Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing!
Taylor and I had been preparing for a few weeks. We heard about this movie called Dark Crimes. Did you know about this movie called Dark Crimes? Not a lot of people do. It is a Polish True Crime Thriller starring Jim Carrey. It had a big old Zero on Rotten Tomatoes and an understandably tiny release. There was a single theater in New York that was brave enough to screen it, and so we went. Off to Cinema Village on 12th st and Broadway for a day that will live in infamy. After the curtain call, we walked to Joe Coffee on 8th St and University Place in an attempt to realign ourselves with reality. Taylor and I both got a large cold brew and it mostly dripped out of our slack-hung jaws for a few hours as we typed to each other.
Dan: Hi Taylor! Thank you so much for joining me today on Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. I think the weather has finally decided to turn nice, just in time for Spring to fully blossom! I guess before we get started I have one question for you: Do you talk to your neighbors?
Taylor: Sort of! I mostly make them listen to books on tape I find at crime scenes. And the occasional nod and "hey" of course.
Dan: Well then I guess the movie Dark Crimes has nothing to teach you. Actually, I don't want to project or jump to conclusions. Did you learn anything from this movie?
And you can't say, "I learned that the next time Jim Carrey agrees to do a Polish true crime thriller...SOMEBODY STOP HIM!" Because that's mine.
Taylor: Yes! Dark Crimes taught me that, you know, there really can be a dark side to sexuality. This film was not afraid to address that. Also, I learned that my phone autocorrects "Gainsbourg" to "gainsPUBG" so I'll be writing about our female lead in that manner going forward.
Dan: Be sure to catch us streaming gainsPUBG live on Twitch tonight! Those are both good points. For me, and don't be mad Taylor, but I didn't get it when I first saw the poster but after the film, yeah, those were some pretty Dark Crimes.
Taylor: Everything in this film is its name. Nothing is anything other than what it appears to be. The map is the territory. I've never seen a work of art that had so little distance between the text and the subtext. Borges should write story about a Basque semiotics scholar who sees this movie and then eats a whole reel of celluloid film. Oh wait, just googled it, he's dead. Nevermind that last part.
There's more "going on" in A Bee Movie.
Dan: The movie Dark Crimes dares to ask the question: Can evil be bad? And it dares to answer: yes. But only if you watch closely.
Taylor: The only grey area in this movie is every visual aspect of every single moment. It was like staring at a fish's stomach for ten hours.
But hey not only was it visually bland and unbelievably shallow, it also felt very long! I was genuinely surprised to discover how much time has passed when we left the theater. I thought when we exited we'd look at each other and just see skeletons with big long beards.
Dan: I guess the easiest way to describe this movie, and you can interpolate everything else from this, is that it opens with shots of a Salò-esque sex dungeon replete with powerful black-clothed men killing and raping nameless whores and then none of the subsequent Crime work involves trying to uncover any of it or solve any of the killings.
Am I wrong about this, Taylor? Like no one in the movie cares? It's just a given that this sex club dungeon kills people and they have LOTS OF VIDEO OF IT.
Taylor: You are not wrong. When the movie began, I thought "Oh boy, this is going to be an over-the-top *8mm*esque thrill ride." Whoo boy, is it ever not.
Dan: The movie was long.
Taylor: But also, those shots of the sex dungeon were great indicators that no one making this movie knows anything about anything. The most risqué thing they showed was naked people crawling around on leashes. Are you kidding me? I've seen midwestern high schoolers' "Prom?" Insta stories that were more sexually provocative. I could do that in my office and HR wouldn't even slack me. Oh no a BLINDFOLD!? Dark, check. Crimes? Surely coming soon!
Dan: So we should mention, a lot of this movie is Jim Carrey putting tapes into tape players and watching or listening to the tapes and then the camera showing him watch or listen to the tapes. These tapes can be categorized as:ganba Videos From Sex Club or Audio Book By Rape Man.
He gets the Videos From Sex Club from the old landlord of the club who "likes to watch."
He gets the Audio Book By Rape Man from....? His...little partner friend at Police? I was confused where he got the audio book that was "NEVER PUBLISHED."
Taylor: Oh god the Audiobook. Did you feel the Audible product placement was too heavy handed?
Dan: Check out the Audacity Of Hope for free on Audible with promo code: LEASHWOMAN.
Taylor: Yeah, his Little Assistant Victor says this is the author's final book, "Never published, only download." Buddy, that's published.
Dan: I think new media works differently in Poland. It isn't as respected as it is here in America.
Taylor: And it's the author reading the book himself. "I hope no one reads this unpublished, fully produced audio book I'm uploading to my Audible account!"
Dan: "I know I may be revealing crime details that only the police or the murderer will have access to but it's on my soundcloud so only my real fans will notice."
Taylor: "Don't rat, fam."
Dan: Okay, maybe we are getting ahead of ourselves, should we start at the beginning?
Dan: Taylor, can you give me the elevator pitch for Dark Crimes?
Taylor:I resent being coerced into revisiting this movie. Okay. We're stuck in an elevator. You're Brett Ratner, P.G.A, and I'm a Polish gangster that you must owe an incredible favor to.
Dan: "Look I can't get you your heroin back but what if I got you Jim Carrey?! Please just give me a chance."
Taylor: "Mr. Ratneer, we will not tweet ze deets of your little ‘pool party’ in Krakow last winter if you agree to produce my script. It's *Irreversible* meets *Liar, Liar* and Charlotte GainsPUBG has already signed on."
Dan: However we got there, I do think Dark Crimes should be released in a box set with Brett's other 2-Word Crime classics Rush Hour and Tower Heist.
Before the movie begins, Taylor and I enter a Dark theater where Crime is in the air. There is one Man sitting by himself in the Darkness and we sit in his row for some reason.
