Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing!
Michael and I got together at Williamsburg Cinemas in, say it with me now, Williamsburg, for a fine Friday morning matinee. After the movie we walked to Sugarburg on the corner of Union Ave and Metropolitan Ave for some coffee and a little cyberchat. I had a cold brew and Michael had an Americano. Michael, more than any guest I've ever had, hated the very idea of this podcast, stating multiple times, out loud and to my face, how bad the idea of a Podcast You Have To Read is.
Dan: Hi Michael! Thank you so much for joining me today on Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. We did what so many random characters did not: survive this dumb movie. Before we get started I only have one question: "Do you remember the first time you saw a dinosaur?"
Michael: Hmmm wow that's a great question. I definitely have a distinct memory of being in the Springfield, MA Science Museum where there were was a giant dino statue (two stories), running up to look at it, and then getting scared and crying. Also Jurassic Park. The movie. That was great.
Dan: I also credit Jurassic Park The Movie as being not only the first time I saw a dinosaur in real life, but also as being the main reason that even today that I am afraid of dinosaurs spitting poison in my eyes.
I am more afraid of dinosaurs spitting poison in my eyes than I am of a more traditionally scary scenario, like getting shot by a ghost.
Michael: I like the visceral feeling of spit in an eye. It’s something you can hold on to, ya know?
Dan: Here’s spit in your eye, kid.
Michael: Oh, I just saw Casablanca for the first time last month. GREAT MOVIE. but not nearly enough dinosaurs. Could have used 10 -12 more.
Dan: Most movies could. So Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is the latest in the long line of Jurassic Park movies each chasing the original high. Before you arrived at the theatre, a 10 year old boy in the row behind me was talking loudly on his (?) cell phone.
Michael: I'm so sad I missed this.
Dan: He said, and I quote, "This one isn't gonna be as good as the other one. You seen the reviews? 52% on Rotten Tomatoes."
Michael: I bet it was a Nokia Brick.
Dan: I don't know who he was talking to.
Michael: Kids know where it's at. The discerning audiences member whose parents bought their tickets. Whatever, asshole, you're the one about to watch it now!
Dan: At one point in the conversation he said, "I'm sorry I can't hear you. It's too loud in here. Hahahahah. I'm sorry there was a Sprite commercial."
Then he turned to his mom and said, "Did you see that Sprite commercial? S-S-S-Sprite!"
My point is, this kid did not laugh or gasp once during the entirety of the movie.
Michael: I also liked the row of children in front of us who were with either their dad or their HUGE brother and the dad was wearing a safari helmet and having much more fun than they were. He was also on his iPhone X the entire film.
Dan: Safari dad spent most of his time on Facebook, looking at a selfie of himself taken at that very movie. It was poignant.
Michael: And the children would punctuated the movie with long, sad sighs. Just that noise you make when you wake up thinking it's the weekend but it's still Friday. Or you get your diagnosis from the doctor.
Dan: Yes one of the kids was wearing a literal dinosaur head through the film. He was MAYBE 11 years old. He sighed often and said things like: "There's gonna be a raptor in that bush." Sigh.
If you can't win over these kids with your dinosaur movie, I just don't know what to tell you.
Michael: I kept kicking his head and saying "SHUT UP KID, I’M TRYING TO SEE WHAT'S IN THAT BUSH."
Okay so I hated this movie. I don't even think i had fun? And I was looking forward to it!
Dan: Same, but before we really get into it, I do want to unpack a little more about what the original movies and or books mean to you.
Michael: OKAY READY?
Michael: I was a huge Michael Crichton fan as a kid. I read both Jurassic Park books and loved them and then would read every other book of his I could find at the library, including one sexy part in Timeline (many times). I don't remember the exact first time I saw the movie.
Dan: Did you read Congo?
Michael: Big monkey? Oh yeah.
Dan: Monkeys and diamonds, if I recall. Man and woman's best friends, in that order.
Michael: Yes and Sphere. And then there was Travels, Michael Crichton's book about his life. Where in one chapter he describes hiring a busty secretary knowing it was a bad idea, sleeping with her, and then firing her. C'est La Vie!
Dan: Life finds a way.
Michael: Hahahaha. Stuck with me. But I also loved the movie.
Dan: Okay, so the first movie. For our younger listeners (aged 6-8), I can't stress enough how big this movie was and is. Both for cinema and for the world's perception and infatuation with our dino pals.
Michael: I don't remember the exact first time I saw it, but I believe it was the time period where my parents moved the TV from their room to the living room. and they let me build a fort and watch movies in that for. This was one movie that scared the bugs out of me. But I couldn't admit I was scared because I had fought so hard to see this movie.
But yeah this was a HUGE thing. Like how Ant Man is for us today. And yes that IS a pun. 😉
Dan: Like, imagine if Ant Man existed and instead of the Wasp helping him, it was a Chaotician. All the kids you see wearing Ant-Man helmets everywhere would have instead been wearing Jurassic Park Jeeps on their head back in the 90s.
Michael: Exactly. I also went on a Jurassic Park ride at Disney [I think Michael means Universal Studios? Alternatively, he thinks the dinosaur in Toy Story is very scary - ed.] and screamed for a day. Truly truly shook me to my dick.
Dan: I am convinced that after this movie came out, some rich Canadian guy's kids were obsessed with it. They couldn't shut up about it and so he bought a basketball team and called it the Raptors. This is canon.
Michael: We all know this.
Dan: The timeline (Michael Crichton pun) checks out.
Michael: It’s a bit of a strain...an ANDROMEDA Strain!!! And then the second move was good. and the third one was....bad? But still better than this. Was Haley Joel in the third one?
Dan: Honestly there is no way to know. But correct about it being bad. Safe to say, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom sort of takes the wrong lessons about why people liked these movies at all?
