.

Dan: Oh sure, unless there is a river nearby or wind or a raccoon.

Boris: Also Jillian Bell turned off the hearing device that's saved her multiple times now.

Dan: Yes she turns it off because it gets annoying when there is a monster nearby. Not helpful at all to know these things.

Anyway Jim grabs an axe and a monster tries to get him and he swings his dork axe at the monster and it doesn't do anything pretty much other than get him knocked over.

Keep in mind these monsters up until now have pretty much decapitated everyone instantly with little to no effort.

The kids hide in the truck but Dwight yells Dad and the monster comes after them.

Boris: Jim i's still alive but we see there's a hole in his torso. Jillian Bell’s hearing aid is off I guess to... level the playing field?

Dan: Jim's guts are hanging out and he signs to his daughter that he loves her. It's… not… super… powerful.

Boris: Though he does repeat himself twice before letting out a very strange primal scream.

Dan: None of the interpersonal stuff really worked for me in this movie which is a shame because it's so tight and familiar and the stakes really hinge on that.

Boris: Again, I'd love to see the alternate takes.

Dan: Oh yeah Jim really gives a big old scream. George of the Jungle Style.

Boris: Pitchy...then the daughter watches attentively as he's ravaged. Oh my god. We forgot the scene where Jim is talking to Dwight and then Dwight tells him to tell his daughter that he loves her.

Dan: Yeah that was weird. Tonally it felt like telling Rachel to go to the airport and stop Ross.

Boris: Exactly like that, only a child telling an adult to communicate with his daughter.

Dan: Well the scream gives the kids just enough time to.....uh...release the emergency break? And roll down a hill. A silent getaway! Yeah Jim dies and the kids roll down a hill in an old truck.

Everyone meets up at the house and they run to the command center?

Boris: Yes they're chillin in the command center and then… what brings the monster again? The baby crying?

Dan: Probably? Honestly, the monsters just show up whenever the movie needs them to. There is truly no coherent framework for what will attract them and what won't. They are always just off camera waiting for their cue.

I've heard of quiet on the set, but Quiet in the Place?!

Boris: Right that’s the nice thing about this world. You can drop something and make a noise at any point. There was room for a funny sketch where monsters keep knocking stuff over and confusing each other. They needed a scene in an antiques store with a proper employee in a tuxedo and bifocals. A big sign that says “NO MONSTERS.”

Dan: Or at a flash mob in grand central. Silent Rave.

Boris: Ah yes definitely A Quiet Place silent disco. Let’s email Daybreakers.

Dan: I wanted to see these monsters at a library with a stank old librarian peering over her bifocals.

Boris: Haha yes. Ghostbusters style. Jim and Pam are married in real life right?

Dan; Ya, this Jim and this Pam are. I hear that in real life John Krasinski is more of a Pam.

Boris: But those kids weren’t their kids...?

Dan: No but they were married.

Boris: Do they have kids? Cuz that must be kinda weird for their kids. In other roles it’s a whole different family so it’s easy to say it’s just acting but now they have the same couple but the kids are someone else. Can’t be easy for their real kids.

Dan:  That's why acting is hard. Mostly for the kids. Macauley Culkin had to step away for so long because he thought his real family kept abandoning him.

Boris: Yea I listened to that episode of WTF. But then on the flip side of it, these kids parents gotta compete with Jim and Pam...the actor kid's real parents…

Dan: I think it would be better for everyone if everyone only acted with their actual family. That is what inclusion riders are for I think.

Okay so one of the monsters comes downstairs for some reason and gets really mad at one of the command center monitors that is barking static. Jillian Bell gets an idea and turns her hearing aid back on which fucks up the monster as per usual.

Boris: Which is weird because it’s surprising that the monitor even has built in speakers. It’s not that kind of monitor.

Dan: It doesn't make sense for a few reason. But that’s ok, it’s just a movie! Oh yeah also Pam has a big shotgun.

Boris: Better than an axe.

Dan: Jillian Bell takes off her hearing aid and holds it up to a big microphone and really lets the feedback blast. Monster does NOT LIKE THIS and his face holes open up really wide and freak out.

Boris: Yeah that opens up his face good and that’s when Pam lets him have it. A shotgun blast to the face with zero recoil.

Dan:  2 Big Amendments straight to the dome.

Boris: Point blank too. Basically an execution.

Dan: Gangland style. Oppa Gangland Style.

A good mom with a gun saves the day. Anyway the movie literally ends with two more monsters showing up. And Pam cocking her shotgun.