Why did you lead us to that man Taylor? I was scared.
Taylor:I think this was either a nice normal man just looking for a private place with A/C to masturbate in, or the director of film, perhaps seeing it all the way through for the first time.
Dan: He was blurry out of the corner of my eye the whole movie and when I turned to look at him he stayed blurry somehow.
His had his hands steepled and was deep in thought.
Taylor:I did notice how slender he was but I don't think it was *the* Slenderman.
Dan: When Jim Carrey said his first Polish accent line about 10 minutes in and I laughed I panicked and thought maybe the man was Jim Carrey? Well as we mentioned the movie opens with these gnarly sex dungeon scenes.
Taylor: Barely gnarly!
Dan: Lots of security camera and long hallway shots. Full disclosure, even though it was Very Gray, there were a number of actually well shot, well framed scenes in this movie. I won't even say artistically shot, just very competent, in a way that stood out.
Taylor: Sure, sure, and no one looked into the camera and said "Are we rolling?" Two big wins.
Dan: We cut to Jim Carrey as Dean Norris as Grizzled Polish Cop who is hard at work playing with a VCR.
Did I mention that this movie loves when Jim Carrey inserts tapes into things? Hey Taylor...
Taylor: Hey Dan! Sorry I was watching an old VHS, what's up?
Dan: How many Polish Cops does it take to change a VHS tape?
Taylor: Well, if you mean honest cops in Poland, then I hope it isn't more than one, because that's how many exist.
Dan: Damn you got it. Okay so Jim is reviewing a cold case about a murder victim who was tied up. Important to note: he is not reviewing anything about the sex dungeon drug murders that we just saw. I kept waiting for it to tie back and this murder investigation turn into a larger corruption tinged scandal or something. I kept waiting for anything really.
Taylor: Nope, never. the stakes are never higher than none stakes.
Dan: We do learn that the old lead on this case is the ominous Gregor. Everyone in the movie likes to talk to Jim Carrey about Gregor!
Taylor: This movie is the opposite of over-the-top, it's under-the-bottom. Do you think that phrase will catch on?
Dan: This under-the-bottom true crime story delivers the compelling narrative of a diner menu with the non-start suspense of a diner placemat.
Taylor: Anyway, so Truman Showvovovich is hung up on an old case, and FINALLY gets a break when he discovers that a famous writer used to visit the sex dungeon where the murder supposedly took place.
Then he starts listening to the aforementioned writer's podcast. AND making his wife listen to it. Lock the gates! am I right?
Dan: Right, we should point out that the threads of the case are as follows:
At some point Jim goes to talk to the landlord of sex club, who casually mentions that lots of artists used to live there also. I don't remember how he knows to go talk to sex club landlord but too late for that we are on to the next clue.
Jim's baby-faced partner recognizes one of the names as a famous author and we get to see a...press conference...of him...talking about....what exactly?
He is like if Jordan Peterson were real.
Taylor: Oh christ almighty. If Jim Henson Workshop figured out how to put real human skin on the Jordan Peterson muppet and teach it to talk like a college sophomore iconoclast, this would be "it."
Dan: Right so this guy is big on psychosexual buzzwords and everyone in the Polish media claps for him. Jim Carrey's Baby Partner, let's call him Son of the Mask, somehow gets access to the secret deep cut audio book and they give it a listen.
Taylor how cool is this audio book?
Taylor: "Only download."
"Taylor when you dropping your new webseries."
"Never. Only download."
Dan: Hello Mr Police. You Couldn't Have Saved Her. I Gave You None of The Clues. Only Download
Taylor: This audiobook is, ummm....torture? Also it is about torturing women, sexually. Same as this movie.
Dan: There is a lot of Jim Carrey listening to this book as if he is getting some kind of insight. As you said, he makes his wife listen to it during breakfast and it's insane.
Taylor: She makes him turn it off, and I'm like, uhhh why aren't you here in this theater talking to this projectionist!
Dan: Like, we get that this movie is an example of Cop Investigates Case And It Turns Him Obsessed. But it is not a continuous process, things happen very discretely in sporadic bursts peppered throughout the script.
Especially one scene halfway through! But we'll get there.
Taylor:Making your wife listen to a misogynist podcast IS an incredible way to update the genre, though I will give them that.
Dan: Well after listening to the audio book for a while he decides to bring the author, Kozlow in for questioning.
Taylor: Yes The Grinch Stravinsky listens obsessively to this audiobook, and then hears A Big Clue when
the author mentions a kind of knot, and uh oh it's the same knot that the old dead guy from the cold case was tied up with. Jesus this is exhausting. I hate this. I can't believe the screenwriter persisted beyond this point.
(NOTE: It's a fun coincidence that this is a podcast you have to read and the movie is about a book you have to listen to.)
Dan: It is really dumb! I need to mention one other thing before we get to the FIRST of many interrogations of THE SAME GUY.
There are many scenes where Jim Carrey gets chastised by one of his many, unclear in authority, bosses about how he shouldn't mess with ‘Gregor’ and that he should stick to desk work, etc etc.
Taylor: I'm with them. They seem reasonable and are great advocates for the welfare of the audience.
Dan: I will say that following are the themes in this movie:
Don't mess with Gregor.
Jim Carrey driving past gates.
Taylor: Ace Venturashev Goes Through Door and/or Hallway.
Dan: Yes the third theme. For me I call that one Jim Carrey Goes Into Room, Looks Around, Then Leaves room.
Taylor:I cannot stress enough to our readers than there are whole long shots of exactly that. Enter. Look around briefly. Leave.
Dan: Final theme: Women Can Not Be Victims Of Crime They Can Only Do Crime.