What is everyone's favorite thing about Jurassic Park?
Dan: Yes exactly. The cages and when the dinosaurs are in cages being transported, of course!
Michael: Also business deals! I want to know who PROFITS!
Dan: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is like deciding to make a movie about spray painting the Green and Yellow Jeeps.
Michael: Yeah yeah dinos are cool, but the only BIG things I care about are the STOCK CHARTS. Also as an aside, in those first movies, dinosaurs acted like dinosaurs
Dan: Kid when I was your age, dinosaurs were dinosaurs and kids were NOT clones. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom gives you the part of this franchise you crave most: people opening metal junction boxes in walls and plugging in wires. 4 times this happens.
Michael: Edge of my seat. Also not to jump ahead, but there are mechanisms to interact with cages and move them around through the world in a rube goldberg style way. That must have taken YEARS to make and plan. It made no sense, to me, a dumb man.
Dan: In the same way that the previous Jurassic World spent way too much time going into the logistics of running a theme park, this one spends way too much time on the logistics of animal transport and maintenance.
Okay, you ready to do this thing? How does this movie even start, I forgot. James Cameron in a submersible?
Michael: Yes. I actually liked this. So it starts in the ocean.
Dan: Right, like all of Life.
Michael: And I think the movie has a FEW images that are good. Not scenes but images.
Dan: There is one scene that was good. I will say when it happens.
Michael: So there are two unknown people in a tiny bubble sub, and they are floating in scary dark nothingness
Dan: A subble bub, we call it.
Michael: And they cut a bone off of a bone pile, and then there's a big old FISH DINO and it APPEARS in shadow. That was good! Scale was used well, light played into things and it was suspenseful.
Dan: Correct, this is the big Fishagator Dino from the previous movie that eats the uh, BITCHY BUSINESS LADY for no reason and the audience clapped for it.
Michael: Well the audience hated women. Because the movie told them to. Anyway so Fishagator is back in a BIG WAY! They were expecting the dinos to be dead, I think?
Dan: That's right. We come to understand that is some kind of research mission to recover genetic info from some of the dinos in the previous movie. Yes, everyone keeps saying how “all the dinos are dead I bet.” I don't understand why they think this but they do.
Michael: Fishagator eats the bubble sub and I just gotta say....that's gotta hurt. It's like when you choke on a vitamin pill and it gets lodged in your throat.
Dan: I bet he had a stiff neck after that! (Viagra)
If you haven't seen Jurassic World: they open a park and it goes bad and I guess the company just...left all the dinos behind and went home.
Michael: Then there's a nerd trying to shut a water gate before they leave, and his friends are trying to leave in a Choppa (Arnold).
Dan: Nerds opening and closing gates is a big part of the Jurassic Park/World/Galaxy mythos.
Michael: As the nerd is working on closing the door with a metal thing connected to wires (first of many) we see a dino creeping up, occasionally lit by lightning. I LOVED THAT. Another good image.
Dan: Oh yeah this was good. He (the nerd not the dino) has an ipad that monitors how closed the door is, by percentage.
Michael: Another good image. That was when they were doing things right.
Dan: Oh Michael, you like T-Rexes posing in the moonlight? Have I got a movie for you! This T-Rex loves a photo op. She does the same thing 3 or 4 more times.
Michael: I said this outside the movie, but I think Jurassic Park is more horror movie than anything else. These types of glimpses of a scary thing are so much more effective than just having 245 dinos on screen walking around and stepping in gum or whatever they did.
Dan: If Jurassic Park is a horror movie, Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom is an ad for guns.
Michael: It's like when a horror movie has a ghost or a Babadook, only show us little glimpses! The more we see the less we care! Plus in the original they had those great practical dinos and this one is so CGI, which is whatever, inevitable. But the less you show us the more we can imagine.
Anyway then nerd gets chomped.
Dan: Yes the nerd gets chomped and the T-Rex steps on his ipad. The ipad I guess isn't just monitoring how closed the door is but is actually...closing it? Once the ipad is stomped the door stops closing! Ooops! Cya later Fishagator!
Michael: Yes the fishagator escapes into the sea.
Dan: Never to be seen again...😎
Michael: Like a that famous gun, but if the gun truly didn't matter and in the last line of a play someone was like, hey is that your gun in the puddle? I guess so!
Dan: Yes it is like if in the 3rd Act Chekov has a character watch a news story about a surfer who sees a gun at a pawn shop and that is the payoff.
Michael: Hahahahahahah YES.
Dan: Okay so now that our cold open is done we get a BBC News Update on the state of the (Jurassic) World. Sum it up for me.
Michael: Ummm. I don't remember.
Dan: Dino Lives Matter.
Michael: No. Yes. So the island is going to blow up because inciting incident, and people are trying to decide if they should let the dinos die or save them.
Dan: Oh jesus. Yes. The dormant volcano on the island gets "UPGRADED TO ACTIVE."
Michael: There are only two colors on that chart: black and red, baby. There's some kind of a government hearing and Jeff Goldbug [I would normally correct this typo but I like Goldbug so… - ed.] is like "Uhh we, um, have to...let them, uh, die!" and he is wearing transition lenses.
Dan: Yes, America is...debating whether to save these dinosaurs or let them die. They decide to let them die. No other countries exist in this universe so that settles it.
It is about this time that we are re-introduced to Bryce Dallas Howard who now runs a uh, call center for Dino-Activists. Everyone on her team sucks major ass.
Michael: I think it was supposed to be a Bernie-style, grassroots campaign room.
Dan: Yes I agree.
Michael: And we don't know why or what or how this campaign exists. But we know that BDH loves to gasp, and that she has a cool nerd dino doc friend and a lame nerd dino computer guy.