Boris: And Jillian Bell cocking her speaker.

Dan: I wish the closing credits were set to Click Click Boom by Saliva. THE. END.

Boris: I dunno what that is.

Dan: Click click boom!

Saliva - Click Click Boom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfjTZLxekig

Wow what a movie.

I would like to say a few things. Before we celebrate the marriage of Jim and Pam.

Boris: i was impressed to find out Jim directed it, I gotta say. I mean I'm sure he got a crack team of DP, editor, etc.

Dan: Yeah the "filmmaking" side of this film was very Professional. Which is not an insult. IT was very nice to look at and very nice to listen to and think about the role sound played in the experience.

Boris: Yeah decent sound editing, etc. And whoever was in the monster suit did a great job.

Dan: It reminds me of a high concept sci-fi movie that never really digs deep enough into what it proposes.

Boris: Right like Firefly. Instead it’s just Friends in space.

Dan: Like, this movie only exists because someone said wouldn't it be cool if we made a monster movie where the monsters kill based on sound.

Boris: Then the dang thing wrote itself.

Dan: They came up with some cool sequences, some fun sound-proofing life hacks and then got to work.

Boris: yeah I would say this movie could benefit from 1000% more gags. 

Dan: I can't imagine it would have been impossible to tighten stuff up a bit around the edges. Also more gags.

Boris: Well, all in all, I can say that this movie heavily shaped my views on immigration.

Dan: In which direction?

Boris: Build a wall and a waterfall flowing over that wall.

Dan: MAQA.

Boris: They're not sending us their quietest.

Dan: Okay, we covered most of what happens in The Quiet Place. Anything we missed? Anything you want to discuss that we didn’t cover?

Boris: No I think more gags just about covers it. Oh also! More GAGS like mouth gags…

Dan: For me I just want to say, this was not a bad movie. In fact, it was a good tense movie with the usual problems that jump scare movies have. It does some "new" things but not as interestingly as maybe they could have gotten away with.

Anyway, question time! What were your three favorite things about this movie?

Boris: Yes, I would say 

1) Some nice shots cinematography wise. The two I think I already mentioned are the bathtub birth and on the bridge as we reveal the boy with the rocket.

2) I think a couple nice emotional moments, the way it was all put together connected briefly in between the silly elements.

3) No deaf voice.

Dan: 1) I loved Bitter Beer Face Man. It was so stupid. The whole thing from setup to payoff.

2) I liked that the command center had newspapers plastered all over the wall like Jim was trying to catch a serial killer but the only information they had was about how the Monsters are Killing Everyone

3) I liked that Jim had a beard but it was well groomed and Pam had no leg hair. You gotta maintain even in these troubled times.

Ok, if you could change one thing about the movie, what would it be?

Boris: I think I'd make the monsters more human, like not all the way but bring it a bit closer to shape of water.

Dan: Oh sure maybe some interspecies romance? What happens when a girl who can’t hear anything falls in love with a monster who hears everything?

Boris: Well also i just wanna feel a little bad for the monster when they kill it.

Dan: Tonight...I want to do it with the cochlear implant on....

For me I would have loved to see at least one shot inside a government bunker with a bunch of scientists and generals sitting around a big conference table arguing and the president slams his fist down and everyone goes silent and then he looks up and says, "WHAT IS THEIR WEAKNESS?"

And then the bunker door opens and Jillian Bell walks in and Pam cocks her shotgun.

CLICK CLICK BOOM!

Boris: "Follow us."

Dan: Okay last one, if you could change the name of the movie, what would you call it?

Boris: Well Click Click Boom def comes to mind now but otherwise hmm either Shhhhh with a shusshing emoji. Or maybe "The Waterfall Will Set You Free." 

By the way I mentioned this before, but from the Monster's POV it’s probably A Very Loud Place. The monster is sadly autistic and overloaded with input.oooh!

I would’ve also LOVED if they tried to put construction worker sound-proofing headphones on the monster's head. "This'll do it!"

I would go with WHAT IS THEIR WEAKNESS or Kids Say The Loudest Things.

Dan: Thanks again for joining me today Boris. Any last words for our faithful fans?

Boris: I guess... don't bother watching the movie now?

Dan: Same, and remember...if it's too quiet...you're too old!

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Boris Khaykin is a comedian from Brooklyn, NY with a silent K in his last name. He performs stand up all over the country and has been featured in Time Out NY as one of the biggest stars of Brooklyn Comedy Fest, and on Collegehumor Live. He's got lots of videos online.  He would like you to watch this video about a dead pigeon.