Taylor:I honestly couldn't parse this film's POVon women. It's so banally, paint-by-numbers misogynist, that it seemed to be using that to cover up some stranger, deeper hatred or indifference. Maybe towards the entire human race?
Dan: The only thing that hates women more than Dark Crimes is the entire rest of the world. Does that help?
Taylor:We're giving it too much credit. This movie means nothing. It's a plastic grocery bag caught in a tree.
Dan: Ok well eventually they arrest Kazlow, the audio book narrator and MRA. I thought that this was a nice enough interrogation shot, but the dialogue was insane.
Taylor:And then comes, the sassiest...dumbest…
Dan: It's so sassy...so dumb…
Taylor: Interrogation I have ever seen in media. Brandond Stassy handled himself better than this. (Is that his name, the kid from making a murderer)?
Stussy? Bangan Stussy
Dan: I think Stassy is from Vanderpump Rules?
Taylor: Also a better source of intelligent dialogue than this scene. Would've loved to smarten this up with a Vanderpump or two.
Dan: Kazlow is like, "Did I murder him? What do you think?
“Am I guilty? I don't know, am I?”
“Do I want a lawyer? What do you think?”
Taylor: “I do.“
“Or do I?”
Dan: Kazlow booked with that smirk for sure.
Taylor: I heard he improvised it.
Dan: This interrogation goes on for a long time and we get a lovely polygraph test scene. They ask him like 3 basic questions and then "Did you kill the guy?" He says NO and the administrator giving the test turns to Jim Carrey and shakes his head NO. WELP! Back to the drawing board!
Well while they have Kazlow in confinement, Jim drives around and visits some other characters. Taylor did you forget about Jim’s Mom?
Taylor:U G H. Yes.
Dan: That's weird. She was such a big part of this movie.
Taylor: She has one line. She grips his arm and wheezes, "DON’T LET ME DIE ALONE." This is literally true.
Dan: Yes, he visits her one time early in the movie and makes her soup. She says 'PROMISE ME YOU WON'T LET ME DIE ALONE." He says I promise and then he sits in a chair next to a framed picture of himself as Fire Marshall Bill.
Taylor: That was AMAZING. So, there are two framed photographs on the end table between Venturavich and his mommy. One is him in a polish policeman's coat, and the other is a picture of actually young actual Jim Carrey smiling and goofin around! Getting ready to go on at the comedy store probably. It's the only time a person smiles in the film.
Dan: There are lots of smirks, but just one smile. During these 48 hours of confinement,Jim also visits Kazlow's girlfriend, played by gainsPUBG. He is really...mean to her?
Taylor: Charlotte GainsPUBG, fire your manager. Today.
Dan: I guess she is under suspicion so that's fair but he goes into her house while she is braiding her daughter's hair and asks her if Kazlow hurts her? Scares her sexually? Etc. I guess this is our first sign that things are getting to him? You can only watch so many security videos of girls in leashes before you just lose yourself in the music.
Taylor: NOT great with kids, this one. Uhh Captain Kangaroo he AIN’T.
Hey Gabba Gabba? More like Hey Stop Talking About Sexual Assault in Front of My Twelve Year Old Daughter.
Dan: Veggietales more like Vaggie Tales? Not in front of my kid, please!
Oh also he has a wife and kid that never do anything other than slowly distance themselves from him throughout. Okay so after the Polish Constitution Mandated 48 hour confinement period, Kazlow is released.
Taylor: He mentions a specific article of the Polish constitution eight times. And that's great because that's exactly what this movie needed, a real quick civics lesson. Is this the point where Cat in the Hatchezch has a fit in the bathroom? Because it was an OBVIOUS homage to *Liar, Liar*.
Dan: Oh hell yeah. This is a good time to pause and reflect on Jim Carrey. End of the first act.
Taylor: Must we?
Dan: Yeah I think so. The main thing I thought during this movie was: “No one should ever be allowed to be as famous as Jim Carrey was.”
It is not good for us and it is not good for them.
Taylor: Yes, I actually thought that too. It's a terrible thing we do to people, extreme wealth and fame. It really ruins a person. And it costs so much! Our society has spent a lot of money making Jim Carrey this way. And is that really a good use of our resources?
Dan: We need to devote more research to sustainable, renewable celebrity.
But at the same time, I decided that it would be REALLY funny if I walked out of the theatre and waved my hand over my nose like a fart and said "do NOT go in there!"
And that wouldn't work unless everyone in the world knew that line. So maybe it evens out?
Taylor: Yes, great, you claimed both that and the "somebody stop him" line.
Dan: There are still some left for you.
Taylor: Those are the top two and you know it.
Dan: Let's get them all out of our system before we go on.
Taylor: [Memorable line from the film *Yes Man*]
Wait, I just realized that the Cat in the Hat was Mike Myers, not Jim Carrey. Two nice canadian idiots ruined by fame.
Dan: True, but I liked when Jim asks his wife in this movie, "Do I make you horny, baby?"
Taylor: Oh wait I got one. "Hey look it's me, owner of The Majestic!"
Dan: “Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?” <turns on audio book>
Okay back to work?
Taylor: We must. So the suspicious author gets released and tells gathered journalists outside the police station that he was abused and coerced.
Dan: Full disclosure: I actually....liked this scene!
Dan: I thought, oh that's interesting. Yeah of course. Let's see Jim get caught up in this corruption! He shouldn't have "messed with Gregor." Note that at this point in the film we still don’t know who or what Gregor is.
Taylor: "Who's messing with Gregor now, policeman!?" is a line that would've been okay here no matter what anything means.
Dan: Here are some actual lines I wrote down from this movie, told to Jim Carrey by other Police people:
"We all know Gregor's dirty!"
"You're the last honest cop in Poland!"
"You tried to play Gregor's game!"
"You should never have tried to play Gregor's game!"
