Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: Episode 21  —  Juliet, Naked with Sarah Grace Welbourn

Published on 2018-09-18

 Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing!  

I met up with Sarah Grace one morning at the Angelika Film Center on Houston St. The theatre was relatively empty, which was good because we had a lot of shocked noises to make. After the movie, we walked to About Coffee on Sullivan and Broome, which is about the most generic name for a coffee shop that I could imagine. Sarah Grace and I sat across from each other and chatted about Juliet, Naked on the internet. She had a Chromebook.

Dan: Hi Sarah Grace! Thank you so much for joining me here today on Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. Today we will be discussing Juliet, Naked, in all of its intimate gory details. Before we begin, I have just one question for you: Have you ever thought about having a baby on your own?

Sarah Grace: Wow! Hi, Dan!! Thanks for having me and thanks for kicking this off with the BIG question. Actually, I have considered having a baby on my own. When I was 24, I was having breakfast with my friend Danny and I told him I was sad that if I don't ever get a boyfriend then I can't have a baby. And Danny, who was 40(?) told me I could have a baby on my own. And it relieved me!

Dan: I feel like, in this movie, every character was Danny. The main themes of Juliet, Naked are, in my opinion:

1) Taking a risk in life before you get trapped.

2) Asking Rose Byrne if she has ever thought about having a baby on [her] own?

Sarah Grace: I agree! Another important theme would, of course, be:

3) Is art for the artist or the audience?

4) If you leave a baby in a sink at a music venue, should you be allowed to ever care for a child again?

5) Should you ever call the sink baby on the phone when she is an adult?

Dan: Well if your point is that Tucker Crowe née Ethan Hawke should be in jail, my counter argument is that he IS in jail, emotionally.

Sarah Grace: Wow.

Dan: And in fact, if you think this is a movie about Rose Byrne and her struggles to grow out of a toxic relationship...you are wrong. It is a movie about Ethan Hawke and his dad bod / haircut.

Sarah Grace: Gosh, typing like this and laughing and thinking--is kind of how Tucker and Rose Byrne fell in love. On technology. Talking and thinking. I hope we don't arbitrarily fall in love, Dan. And Hawke's facial hair in the film is truly troubling! They didn't even try to make him someone who would appeal to someone as beautiful INSIDE AND OUT as Rose Byrne.

Dan: We will get to the details of their courtship but like...the craziest part of it, in my opinion, is Ethan Hawke just straight up cold flirting with this rando, genderless, anonymous forum poster via his aol.com account. Just cold calling NeoGokuXXX after 20 years in hibernation.

Sarah Grace: What was her forum name-- relichunter?

Dan: RelicMaster i think, because she works in a museum, you see.

Sarah Grace: Oh right! But I mean she could have truly been an old archeologist.

Dan: Sure or like, a 13 year old.

Sarah Grace: Like the first girl that her sister brought home!!

Dan: Wait I have a question. What year did all this take place in do you think? There were very few context clues, and most of them were contradictory.

What people don't realize, is that I have had to walk down the literal street to look for a bathroom...during this podcast!

Sarah Grace: Dan's trip to the bathroom has given me a lot of time to think. And I simply can't decide! 

Well, definitely it was after 1964 because Rose Byrne's museum exhibit was "The Summer of '64."  It didn't seem to be totally present day because Ethan Hawke's estranged twin sons didn't have Nintendo switches or Fortnite shirts. I'm gonna say "the recent past" -- 2015?

Dan: I guess my confusion stems from a few things.

1) Everyone has OLD MacBooks, the black and white ones with CD drives.

2) People are both shocked / excited but at the same time very nonchalant about an internet romance.

3) They all have NEW iPhones but never FaceTime???

4) They never snap each other pics of their buttholes / privates?

Wouldn't u wanna see the other person's butthole / privates before you flew halfway around the world to meet them?

Sarah Grace: Wow. I studied abroad and saw no buttholes before leaving for my trip. But this was 2007.  Maybe they were just surprised that Rose Byrne would be in an Internet relationship because of her Character. And less surprised about Internet relationships in general.  But yes, if someone sent me a CD in  2018 I would have no way to listen. Maybe I'd go to a library.

Dan: Gina the Woman With Whom The Man Will Cheat felt very generically NOW, what with the yoga pants and the bags of vegetables. I guess the big weird thing for me was the laptops. I am fine with a generic 2015+- date, with the caveat being I know I saw a Rose (Byrne) Gold Iphone 8 which is TOO RECENT.

Sarah Grace: If I was a man, I would definitely be tempted to cheat with Gina. 

Okay settled. This takes place in 2015+.

Dan: Deal. The last thing I want to say before we start plot hopping is: this movie was definitely marketed as a straight up comedy. I want to explicitly point out not the funny moments (of which there were not many) but the COMEDIC moments, of which there were also not many.