Dan: Yes her two main people are a Paleo-Veterinarian Woman and A Nerd. A few thoughts on Franklin, the Nerd.
Michael: Great character.
Dan: When they inevitably all wind up on Dino Island (spoiler), you and I turned to each other and asked with our eyes, "why is this guy here?"
Michael: Well, we soon found out.
Dan: Later, when he hacks literally everything and rewires the mainframe, etc, we asked with our eyes, "why was this guy wasting his time at the DSA Headquarters?"
Michael: Someone had to use the metal box with the wires! DINO-ISLAND-HACKER YAAAASSSSSS.
Dan: Here is a picture of Franklin:
Michael: Well later on we find out why he was in the campaign room: his dad encouraged him to get a job where he'd interact with people. I was like, "Oh join a soccer league."
Dan: Take an improv class! I hear UCB hasn't gone out of business yet!
Michael: Get kidnapped! Code for Seeso!
Dan: Anyway BDH and crew want to...raise money for dinosaurs. Great.
Michael: Right and BDH has to go and convince Chris Pratt to join her crew, so they can save Blue - a big lizard we all love.
Dan: She gets a phone call from...Lockwood! A name that means nothing to us but a lot to her!
Michael: Lockwood has a hot young assistant, who BDH met “10 years ago.”
Dan: Was he hot?
Michael: Yeah dude, he was smoking (he's like a 7).
Dan: He read as: weiner boy who will double cross you. I guess that is hot.
Michael: Immediately you know he's a bad guy, he's so instantly over acting. Too friendly, too intense, with a thick layer of slime.
Dan: Double cross me, daddy.
Michael: Everything in this movie is telegraphed from a mile away.
Dan: Well we learn a few things in this introduction.
1) Lockwood was Dr Hammond's partner back in the day, and together they invented dinosaurs.
2) Lockwood's evil helper guy, who I don't remember the name of, is going to help him build a sanctuary for da dinos. Rather than make it a park for tourists it will be a safe space for the dinowflakes to wear their diapers and prance about.
Michael: I think the helper guy was named Goug, said like Doug.
Dan: 3) We learn that Lockwood is played by James Cromwell and will not survive this movie.
Michael: Yes Cromwell is so movie sick it's nuts. At one point he even says "ah my DAMN pills!" Also we see a map of the sanctuary and it's a nice island and sort of begs the question....isn’t this island plan the thing that happens and goes wrong in every other movie?
Dan: Oh also there is a little girl running about this mansion and this is when you turned to me and said "This girl is a clone of his [Cromwell’s] daughter."
Michael: YES because Goug says "She's a lot like her mother" and then looks down and says "a lot like her." Or some shit.
Dan: This movie spends every opportunity to step on its own reveals.
Michael: And I’m like, did Ace of Base write this movie? Because I just saw The Sign. Thank you.
Dan: Okay great. So Goug needs BDH's help to illegally...steal the dinosaurs from the park she used to work at? The plan is unclear, but he says they need a) her handprints and b) her help getting Chris Pratt back into the movie so he can make nice with the raptors.
Michael: They don't need him, it's such bullshit.
Dan: They don't need anyone for any reason.
Michael: Because SPOILERS: they end up just tranquilizing the raptor! So WHY DID YOU NEED HIM, GOUG?
Dan: Literally why do they need BDH? They have unlimited helicopters. They say they need her handprint to "track the specimens" or some shit.
Dan: Just hack a box, guy.
Michael: So BDH goes to Chris Pratt, and he's building a house skeleton that reminds us of Dinoskeletons. Because the message is...houses are all alive and we live in their bellies, right?
OH WAIT I wanted to say - Cromwell:I like him a lot. Terrible acting in this movie. I was so disappointed.
Dan: I blame the script.
Dan: And his acting.
Michael: Well it’s not his fault. He was dying. That makes it hard to act. BDH and Chris flirt and talk about why they broke up and I instantly remembered: they had NO CHEMISTRY ever.
Dan: Well BDH offers Chris Pratt the hard buildin, hard fuckin american boy a beer. He agrees and they go to a bar and order that beer that all working class american boys love to drink: Beck's German Style Pilsner.
Michael: Goes down smooth after a long day of hammering without nails.
Dan: And I ain't talkin about buildin houses…
Michael: Chris says something like "let the dinos die! IDGAF" and she's like really??? and he's like YUP and the movie ends!
Dan: Yeah he is a really tough sell but then he changes his mind off screen in between scenes and shows up in the plane anyway.
Michael: Oh right.
Dan: Also this is when Franklin and The Vet are also on the plane for no reason. Franklin was so bad, Michael.
Michael: There are still 4 more hours left of this movie. The Vet was brilliantly played by an old baseball glove with a frown.
Dan: Michael, the Vet is played by a woman.
Michael: WHOOPS. okay so there's an old army guy there, brilliantly played by an old baseball glove.
Dan: Oh you mean Sam Eagle.
Michael: YES. And he is frowning so hard. And I'm over here like "It takes more muscles to frown than to smile!" And he's like "I have enough muscles." And he's just a generic bad military man.
Dan: Oh yeah this guy is so good. When our heroes land on Dino Island, the super frowny military man is there to greet them.
Michael: And I just want to say...on the record...I support the troops.
Dan: He has one personality trait: likes to collect teeth.
Michael: Right. Like this:
But with more. Also the good guys have No Plan.
Dan: It is about this point in the movie where I realize that this is going to be a movie not about dinosaurs at all, but about good guys and bad guys. In fact, we finally learn that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a dinosaur, is a good guy with a dinosaur.
Michael: We, the audience, don't know what kinds of dinosaurs are out there, or what kind of challenges exist for anyone. Truly it's just a fucking free for all that we don't really get to see,
Dan: The whole situation on dino island is bad, stupid and over quickly.