Taylor: Gregor's game, incidentally, is Marble Madness for the NES. Weird detail that I kind of liked. VERY hard game. So it made sense to me.
Dan: ♫ Gregor's Game, is an easy game to play ♫
Okay so after Krazlow? Kazlow? Whatever his name is, does Jim dirty outside the police station, the investigation must go on. Jim Carrey tells one of his many bosses that Krazlow is lying and so that problem is resolved instantly.
Taylor: There are no consequences or further developments whatsoever regarding anything he says on the steps to the journalists. Obviously these people have not seen The Post and therefore do not understand how important journalism is.
Dan: ‘Democracy Dies in Dark Crimeness.’
It's wild how little conspiracy or grand plotting there is in this movie. There is a growing sense that, in playing Gregor's Game, Jim Carrey will be setting himself up to get framed or involved in things beyond his pay grade.
Did you feel this at all or am I just getting Too Close To This Case?
Taylor: The movie certainly wants you to feel as if Jim Carreysk is the moth dancing too close to the flame of Gregor's Game. But it's somehow less interesting or dramatic than watching an actual moth circle an actual flame.
If I made you watch that would think I was dark and twisted? Dan come to my house and watch this bug die.
Dan: Put a leash on that moth and we'll talk.
Taylor: I couldn't! That's over the line! I can't even CONCEIVE of something so depraved as that, a sexual kink that's in the daytime promos for HBO's Real Sex.
Dan: Okay so the...investigation...into...some guy's death...continues! Jim Goes back to Krazlow. One of Jim Carrey's other bosses, who we will call Smiles Baldman, gives him a suitcase with audio recording equipment and tells him: This is off the record and you're on your own pal! Don't mess with Gregor!
Jim takes the talkboy to Krazlow's girlfriend's house and gets ready to snoop.
Taylor: This movie is dissolving in my mind like one of those grey blob fish from the deep ocean that just turns into slime when you bring it to the surface. Did we even see a movie? There's no evidence either way.
Dan: Destroy the tapes.
Taylor: The good news is that this is one of the best Jim In A Hallway And Rooms scenes. At this point we are TREATED to some silent shots of Jim unhurriedly....being....in a series of grey rooms and doorways.
And then it is revealed, that uh oh it's GainsPUBG's apartment, and she's coming home. What's this? Oh no! Her boyfriend, Krakslow the author is with her. Jim Carrey hides behind a closet door and we see the scene play out in a sort of ad hoc splitscreen with their convo/fight/frog-sex scene in the background.
The big reveal here, that Sneakful Jim overhears, is that it's actually GainsPUBG who had been feeding Krazlow his stories! That about covers it.
And I believe it's called "Lotus Position."
Taylor: Right, lotus position. I didn't catch this, because I was trying to think of what Charlotte PUBG reminded me of in this scene. Every pale, elongated zombie in a Netflix found footage horror movie.
Dan: Yeah it was very spooky! This is when Slenderman was def slendering one out 3 seats away from us.
Taylor: I got spooked!
Dan: But the main takeaways for this scene are:
1) GainsPUBG used to work at Sex Dungeon from the opening footage
2) Jim Carrey doesn't care about this clue
Taylor: No, no no. The MAIN takeaway, revealed in a reverse shot on Carrey, is that Jimmy wasn't in a closet but was watching them from behind a regular door that was near an exit and he could have left at any time. I know he's watching them to solve a mystery but still, it made me laugh loud enough so that Slenderman looked at me.
Dan: I forgot about that. Yes at the end of the scene he just walks off camera towards what was up until then implied to be the back of a closet.
Taylor: It could have been a bit from Naked Gun or Top Secret, but nope it's in this movie instead. Exunt stage door for Jimmy C.
Dan: Great. We cut to a generic Gregor warning from Jim's Female Boss and then I forget what happens.
Taylor: Is this where one of his bosses tells him that he's the "Last honest cop in Poland"?
Dan: Not yet.
Taylor: Dang. Can't wait. Who cares. Cut back to Jim's house with his terse, podcast hating wife. And THANK GOD, Claire De Lune is playing in the background. Hearing Claire De Lune was like someone came in and handed out wet towelettes.
Dan: With their butt.
Oh yeah the other major theme of this movie is: Car Drives By Then *Beat* Then Another, Tail Car, Drives By, Unbeknownst To The First Car. And so we find out that someone follows Jim home and is going to interrupt dinner.
Taylor: Which is bullshit. How in the world can ANYONE in this country recognize one specific car? "Same car was there as yesterday."
Dan: KRF 0143, is Jim's license plate. I did not write that down.
Taylor: Oh really? A black Peugeot with a license plate long enough to be a Very Strong password? Lemme guess who's driving...a white guy in a black suit where the shirt is also black? Balding, with features that are somehow both haggard and swollenly round? That's the symbol on the Polish flag.
Dan: We should also mention that periodically the movie will just show more footage from Sex Dungeon? And just play more audio from Sex Dungeon The Audio Book.
Taylor: Okay look. These things do not exist. This is not whatbsex dungons are like.
Dan: The Sex Dungeon is called The Cage by the way.
Taylor: In reality they're either moist mattress-floored basements full of middle aged pudgy swingers rotating into a circle jerk from the seafood buffet or they're consent-minded sex nerds with steampunk goggles and VIP convention passes.
Dan: So what you're saying is...the only person who would be in one...is...a “Lahooo-Zaherrrrr.”
Taylor: The closest thing to this Sophisticated Rich Men sex dungeon is Donald Trump on Jeffrey Epstein's plane dragging his long tie through a glob of McDonald’s honey mustard while he leans in to ask a private high school junior if she's ever been to a real casino.
Dan: Do you think Brett Ratner consulted?
Taylor: As little as the blackmail arrangement allowed.