Sarah Grace: I agree-- definitely marketed as comedy, definitely played a humorless tragedy!  But we had a little fun.

Dan: It was mostly watching a toxic relationship for 45 minutes then introducing a new character and following him for an hour.

Sarah Grace: I think we can agree that the MAJOR COMEDIC MOMENT was when all of Ethan Hawke's failed relationships end up in his hospital room at the same time.

Dan: That was classic COMEDY. A revolving door of exes and kids all screaming and yelling and hating each other. Plus Super Hans shows up so you KNOW that’s comedy.

Sarah Grace: And I laughed because his oldest daughter Lizzie's step father actually looked like a British skeleton in a nice suit---who is Super Hans?


Super Hans is basically the same guy as in that movie, but from a British TV Show called Peep Show.

Sarah Grace: That's him!

Dan: It's funny and on Netflix (?), check it out!

Sarah Grace: At some point, I'd like to make a family tree of everyone who was in the hospital room.

Dan: Oh def. The other comedic moments are when Rose Byrne hits a smoke alarm with a pan while just wearing her underwear. On that note, let's just get the party started! Feel free to point out comedic moments as they happen!

So this movie opens with...Chris O'Dowd vlogging....on his...blog? This website is from 1995, by the look and feel, which also confused my internal timeline. He runs a website about a guy named Tucker Crowe, who is an alt rock icon / legend from the 90s. Also, there are TWO separate opening monologue / explanation things at the beginning of this movie. That's wild!

Sarah Grace: A character vlogging is a GREAT way to start a movie. We learned about him. We learned about his obsession with Tucker Crowe. It really set up the opening credits. 

Dan: Ya this vlog, opens the movie and explains Tucker Max or whatever and then immediately after, there is another opening monologue! This time we learn about Rose Byrne, as told by Rose Byrne.

Sarah Grace: Yes, then we hear Rose Byrne (Annie) talk about how she feels too young for sweaters and runs a museum she doesn't love, much like George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life.

Dan: So, we should mention that the trailer for this movie makes it look like Rose and Chris are in a boring if not outright bad relationship, and then somehow Ethan Hawke gets involved and it's a love triangle thing. You specifically told me your boyf did NOT want to see it because he doesn't like CHEATERS. (He's a keeper, ladies!)

Sarah Grace: Yes! It seemed that Rose and Chris would be a married couple, and that Chris would be a lovable nut that Rose gets bored with-- and my boyf doesn't like to see lovable goofs get cheated on by bored women. Big keeper!!!

Dan: Too close to home? Fellas, if you doing goofs and ur girl yawns...that's a red flag.

Sarah Grace: Haha--I'm not bored at all. My boyf is totally fun- and we are currently planning a trip to Sleepy Hollow for Halloween.

Dan: Spooooky! Right well I was also expecting a doofy doof and a bored woman. What we got was just...a real bad relationship with a bad dude. A selfish, borderline abusive manchild with arrested development. I wanted out.

Sarah Grace: He was very bad, and didn't seem to be attracted to her at all. As Dan mentions, she is putting out a fire in her underwear at one point looking RIDICULOUSLY HOT and he says "You are acting weird." I'm also out.

Dan: You are probably asking yourself: how did they even end up together in the first place?

Sarah Grace: Well, you are in for a CLASSIC MEET CUTE.

Dan: Don't worry, this movie explains everything in the first 5 minutes. During her monologue, Rose explains that she grew up in this little English coastal town and only left once for Uni (the best years of her life!). She took over her dad's museum and one day she met a travelling professor who was cool and they fell in love. He is really into music (Tucker Crowe) and movies and TV.

This movie has the trappings of a Rom Com, everyone has their character game: Duncan is INTO POP CULTURE, Rose's Sister is a HORNY LAZY LESBIAN, Rose is HOT BUT BAD WITH MEN. Everyone hits their character game hard but nothing is ever light or fun.

Sarah Grace: Rose Byrne had so much fun going to school in London but, like George Bailey, had to run the Building and Loan- so she came back and was bored and miserable. But she met Chris O'Dowd and he's a professor! And get this, he likes movies and TV! They have so much in common!

Dan: Yes, and don't forget that like all good Rom Coms, we get a precocious child who helps bring the couple together---though he could have been more precocious and helped way more. But okay, let's talk about what happens after the opening monologues! We find out that Rose Byrne's HORNY LAZY LESBIAN sister is a bad driver! Ya she parks bad, is late to work, and then flirts with a woman on the street. Zip Zap Zop, that's how you intro a character!

Sarah Grace: She also brings literal child to dinner at Rose and Chris's home like on a date. And instead of calling the cops, Chis introduces the child to Tucker Crowe.