Michael: This makes me mad, because I think this could be a really cool scene! Or at least a cool set piece. Volcano is exploding! Like have lava, and have dinos, and have characters be trying to humanely catch them. Instead it was just Michael Bay explosion nonsense.
Dan: I was surprised how quickly everything on dino island is resolved. Heroes show up, bad guys double cross them in the very next scene, volcano explodes, everyone leaves.
Michael: Almost immediately the army guys "double cross" our heroes and leave Chris Pratt for dead. WHY?!
Dan: Yes let me rewind a second.
Michael: No. Actually I have to go. See you later, I have to call my doctor.
Dan: So Chris Pratt, Vet, and Teeth Frownman split off into a search party to look for Blue, the friendly raptor. Blue is Chris Pratt's friend from the first movie and is "important" for an undisclosed reason in this one. They track her down and Teeth tranqs her. Chris is mad so Teeth tranqs him too. The Vet says hey don't do that or i won't treat this raptor!
Teeth says fine and they all presumably pack up and go. Vet is then implicitly okay with them leaving chris behind to die because that is what happens.
Michael: <step step step>
.....Hey! anybody sitting here?
Dan: Oh Hi, what happened to Michael?
???: Michael??! I dunno who Michael is. My name is Jimmy Bugs, and I'm a baseball manager.
Can I sit down and type here with you for a bit? Boy I sure love baseball!
Dan: Oh great. Sure did you see Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom?
Jimmy Bugs: Seen it?!!! I was IN IT!
Dan: Oh wow who did you play?
Jimmy Bugs: I was the fat dinosaur. And also the shortstop consultant. I was the one who told them that all the dinos should have matching jerseys and long pants so they can slide into home.
Dan: Great. I thought you were very fat.
Jimmy Bugs: But yeah i have a lot of thoughts about this movie,
Dan: We were just talking about the scene where the bad guys leave Chris Pratt for dead and then lava tries to eat him.
Jimmy Bugs: it bugged me that we didn't see Chris actually get left behind. That's a huge emotional moment! Like when you dump gatorade on your coaches head after a homer! And by not showing it, they lose any chance of The Vet being an impactful character, and it implies that she was like "yeah whatever"
Dan: Totally. We do get some decent clowning work when Chris has to act out his tranquilizer wearing off just in time to escape.
Jimmy Bugs: Yeah Chris Pratt flops around and then gets licked by a three horn and it's FUNNY! Because it's gross! All the while BDH and Franklin are in a metal room and they get locked in.
Dan: Right, I need to pause for a sec and talk about Dinosaurs. These Jurassic Movies do a thing where every episode they invent a newer bigger badder dinosaur. Great, fine. Do that.
Jimmy Bugs: That's what makes something scarier! SIZE!
Dan: The problem is that they always end up getting eaten by a T-Rex anyway (don’t tell me that’s the POINT, there is no point) and then also they all just show up whenever and there is no difference between them.
Jimmy Bugs: NO DIFFERENCE AT ALL.
Dan: This movie had a bunch of what I presume are dino-cameos from all the classic super-dinos. Horny face! Long mouth! Tall Legs!
Jimmy Bugs: And it feels like a bad improv game where in a the final scenes you get a bunch of characters popping into say their catchphrases.
Dan: Anyway the volcano explodes and all the dinos start running off a cliff. Chris Pratt somehow runs into Franklin and BDH and they all run away together with the dinos.
Jimmy Bugs: And then they are in the water in bubble car and they almost drown.
Dan: Wait before that. Slow down Jimmy.
When the volcano is exploding, our human friends hide behind a Big Log. For some reason, rather than go over or around the log, all the dinosaurs smash it up.I don't know why they smash it up instead of avoid it but then, I'm not a paleo-veterinarian OR a short stop consultant.
Anyway yes, BDH and Franklin eventually get into a bubble sphere car which leads to the ONLY GOOD SCENE in this movie. They roll off a cliff and into the ocean and they are trapped and it is actually tense. Not because we think they will drown but because it is claustrophobic and well shot and there are dinosaurs drowning all around them.
Jimmy Bugs: Oh this scene didn't do much for me. I don't know .
Dan: What are you not afraid of water or something?
Jimmy Bugs: I think it was shot well but I knew they'd escape.
Dan: Water kills more people per year than all the dinosaurs combined.
Jimmy Bugs: And it wasn't like a clever way of getting out or anything.
Dan: The way they got out was stupid yes.
Jimmy Bugs: it was cool seeing the dinos flop into the water, but it just felt like more chaos.
Dan: That is what chaos theory is. If you paid attention.
Jimmy Bugs: I think it would have been cool if the bubble didn't start leaking and they kept floating further and further down.
Dan: And they just rolled back to America.
Jimmy Bugs: Hahaha rolling on up. But Chris knifes them out. And i DID hold my breath the whole time to see if I’d have survived...and i did it!
Dan: Hell yeah. Oh, and speaking of, the First Act actually isn't over yet. We have to show that the military men pack up a bunch of dinos onto a big boat and return home.
Jimmy Bugs: So then they swim to the beach and see all the dinos getting on their Carnival Cruise ship. The good guys steal a car and LAUNCH it onto the boat from a flat plane.
Dan: Hahaha. I forgot about that launch.
Jimmy Bugs: It just jumps.
Dan: Yes BDH does a wheelie jump in her Jeep from a standing start.
Jimmy Bugs: It would have been cool if there was a ramp or some shit, and Nerd was like NO NO NO! But BDH goes for it anyway.
Dan: This part was also super dumb because BDH disguises herself in a John Deere hat and no other costume elements.
Jimmy Bugs: Oh and NONE of the bad guys notice that they just landed an Ollie with an Hummer.