Dan: Oh yeah so back at dinner, there is a knock at the door. Who could it be but Charlotte GainsPUBG and her daughter, fearful for their lives that someone has possibly invaded their home.
Mrs. Carrey gives an ultimatum: Jim if you do one more Dark Crime I am outta here!
Taylor: Jim pauses… and then, dang dog, he dark crimes right in front of her. Dosvedayna, Felicia. That’s Russian and they’re in Poland, don't @ me.
Can we PLEASE hurry up and get to the next, pivotal scene?
Dan: Yes yes fine. Jim drives PUBG and daughter back to spawn and watches mom tuck her in to bed.
Taylor: This is the scene that made us physically grip each other like we were members of a church youth group going through the dark parts of a Hell House.
Dan: I'm sorry that you were wearing shorts because i got a whole coconut full of knee meat in my sweaty claws. Mom is wearing a giant slinky black sweater in this and all scenes and she exposes her shoulders a bit. Seductively...?
Taylor: I NEEDED to know I wasn't alone.
Dan: She closes the big...double doors...of her daughter's bedroom.
Taylor: And then "does" a....pulsing..."sexy"...lean? Again, Ms. GainsPUBG, fire your manager now.
Dan: I just need to rip the band-aid off here. She gets fully naked, then slows down a little, then Jim gets up and kisses her HARD. It was a SHOCK. It made no sense, was unearned, and spooky as hell.
Taylor: And then…
Dan: Smash cut to:
Taylor: A what, minute long?, take of Jim Carrey Dark Criming Charlotte PUBG's Finkle and Einhorn to full on climax.
Dan: Riddle me this, riddle me that, why was that scene so long?
He also full on slaps her face in a bad way three times. This is how the movie shows that He Is Too Close To The Case (?)
Taylor: I hope that this long take of JC doing it becomes a meme, and we can say that we saw it in theaters.
Dan: Honestly, let's gif it.
Taylor: It screams out for it.
Dan: "Somebody Gif me!"
This is the most important scene in the movie, agree?
Dan: This is the point of no return for our doomed hero. (us. we are the hero and we are doomed)
Taylor: I wasn't kidding earlier when I suggested this film is a cross between Liar, Liar and Irreversible. He's honest to a fault, and the film pivots on a central, unbearably long, act of sexual horror. From here on out it's really a different movie
Did you notice that JC's haircut and accent changed? Reshoots most likely, but they must have hired Colin Farrell as his dialect coach cause he sounds like a bartender in Galway.
Dan: When I try to think about what he sounded like in this movie I am certainly thinking of a IRA informant, yes.
Taylor: The Dark Criming Game.
Dan: Ok so after the Fun With Dick and Jane, we head back to the Police Station for another...interrogation of the same guy. Krazlow shows up again and this time he has something to confess!
Taylor: He confesses to the murder!
Dan: He says that, yes, he killed whatshisname!
Taylor: In the words of Dave Matthews, he says "I did it!" Remember that song?
Dan: Guilty as charged! But then in the words of OJ, he changes his tune a little to “If I Did It”....and refuses to sign a confession.
Taylor: Yes and then it turns out he, in his own words, might be "under the table and dreaming" because he acts like the water Jim gave him is drugged, and then he accuses JC of raping PUBG!
I didn't know what to think here. What were you feeling at this point in the movie?
Dan: Yeah he takes a hard turn and implies he is going to further blackmail Jim! This interrogation was all a clever ruse!
Taylor: I hate this movie.
Dan: I was feeling that, okay cool, this movie is DEFINITELY going to now really stick it to Jim for playing Gregor's Game. He is going to get blackmailed hard and get caught up in a web of corruption. (We still don't know who or what Gregor is)
Taylor: Could be a big cat, we don't know.
Dan: Well, that is what I was feeling.
Taylor: Yeah, for sure, now he must face the consequences. But was THIS actually the moment where his boy boss called him the "last honest cop in Poland?"
Dan: Hell yeah. Smiles Baldman calls him into his office and says all the dumbest shit ever in a row. I take it back, this is the most important scene in the movie.
Taylor: Let's do a bit of roleplay: I'll be Lloyd Chirstmasich and you be my cop boss. Now tell me that I'm the last honest cop.
Dan: Great. Thanks for coming in today Jim, please take a seat.
Taylor: [looks around room silently for a minute. Sits]
Dan: We all know Gregor's dirty! You're the last honest cop in Poland! You tried to play Gregor's Game! Planting those drugs on Krazlow's parents. You're history! You shouldn't have played Gregor's Game, he is better at it! This is the new Poland. You're old Poland! You're the last honest cop in Poland!
Taylor: Wait a minute? You, a cop, believe I am the last honest cop in Poland? Simple deduction would tell me that you therefore, are NOT an honest cop. This is heretofore unknown information and going forward I will make sure to not trust you. Surely, having been told this directly by you, I will not be surprised should you betray me or demonstrate any sort of malfeasance or corruption.
[then I do this]
Dan: In Smiles Baldman's defense, he doesn't actually do anything that bad later on even though the movie acts like he does. But we'll get to that. Like, the only bad thing he does is yell at Jim Carrey and say a great line.
Taylor: Everyone in this movie is the guy with a Scarface poster who talks like they're a notable powerful badass, but really just works a dumb retail job and watches MMA and Let's Play youtubes. Lots of talk. Not a lot of actual Dark Crimes.
Dan: Gregor's Game is Fortnite.
Taylor: I counted two crimes in this movie. Which is ONE enough to justify the plural title.
Dan: After the...pep...talk? from his....boss? Jim heads back out to visit the woman he just had sex at in order to yell at her. He is a fully Dark Criminal at this point and he really starts being mean to her. He demands answers! He shoves her around in her tiny sweater and tiny bones!
Taylor: If you thought Dark Crimes was the kind of movie where the good guys are nice to the woman objects, you were deeply, darkly wrong.
Dan: This is the only scene in the movie where the movie sort of addresses that none of the actual sex dungeon crimes from the beginning have been mentioned. Sort of. PUBG says something to the effect of “they used to be really bad to the girls at Sex Dungeon, nothing was depraved enough.” That’s it.
Anyway, Jim Carrey has her sign a paper saying that yes Krazlow really is a bad dude.
Taylor: And boom, he's got it.
Dan: That's it right? That's his smoking gun. He now has enough to finally bring Krazlow down! A coerced attestation by an abused rape victim.
Taylor: Yep, not an actual gun, which would MAYBE cause a sense of danger and excitement, but some paperwork. It's like The Long Goodbye set in the world of Kafka's The Castle.
Dan: Okay! Time for Interrogation Of The Same Guy Part 3. This time with a lawyer! And the table is angled different!
Taylor: The lawyer says and does nothing. Yeesh. Public attorney, you think?
Dan: He really just sits there and I found myself watching his face while Jim and Krazlow threatened each other in this very long scene. He looks back and forth at them while they talk. Good business with his face.
It is during this interrogation that Jim lets Krazlow know that PUBG ratted him out.
Taylor: Oof, we see it affect him. I think he says "Oof, this affects me."
Dan: It reminded me of the moment in Futurama, after Fry's now unfrozen year-2000 girlfriend Michelle says: "My mother always said you were a loser, Fry! Now go out there and prove her wrong!"
Fry, dejected, replies: "Beth said that?"
Taylor: I wish we had watched Futurama instead.
Dan: Krazlow gets sad and says something to the effect of "I guess that's the story." That's also what I felt and said to this movie, now and other times.
Taylor: And then BOOM, he's got him. He exits triumphant and we see him also arresting, what’s this, Gregor too!!?!?! And also he sexually assaults PUBG on a big table. Charlotte, good god, fire your fucking manager.
Dan: Yeah he also, somehow, arrests Gregor! Who we need to mention, did show up in some other scene a few minutes before this, waiting in Jim's car. That was a good one too! He just rambles about capitalism and communism and how be careful or <slitting throat motion> then laughing then some more rambling threats and then he leaves.
Did you realize that was Gregor?
Taylor: Tough Guy Non Sequitor Markov Chain should win a Golden Globe for this screenplay. Yes. He looked like a "Gregor" to me.
Dan: The only other times we see Gregor are: in the very opening Sex Dungeon scenes, on TV talking about he he closed down this old murder case, and also raping PUBG.
Taylor: White guy, thinning hair, black suit with also black shirt, features haggard but also swollen. That's a Gregor!
Dan: ♫ When the film takes your time like a dark polish crime - that's a-Gregor! ♫
Taylor: So the movie is over. All Dark Crimers are in the polish hoosegow. Now Dan, at this point I was feeling some contradictory things.
Dan: I was ready for the movie to end here, yes. I thought to myself: Wow, what an insane way for this movie to end! Very anticlimactic. What were you thinking?
Taylor: Me too. I was glad that it was over, puzzled and angry that this was the movie. But then. Little Assistant Victor comes back.
Dan: Oh yeah this made no sense!
Taylor: It didn't! It made none sense!
Dan: Son of the Mask shows up with a newspaper and hands it to Jim. Jim reads it and then barfs.
Oh wait wait wait. Before this there is a big press conference where Smiles Baldman announces that the case is closed and Gregor has retired from, by the way Gregor is the police chief, being police chief.
After this press conference, Son of Mask gives Jim the newspaper. And Jim barfs.
Taylor: Yeah yeah whatever, then Grincho reads the papey and shit goes to hell. He runs to the prison and confronts Krashlow. Honest Policeman Jim Carrey says "You didn't kill him! I know you're innocent. You were out of town when the murder happened." (Turns out, Jim Carrey is an honest cop, but also a very very bad one. He is good at being honest, bad at being cop. Whoops!)
But the Polish Jonathan Franzen says "Well, I threw the body in the river and rivers have endings and beginnings."
Dan: Yeah I guess the newspaper had a front page headline that said "Pick Up Artist and Social Darwinist Headlines Lisbon Book Festiva During Time Of Murder" or something.
Taylor: So, did he do it or what? We, the audience don't know, or care.
Dan: I don't know what that newspaper could have said that makes it all click but that’s ok because we are never shown it!
The river line was POWERFUL. But you are right, we do not know or care whether he did or did not do the murder or any other act. Next stop for the manic Cable Guy is...an office! He is banging on doors and opening doors and getting yelled at by the receptionist that he "can't do that!" What did you think was going on in this scene at first?
Taylor: Again with the doors! If there was a supercut of doors and hallways in this movie it would just be this movie, unedited, exactly as we saw it today. I think I was google "marble madness" at this point.
Dan: Weird I was thinking about Snake Rattle n Roll
Taylor: But then, we enter my favorite scene. Cable Guy-van (like Ivan but with the movie name in it) enters what appears to be a Virgin Atlantic airport lounge, and Smiley Baldman, his boy boss, is there, nearly naked, and we see it's a Tanning Lounge.
Dan: Yeah he is barging around this tropical office and then he walks in on Smiles in full tanning gear.
Taylor: They call them lounges in Poland.
Dan: This scene was great.
Taylor: Then we get our full Third Man denouement.
Dan: Jim tells Smiles that they "got the wrong guy!" but Smiles doesn't care. In fact, he not only doesn't care, but he also gets mad at Jim for caring. He yells and yells and gets angry and crazy and then after the whole thing is over he says, and I quote: "I'm the chief of police now! Now fuck off out of my sunshine!"