Dan: After they Jeep Jump onto the boat they turn around and watch a big Bronto wave from the dock as he gets covered in volcano dust.This was really funny! But i think the movie thought it was really sad!
Okay, Act II: The Long Slow Boat Ride from...Costa Rica to the Pacific Northwest?
Jimmy Bugs: This made me so mad because I think Dinos On A Boat is a really great set piece, But all we see is Chris and friends hiding in cages and trying to save Blue. And I'm on the record of saying LET THE DINOS DIE. They must die. Sorry not sorry.
Dan: There is a 10 minute scene where they decide they need to do a dino blood transfusion. And then they do that.
Jimmy Bugs: But imagine if ONE dinosaur was loose and you were trying to hide from it on the deck and also not get caught by the bad guys!
Dan: That's a different movie. Because then we don't get a 3rd act where there are Russian Arms dealers and a Dino Fashion Show runway.
Jimmy Bugs: But again, there is no real plan and the heroes don't know where they are and what they're doing which makes it boring to watch.
Dan: I truly do not understand the point of the long boat ride. It is so long. What does it add? Let's play devil's advocate. What does the movie get from this?
Jimmy Bugs: Okay yeah. Hmmm, well Blue gets saved and so if she were a human we'd say "this is where they save the person who will save them."
Dan: Right but she is already their friend, saving her again doesn’t get them anything, story or character wise. It’s not like they won her over.
Jimmy Bugs: Yes and there are so many other ways to do that. And I also assumed that Vet saved her already back in the woods. That felt like the implication at the end of that scene?
Dan: I am truly struggling. So many things happen because this part of the movie is so long. But none of it has any purpose.
Jimmy Bugs: Nothing else fun happens on the boat. I truly don't remember and we JUST saw this.
Dan: The boat goes from Costa Rica to the Pacific Northwest. I want to reiterate that.
Jimmy Bugs: Nerd gets mistaken for an army guy and gets pulled away...but we never see him have to pretend to be army guy so it doesn't matter or pay off.
Dan: Franklin bad.
Jimmy Bugs: That might actually be a kinda fun scene, but the movie couldn't handle that. Ernest Goes To Army.
Dan: Oooh yeah show me Franklin trying to tie a boat rope but instead the bends his weiner off by accident.
Jimmy Bugs: Well finally now we are at Cromwell / Goug's house! There's a line like "He must have a huge garage" and he DOES.
Dan: Yes, so now we move into the final set piece of the movie.
Jimmy Bugs: He has a huge garage, so it's not a funny line. Ugh the rest of the movie is such an awful terrible mess. Like I’m getting angry right now. WHY IS THE GRANDDAUGHTER SO HEAVILY FEATURED???
Dan: I honestly feel like this super weird long 3rd act was what the movie wanted to be from the beginning. Dino Trouble in Spooky Mansion. It fails at this as well, but it seems like THIS is what they wanted.
Jimmy Bugs: And again...I like that idea. DINO ON BOAT = good! DINO IN MANSION = good! But you need one dino! Or...build it like the other movies where there are different dinos with different rules, like a haunted house. Every time you try to escape there's another thing that scared you. I WOULD LOVE THAT.
Dan: Yes. They ALMOST do that with the NEWEST BIGGEST BADDEST dino. But the rules they set up out loud aren't paid off except for one part that makes no sense.
Jimmy Bugs: This movie is so chaotic and all over the place. What rule? That he hates lasers?
Dan: The rules for the new super dino are:
This dino will listen to its leader dino (Blue).
This dino will chase the laser (Some of the guns have a laser).
Those are the rules. One is paid off sort of, the other isn’t at all. And guess whether it's the fun one or the dumb laser one that is paid off.
Jimmy Bugs: Okay we are in the big mansion and we find out that Cromwell is not well and that stupid Goug has manipulated his plan.
Dan: Yes, drag him. Let's talk about Goug's plan. Because it is the setup for the entire rest of the movie.
Jimmy Bugs: All the dinos have been brought to this mansion so he can...sell them. In an auction. To...criminals? It's like a black market thing.
Dan: I LOVE THIS. He has a bunch of ARMS DEALERS coming to BUY the DINOSAURS. I want this Russian guy to sell a Raptor to Child Soldiers in the Sudan.
Jimmy Bugs: That would be a fun movie. It's just so stupid.
Dan: Show me a coup d'etat by a warlord riding a battle stego.
Jimmy Bugs: If you are just chasing profit...there has to be a better way.
Dan: Trade in those Ak-47s for pterodactyls. HELL YES.
Jimmy Bugs: Oh yeah but I do love the broker played little guy from the bad Capote movie being like: “...my time is precious, I don't deal with amateurs,” so I'm going to leave and buy dinos elsewhere? Goug has ALL THE POWER!!! Literally he controls the market.
Dan: Hahaha yes. Good negotiating by Goug. He has to BEG this guy to run the auction. Also you can’t say little guy.
Jimmy Bugs: And he's like, we can get $4 mil for a dino NO PROB. Which feels...low?
Dan: We talked about this. Let me explain.
In OUR World, dinosaurs don't exist, and so they would be worth billions of dollars each. In Jurassic World, dinosaurs DO exist, and so they are not worth as much. In Jurassic World, a dinosaur is worth far less than one season of Lebron James playing basketball for your team.
Jimmy Bugs: i hate your logic because it’s wrong. Dinos are worth nothing in our world because they don't exist. Hey Dan, how much will you pay for this troll I have?
Dan: Can I weaponize it?
Jimmy Bugs: You can give him a rock.
Dan: For trolls about to rock, we salute you.