By the way Smiles is chief of police now.
Taylor: And he was the one who set this whole frame job up, so he could replace Gregor.
Dan: Fuck Off Out Of My Sunshine is a Len B-side by the way.
Taylor: That was Len's Chris Gaines alter ego, right? Loved when "they" hosted SNL.
Dan: I was confused about the set up. What exactly did Smiles orchestrate to bring down Gregor? Please help.
Taylor: I know it's really confusing, but if you pay attention, it's simple, Dan. "You" play a "marble," and the directional pad suggests where the marble might go, and you're supposed to roll around the board and fall through the good holes but not the bad holes. Simple to learn, a lifetime to master.
Now Dan, what character in this film have we not seen for awhile? Miss anyone?
Dan: Hmm great question. Let's see.
Taylor: Notice anyone that hasn't been mentioned recently?
Dan: We know what Jim Carrey is up to. Not doing great if I say so myself. He just raped a rape victim. Got a bad dude promoted. Barfed.
Taylor: Havin' a Summah.
Dan: I would say I would like to either check in on the Landlord who used to rent out the Sex Dungeon but then never questioned again or...Jim Carrey's Mom?
Taylor: Whoops! Det. James Carrey realizes he forgot to feed his Mom and her litter box is probably super full so he runs back to her place, and oh...oh no...oh god. The only things anyone has asked him to do in this movie are :
1) Turn off your podcast
2) Don't let me die alone
So he's battin' a tight .500.
Dan: Oh dear. We get a long reaction shot of Jim collapsing on the floor and crying before we get to see what he is so upset about. It turns out that yes, his mom died on the floor. Maybe he really did Get Too Close To This Case? Does anything else happen in this movie before the last pointless scene?
Taylor: Who. Cares. Dan.
Dan: Okay great so we can finally get to the big climax that happens abruptly and is dumb and then the movie ends. We get another lovely shot of a car driving and another car following close behind but secretly.
Charlotte PUBG gets out of the first car and walks into a big barn. Jim gets out of the tail car and knocks on the door of the big barn. Please let me in, he says! We need to talk, he says!
PUBG lets him in and it turns out that this big barn is...sex dungeon? We recognize a lot of the doors and hallways from those iconic Sex Dungeon home videos.
Taylor: At this point I was YEARNING for the film to be over.
Dan: Jim says look, we need to talk, why don't you pour me a glass of poison and tell me what really happened.
Taylor: Big mistake on his part it turns out.
Dan: She, ever the gracious host, obliges. It turns out she was the one who killed cold case whatshisname and Krazlow was in love with her and covered it up. Also nothing will get in the way of her and her family including you Jim, so sorry. She gets up and we see that Jim is now passed out on the couch, presumably forever.
Taylor: Somebody Stopped Him.
Dan: You finally got your wish.
Taylor: I was a good boy! I sat through this grey fog with the Slender Man for 6 hours (I think? Could’ve been longer) and now I get a treat.
Dan: I think it's notable that Jim was the "Last honest cop in Poland" and not the "Last good or detail oriented cop in Poland"
Taylor: Well that's good screenwriting. They let us THINK that "honest" meant "good," but really he was just Forrest Gump Honest, as in maybe he didn't have the neural architecture to compose an internal theory of other minds, and therefore was incapable of deceit.
Dan: This was a modern take on the Kindergarten Cop mythos, but instead of a Cop who teaches Kindergarten, it's a Kindergarten aged mind who becomes a Cop.
Taylor: BIG but for Polish cops.
Dan: I guess my first question is: Was this movie as bad as you thought it would be? Bad in different ways than you predicted? Good?
Taylor: Dark Crimes was bad in a very specific way that I did not expect at all. I expected it to be over serious, but I did not expect:
1) Jim Carrey can't do a Polish accent? Really? You'd think in the time that the costume gargoyle (who else would pick all these clothes?) sucked the color from a JC penny cardigan and draped it over his grey oxford button up, that Jim Carrey could probably come up with a decent Polish or at least vague Russian accent, but no. Did he know he was going to be in this movie?
Dan: I think his accent was European Chaotic Good.
Taylor: 2) There is a person that thinks THIS is "dark" "sex"? The Geico Cavemen have made me come harder than this.
(note: this film did not lead me to reach orgasm. I can't do it with Slenderman there.)
3) SO LITTLE VIOLENCE. I've honestly never thought that "This film needs more violence," until Dark Crimes.
Dan:I have a question about the "sex” actually. And now that you mention it, about the "dark crimes." What, in your mind were the titular dark crimes? As mentioned, the sex cage club dungeon doesn't actually seem to enter into the main investigation that Jim is pursuing. The main crime is: a sadist John roughs up a girl, who roughs him up right back...to death!
The movie also makes a big deal that PUBG turns men crazy. She literally turns them into dark crimers.
Taylor: Yeah, there were three crimes, if you count Polish Jordan Peterson lying to the police.
Dan: Well the movie version of the Polish Police force didn't seem to consider that a crime so I do not either.
Taylor: I guess the darkest crime would be the last crime, making Jim Carrey drink Polish Sprite (In America it's called "jenkem").
Dan: Sorry Jim, In the Game of Dark Crimes, You Gregor You Die
Taylor: He should have Greged!
Dan: Man this movie really was bad in all the bad ways. I wish it were weirder in all the good ways.
Taylor: The absolute blandness of this film is the darkest crime of all. The only thing that me feel anything was the pivotal JC POV sex scene. And that made me feel like I was watching Cannibal Holocaust with my Grandmother. Embarrassed and eager to die. (switch out Cannibal Holocaust for Blue is the Warmest Color)
Dan: That entire scene, from sweater off to sweater (naked Jim) in (sexing) was a hint of the possibilities that someone involved in this movie has at least an idea of what cinematic weirdness and imposed discomfort looks like.