Jimmy Bugs: Oh noooo. So at the same time as all this, Little Girl Granddaughter is sneaking around and pieces this dumb plan together. And B.D. Wong is there and we are supposed to care.
She tries to tell Cromwell what’s going on and he says "GO TO BED."
Dan: Yeah B.D. Wong, the geneticist from the other Movies shows up and we learn that he is building the aforementioned NEWER SUPER DINO for Goug.
Jimmy Bugs: I don't care about that. it's like, who cares? You have a garage full of other dinos.
Dan: It's important, Michael / Jimmy.
Jimmy Bugs: Jimmy died. Peanut allergy. 😞
Big Michael: It's me Big Michael!
Dan: The new super dino is important because as they explain: Blue, the friendly raptor is its mom and it will only listen to her. But also that never happens in the movie and they just fight instead.
Big Michael: I HATE big dino. I HATE the genetic splicing. i hate everything they do to "raise the stakes." YOU HAVE DINOS.
Dan: Yes they splice a raptor with a made up dinosaur from the previous movie to make this dinosaur that is introduced an hour and a half into this movie and then killed a few minutes later.
Big Michael: Exactly. Just let them be dinosaurs bro, it’s enough.
Dan: This dinosaur is a prankster though. You gotta respect that.
Big Michael: They talk about how scary it is. I do not believe it. It's not scarier than the T-Rex! It just isn’t!
Dan: Did you not like the scene where this new dinosaur literally pranks Teeth Frownman?
Big Michael: And then WINKS at the audience? Right? That happens?
Dan: Yes the dinosaur winks. During the prank.
Big Michael: And smiles wryly. I hated that.
Dan: The prank is: I will pretend I am tranquilized and then I will eat this guy.
Big Michael: I HATED SO MUCH OF THIS.
Dan: Hi I'm Super Dino and this is Jackass.
Big Michael: Good prank.
Dan: Okay so dino jail. Chris and BDH are thrown into dino jail in the basement and they can't escape. But guess who their jail neighbor is.
Big Michael: BIG ROCK HEAD!
Dan: I fucking love Bone Head Dino. I am all in on Bone Head Dino. Many sequels please.
Big Michael: Well Chris whistles at him, and that makes this dino...who is a herbivore I think? Makes him headbutt a BRICK WALL. At least 16 times. It made me mad because hey, that’s gotta hurt!
Dan: Honestly, Bone Head lives for this shit. Bone Head gonna Hone Head. Would you tell an eagle not to soar? Will not a shark follow blood?
Big Michael: Would Hollywood not make bad movie?
Dan: Yewouch, that’s gotta hurt!
Big Michael: So anyway they make Bone Head hit the gate and they get out.
Dan: Yes our hero Bone Head Dino, née Pachycephalosaurus, breaks them out of jail.
Big Michael: Chris and BDH find the little girl who is immediately like “you’re my new parents now.”
Dan: Yes, this part of the movie was, as most of it, weird. They don't meet until well into the 3rd act.
Big Michael: Oh and Goug suffocates Cromwell with a pillow.
Dan: Great! Now the auction is in full swing. They have built this weird minecart / fashion show situation where dinos come out one by one in cages and everyone oohs and ahhs.
Big Michael: Again, the tech in this movie around the movement of cages costs more than they could EVER MAKE at an auction. But hey the people are LOVING IT and little guy is so happy to be selling these big lizards.
Dan: In the same way that Domino's claims not the be a Pizza Company but a Technology Company, Goug's is not a Dinosaur Selling Company but a Crate Logistics Company.
Anyway the dinos are flying off the shelves but now let's reveal a prototype of things to come. Here is Super Dino, but he's not for sale!
Big Michael: Chris, BDH and little girl (I’ll call her Mazer) watch this happen.
Dan: Everyone in the audience of the auction is SCARED OF THIS DINO, who is literally no different or more scary than any of the others. They cower in fear of it.
Big Michael: Chris is like "THAT CAN'T LEAVE THIS PLACE." Implying that "All the other dinos....eh, we'll see" and "That will be a game time decision."
Dan: This movie tells you over and over what a nad nasty little freak this new dino is.
Big Michael: But we never see it.
Dan: Anyway at some point, off camera, Chris goes away and finds Bone Head again, who he puts on elevator that literally opens up into the auction room for some reason.
Bone Head starts killing everyone. He smashes people in the chest to death with his skull.
Big Michael: It was so satisfying. One guy flew across the room! Like a pterodactyl!
Dan: I'm telling you I'm all in on Bone Head. We have to explain to people that bonehead is like the size of a miniature pony.
Big Michael: MEANWHILE...Nerd and Vet are saving blue.
Dan: Oh yeah, who cares though?
Big Michael: And B.D. WONG is like No! and then franklin steps up and sedates him.
Dan: Oh yeah and Franklin works for the lab now. He is dressed up like a lab guy for some reason and we just say, okay.
Big Michael: Then Blue is used as a weapon against the guards, and then there's a gas leak and Blue smells the gas and immediately knows what it is and bolts: "I gotta scram!"
Dan: It's all so pointless. Yes there is a gas leak that explodes and then another gas leak that is poison?
Big Michael: Who cares. Who fucking cares.
Dan: The scene where blue runs away from the gas leak explosion made my jaw drop. It was like a Roadrunner outtake.
Big Michael: We could be having a dino horror movie in a mansion! ARRGHHH! So then...what? Oh yeah, that's when Army Man Frowners goes INTO THE SUPER DINO CAGE.
Dan: Okay yes great, the auction is evacuated. This is all truly truly pointless. As the crowd evacuates, Teeth Frownman walks into the building instead and says, to no one: "I want my bonus!"
Then decides to go into the cage.
Big Michael: These are scary vicious dinos! Insane. He goes in for a TOOTH!
You want a tooth? You can't handle the tooth!