Dan: I will petition Hollywood for a Dark Crimes reboot but with Donald Glover. Or Chris Pratt? Who is hotter these days?
Taylor: Oh god no, don't do that to him. He's gonna have PTSD from Solo anyway, let's not destroy him.
Dan: Okay what about John Leguizamo.
Taylor: The Pezsht.
Dan: Hell yeah. Listen up Cops, there are some real Dark Crimes in Poland right now. We've sent in the rest, now it's time to send in...The Pezsht.
Taylor: DAS PEZSHT.
Dan: Well we are nearing the closing segments of Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast, but before we get to the final questions, anything you want to mention? Anything we missed?
Taylor: No. There is nothing to be missed. We're standing in an infinite blank void. This movie removes everything un-self. This is the movie that The Nothing from The Neverending Story would make if it had to launder money in eastern Europe.
Dan: The man in the seat to our left was also in the seat to our right and behind us. When the lights came up we were in a different, empty theatre and he was in the poster in the lobby for the James Franco movie Future World instead of James Franco.
Taylor: Every face I see is his now.
Dan: He looked like if Jeff Goldblum didn't have glasses or facial features.
Taylor: And was constantly but gently buffeted by a breeze we cannot feel. But at least now that my wife is a faceless Slenderman, she's taller, so I don't have to get up during Westworld to get the Triscuits down from the top shelf.
Dan: Ok, time for the Questions. First up, what were your 3 favorite things about Dark Crimes?
Taylor: 1) Looking into Jim Carrey's eyes as he grunted to completion.
2) It wasn't actually infinitely long. We were allowed to leave the theater after a finite amount of time had passed.
3) I learned that Charlotte PUBG's representation won't say no to anything, so I'm gonna see if she'll be my intern and whittle down the old Gmail inbox this Summer. Could be a full time gig! We'll talk about it in her review, but I'm optimistic. Hope she doesn't make me do any dark crimes!
Dan: For me:
1) I thought that most of the mmm, technical parts of this movie were very professionally done! If this movie were an advertisement for the Non-Acting, Non-Writing, Non-Directing Polish Film Unions...which I think it is...I would call it a mild success! I would definitely use the local talent for lighting, cinematography and catering. Especially if I needed shots of gates and cars driving past them or Polish Sprite.
2) Krazlow the evil audiobook narrator / pick-up artist was straight out of a 90s John Woo movie. This was a comic book level bad guy in a staged reading of Uncle Vanya. Transplant that dude into a Georgia prison and let Nick Cage swap faces with him, please.
3) Me likey the horney sex club.
Next question! If you could change one thing about this movie, what would it be?
Taylor: Swords. I'd give everyone a sword. They'd use the swords to fight about their problems and conflicts. Wouldn't that make this actually a great movie?
Dan: No other changes? Just swords? It would certainly give 'em (us) something to talk about.
Taylor: Yep. Maybe punch up the soundtrack a little. But honestly, the exact same film but with sword fights would be pretty fun.
Dan: I think that works for me as long as there is at least one line where someone says, "Ever since sensible gun control laws were enacted, the amount of Dark Crimes has actually...increased."
Taylor: We should print this out and mail this to ourselves when we're done.
Dan: I'll save a copy on the blockchain.
I would have liked to see a scene where Jim puts on a VR headset and attempts to recreate the crime scenes using algorithmic rendering and advanced neural networks.
Taylor: Does the BlackList accept textual, podcasts?
Dan: I'll check with James Spader.
Ok final question. The big boy. If you could rename this movie, what would you call it?
Taylor: I have two, is that okay?
Dan: No it’s not okay...it's great!
Taylor: Yes Man 2: No, Sir! OR The Grey
How about you?
Dan: I would go with: Eternal Darkness of the Spotless Crime OR Doughface Ventura: Sweat Detective
Taylor: Reaction gif of man clapping
Dan: Michael Jackson eating popcorn dot gif
Taylor: AIM door closing sound
Dan: I have a bonus question that I forgot to ask!
Taylor: Oooh, a deleted scene.
Dan: You are, what I would call, if not an expert, certainly a connoisseur of Not Good Movies. For those who do not know, Taylor curates hosts and runs a monthly Bad Film and Relevant Slideshow Screening called Kino Evil, and has for many years now. My question is: how bad is Dark Crimes on the scale of not good movies?
Taylor: Great question and plug, Dan. Always appreciate people visiting kinoevil.org and signing up for bad movie mischief (Warning: We're scamps! ;))
I think the best way to measure a bad film is by calculating the distance between what the filmmakers wanted to achieve and what they actually achieved. In this instance, the Polish mafia (The "mafia" is like the Italian Yakuza) wanted to make a gritty, sexy, edge-of-your-seat thriller with a killer twist ending. What they actually made is a wet polaroid of grey men in sweaters looking at a loaf of bad bread in silence. Throw in a single scene of nude Jim Carrey moistly thrusting into camera, and you've got yourself a movie that would be great to get drunk and yell at with friends.
Dan: And like they say in the mafia, that's a-Gregor!
Taylor: Dan thanks for having me on your show! Please, indulge me and let's share a toast!
Dan: Thank you for having me have you!
Taylor: Here, I brought a nameless liquid in two tiny, teensy, tiny little wine glasses for some reason.
Dan: Smells like pee and poo fermenting! Bottom's up! And remember, the Darkest Crime...is man!
Taylor: Na Zdorovie!
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Taylor Moore is the publisher of Fortunate Horse Magazine, host of Sex Your Food on TruTV, head of comedy and podcasts at Kickstarter, and the last honest cop in Poland.
The gargantuan new issue of Fortunate Horse magazine goes on sale soon. Get it here: Fortunate.horse