Dan: (Before he typed this line, Michael said, “wait, I got it!”)
Big Michael: And now he's dead and it's a big hide and seek game in the mansion from the scary dino.
Dan: Yes some relatively good news: we finally have A Dinosaur Loose In The Mansion.
Big Michael: But I hate how this is all shot, because there is no sense of space and everything is dark and chaotic and close up.
Dan: By the way this mansion is: A bedroom in the attic. 3 floors of Natural History Museum. A basement lab from Resident Evil filled with dinosaurs.
Big Michael: We never get a good long take where there's a dino in the background stalking or anything dynamic.
Dan: Everything is very dark and the volume of the space is confusing and hard to follow. I agree with you.
Big Michael: Bad.
Dan: There is a decent shot. When the humans are...hiding inside a diorama.
Big Michael: Oh when the lights turn on? Yeah that was good.
Dan: The lights come on and the girl is screaming and the dino mouth is overlayed on top of hers in the reflection.
Big Michael: Yes that was cool. Not scary, but at least interesting.
Dan: Well everyone runs around for the next 15-20 minutes. The super dino opens doors and windows and climbs shit.
Big Michael: And the little girl.....goes to bed?
Dan: Yes she climbs into bed and hides. But Chris Pratt shows up to save her with a gun.
Big Michael: And it doesn't work. And then Blue shows up to save him with her brain. But it doesn't work
Dan: This is the part of the movie that I think was one of the biggest letdowns.
Big Michael: Yeah I agree. I have said it before...dinos shouldn't be characters, and they shouldn't be good guys.
Dan: They make such a big deal about how Blue is the key to all future dino weapons. She has been trained to obey human commands. She can imprint on future dinos and guide them to be obedient as well. Super dino will follow her lead.
Then they don't do this in the movie. Ever.
They just fight.
That happens and then Super Dino has Chris and Girl trapped on a roof somewhere.
Big Michael: Yeah it felt like there were no stakes, and that there were no rules, and fuck me. Can I swear on this podcast?
Dan: BDH also steals a gun and this time she uses it to...put a laser light on Chris Pratt?
Big Michael: WHY?
Dan: No idea.
Big Michael: If Dino loves the laser....point it at a grave.
Dan: This plan makes no sense and in fact it seems to me it is worse than doing nothing.
Big Michael: WAY WORSE. Right? like make him jump off the roof. You are MAKING it attack the hero of the movie!
Dan: Point it at a dang wheat thresher.
Point it into a volcano.
Point it at my mother in law!
Big Michael: HEY NOW! But chris knows that this means it's time to do the Cha Cha slide at the last second.
Dan: Yeal anyway the super dino jumps at Chris who dodges and instead it just falls through the roof. Then it climbs up again. And Blue jumps in outta nowhere and surfs his ass.
Great, dino fall, dino die. Moving on.
Big Michael: Wait. Real quick. The dinos fall in slow motion, bodies writhing and twisting together, like ballerinas in space.
Dan: Oh yeah it's ballet.
Big Michael: And it's so fucking dumb and ugly.
Dan: Like ballet.
Big Michael: And dino dies on top of Triceratops skeleton horns, to which I was like "Was this set up at all?"
But it wasn't. Would have be smart to put something in Act One,
Dan: Like what?
Big Michael: "Hey careful around those horns! those are sharp!" or have a dino fight a Tri Top on volcano island and say "Don't underestimate that herbivore!
Dan: Oh sure or like, “The only thing that super dino is afraid of, is dying.”
Big Michael: Right exactly good.
Dan: Maybe have Little Girl say to Cromwell "Grandpapa, why do dinosaurs kill each other?"
And he can say, "Because they are horny." and then wink.
Big Michael: And so they all go to poison control center to let all the dinosaurs out of their cages. And now the dinos are still dying but they don't have any privacy. It’s a meat pile.
Dan: Oh Michael it’s dumb. All the cages are opened and these big nerd lizards just mill around.
Big Michael: The worst CGI.
Dan: They don't fight each other they just walk around in the basement. Keep in mind, the entire rest of the movie has dinosaurs fighting each other at all times for no reason.
Big Michael: And then BDH is like "I gotta release them" and almost hits the big red button that will open the door, and then she....doesn't. And it's like...okay! good! You grew, you learned a lesson. We made a sacrifice for the greater good. And then Mazer hits the button.
Dan: Who is Mazer?
Big Michael: Mazer is a clone of her mother, the reveal of which is supposed to be shocking.
Dan:Oh that's true. Mazer the girl opens the door to the outside and says: "they are alive. like me."
Big Michael: She frees the dinos and says "I had to...they're alive, like me." Which I hate. It doesn't carry any weight or implications.
Dan: The twist is that she is alive. The whole time.
Great now the dinos run wild and kill Goug.
Big Michael: Yes they all walk away and Goug gets eaten by a T-Rex.
Dan: Specifically, the T-rex kills Goug and does another Glamour Shot.
Big Michael: Oh and the T-Rex fights with the other Horny Dino for some reason?
Dan: Who cares. The movie ends now right? Or do we see Jeff Goldblum testify to congress again for some reason?
Big Michael: Well there's a montage of what the future will hold now that dinosaurs are loose.
Dan: I love this part. So dumb.We see all the dinos loose in the world.
A surfer gets eated by Fishagator.
Big Michael: T-Rex yells at a lion, lion yells back.
Blue is on a hill and looks out at....I want to say Phoenix, AZ?
Dan:I wanted to see a shot of a spaceship taking off at Cape Canaveral and we zoom in and see a Stegosaurus hugging the side.
Big Michael: That would be lovely.
Dan: Show me Bone Head in a bullring in Spain and he smashes a dang bulls brains off.
Big Michael: And then the movie ends! And I feel nothing.
Dan: Yes then it ends. Truly what a mess. Oh yeah Franklin spends the whole movie talking about how scared he is of T-Rex. The whole movie. He never ends up encountering a T-Rex. It is so confusing.
Big Michael: But also....there are so many dinos WHO CARES ABOUT THE T REX? It's hard to know what is what. It annoys me that they intro all these dinos and none of them have any weight.
in the original, it's mostly herbivores and it’s beautiful and then there is BIG T-REX and raptors and they are very clear threats. We know them when they see them.
Dan: Of course. It's the difference between Alien and Aliens 3.
Big Michael: Never seen Aliens 3. What is it?
Dan: Intimate familiarity with the "monster" vs many much more monsters, monsters that fly, a bug version, what if there was a alien with 6 legs, how about a cat version, etc.
Big Michael: How could that be bad? Yeah I hated this. So bloated. So unorganized. BDH is not compelling. Pratt is fun but not used well. The two nerds suck. Mazer is a robot
Dan: The most egregious thing to me is that It doesn't even pay off its own dumb setups.
Big Michael: Yeah. This felt very re-cut.
Dan: Yeah, I just don't know. I think the biggest indictment was the 11 year old boy WEARING A DINOSAUR HEAD who kept sighing.
Big Michael: It seems simple to me: get a scary dinosaur and put it in an interesting place and watch the people try to escape.
Dan: Pitch me your Jurassic Planet movie. Go.
Jurassic Planet is my movie universe that takes place after this one. Dinosaurs are loose everywhere but not everyone knows about it yet. These are micro stories in this macro world. Example: 3 Horn Goes to Camp: A Jurassic Planet Story
Big Michael: Okay here you go. This is a micro focused movie. It's about a group of teens in a suburban town who are outsiders and get picked on a lot. It's summer vacation and it’s all cul-du-sacs and shit. They all hang out at their parents house while their parents are on vacation, and a raptor shows up.
Eats one friend who is smoking weed in the backyard and the kids are like FUCK! What do we do? They are like "Let's go to the school!” “We can hide in the school!” They make it there and are like "this wasn't a good idea,” and then the raptor chases them around the school.
Dan: "We're gonna need a bigger school."
Big Michael: And then they team up with the jocks and defeat it.
Dan: Love it, what is it called?
Big Michael: It’s called “Dino Summer”.
Dan: I have an idea for mine. Mine is a buddy cop thriller. A Cleveland PD Officer loses his partner, a K-9 Unit named Boner to a gang related shooting.
He is ready to commit suicide from losing his best friend.
Big Michael: WEAPONIZE IT.
Dan: He sits in his shed, ready to end it all when he hears a knock on the door. The knock turns into a POUND.
Big Michael: Uh Ohhhh.
Dan: Right before he can pull the trigger, Bone Head bonks his face through the wall. Anyway they team up and defeat the gang and it's good propaganda for cops so it will play in the heartland.
It's called: “Boner Junior.”
Big Michael: Love it. 200 million.
Dan: Great! We made it through everything that happens in this insane movie. Anything we missed? Any thoughts you want to add before we get to the closing questions?
Big Michael: NO. END THIS. KILL ME. I MISS BONER,
Dan: Terrific. Question 1: What are your three favorite things about this movie?
Big Michael: I like glimpse of dinos in the dark.
I like when long neck explode.
I like the dino yelling at the lion.
Dan: For me:
1) I love Bone Head Dino. He is the breakout star for sure. Give him more lines in the next one.
2) Franklin is so bad that it makes Vet lady look great, both as a character and an actor. Good for Vet lady.
3) I like the idea that Mazer is the first human clone and now she is...a ward of the state? who gets her? The movie never addresses this but okay!
Next question: If you could change one thing about this movie what would it be? This can be a new character, a change to a character, a new scene, anything you like.
Big Michael: Okay so....Chris and BDH don't escape the island, and they have like 2 days until it fully explodes.
Dan: Go on.
Big Michael: So the Second Act is them trying to escape, trying to avoid dinos and trying to avoid lava.
Dan: Honestly yes. Give me Castaway: Dinotopia Edition.
Big Michael: The Third Act is return to land and stop bad guys. Or fuck it, the bad guys get the dinos on the boat and then the Fishagator sinks the boat so everyone is dead but them and they are just trying to get home.
Dan: Yes give Fishagator more lines.
I would add a scene at the auction where Truman Capote says, "And now something for our more...discerning clients..." And they wheel out a cage with a sexy dinosaur in makeup.
Big Michael: Yes and it does a dance.
Dan: And B.D. Wong gets on the mic and says, “We have made her genetically superior to all of god's creatures. she was designed from the ground up to be irresistible to men. the pheromones of a T-Rex combined with the immortal youth of a jelly-fish."
Bidding starts at $150.
Big Michael: For an hour.
Dan: Okay, last question! If you could rename this movie, what would you call it?
Big Michael: Jurassic World: We Should Kill Them All or Dinos must Die.
Dan: I'd go with: Must Love Dinos or Chris Versus the Volcano.
Big Michael: Great.
Dan: Well Michael, I know you have to get started on planning Jimmy's funeral. Any last words for our fans?
Big Michael: Yeah this would be a lot better as a recorded audio podcast. In every way. And I will die on this hill.
Dan: Same. And remember: I WANT MY BONUS!
Big Michael: BONE HEAAAAAAD! I want your badge and gun on my desk NOW!
Like what you read? Please consider supporting the podcast by subscribing.
Michael Wolf is a writer and director living in Brooklyn. You can see his recent sketch series' "UpNext" and "Someone's In Here" on ComedyCentral.com and you can see his sketch show OSFUG at the Knitting Factory on July 10th.