Dan: What you see is what you get with Horny Sister. Duncan is very obsessed with this Musician, Tucker Crowe. Through him and his fansite we learn that Tucker has, since his debut album Juliet, walked off the face of the earth leaving fans behind to interpret his mysterious oeuvre. Rose is fed up with this shit, but what can you do? He has a whole room covered in Tucker Crowe stuff, and worst of all? He also vlogs about it.

Sarah Grace: She is so bored of talking about Tucker Crowe!! So bored that when he gets a mysterious CD in the mail that has UNHEARD tucker crowe music, she immediately listens to the whole thing and posts a bad review on Chris O'Dowd’s fan website to spite him! But please don't talk about Tucker Crowe. She is so bored with Tucker Crowe!

Dan: The inciting incident of this movie...is insane. Try and follow along…

At some point in the first act, a package is delivered to the Byrne/O'Dowd mansion. Inside the package is a handwritten letter and a burned CD (lucky they all have old Macbooks!) labeled Juliet, Naked. An early, unmastered version of the seminal album. Now, once Duncan listens to this album and posts about it online, it is heavily implied that this is a heretofore UNHEARD OF recording. My question is, where did it come from?

Sarah Grace: The moment that Rose receives this CD the mail also contains a floral dress she bought online. She tries it on and it doesn't fit. Then Dan asked me what was wrong with it, and I explained to him that it was too big for her.

Dan: The movie really glosses over the dress. It looked nice? But she frowns. And takes it off. Then like, sits despondent on the floor?

Sarah Grace: The dress was too big and it didn't flatter her INSANELY HOT body-- and to prove it the director puts her in her underwear and bra the rest of the scene.

But where did the CD come from? I guess we have to assume Tucker Crowe sent it to him because he somehow knew that Chris would gain it some traction and that he could make enough money to give his son Jackson's mom exactly ONE alimony check.

Dan: I also assumed that Tucker Max sent it, but then we very quickly learn that Tucker Max HATES all the freaks and geeks on the Tucker Max forum? So why would he send it?

Sarah Grace: Wait. We have to mention that Rose Byrne (who hates Tucker Max music) was so enthralled by listening to the CD that she burns...soup?!?!?! Can you burn soup?????? Why not a baked good? Why?

Dan: Ya so Rose, Naked sits on her floor and starts using her laptop. Forgetting about the ZITI she was cooking on the stove. This is classic romcomedy, leading to her climbing up on a chair, tits out, to bang on her smoke alarm with a cast iron pan.

You say soup, I say ziti. Is this our first big fight?

Sarah Grace: It wasn't ziti because that would have been in the oven and could be burned!!

Dan: I think it was a thing of big sloppy ziti in red sauce. That's funnier than soup.

Sarah Grace: That's it- I'm leaving you for a musician that you like and I HATE!!

Dan: Well either way, Duncan comes home and gets MAD at her for listening to the album. And is MAD at her for being naked.

Sarah Grace: He sees the fire that soup has somehow created. He sees his GORGEOUS NAKED GIRLFRIEND who he won't allow to have a baby--he hears a Tucker song on the CD player and he gets FURIOUS.

Dan: Oh yeah we need to mention that. They do not have kids. It is honestly, very softly and casually implied that Anne wants kids? It doesnt actually seem like she wants kids, to me? It feels more like she is in a bad relationship and bored? She says one time, "I want unconditional love," and that is the only way in which we are lead to believe it is a good idea for her to have a kid.

Sarah Grace: But then you must take into account that everytime she sees a baby or a child, she gets a sad look.

Dan: That's a good point. Show don't tell.

Sarah Grace: Okay, maybe Tucker Max hates the forum but he is fine with using them for quick cash to give one alimony check so he exploits Chris and the forum by sending the demo.

Dan: Smart. Yeah eventually Duncan listens to the album and cries. He apologizes to Anne but she is fed up and they both write reviews. Duncan's is effusive and Anne's is NEGATIVE.

Sarah Grace: How can Duncan be with a woman who doesn't understand Tucker Crowe music? All he is his love of Tucker Crowe music (and a college class he teaches about The Wire). Can we talk about Duncan's class where he talks about The Wire and meets Gina?

Dan: Okay FINE!

Sarah Grace: THANK YOU!!

Dan: I don't remember the specific order, is this before Anne gets the EMAIL that CHANGES everything?

Sarah Grace: Ah, you are right. It's after. Let's talk about the email, and table The Wire class and table The Sink Baby. Tucker emails Annie that he loves her negative email about his music. He also hates his music!

Dan: Yes it is a classic take on the trope of: Mysterious Artist has his work critiqued and then he reaches out to the critic and says "Finally, someone gets it. I suck shit."

Sarah Grace: The only person who hates Tucker Crowe music more than Annie is Tucker Crowe. Which makes me wonder, Dan, do you think Tucker Crowe music sucks shit?

Dan: This is the part in the movie where I was confused, because , like i said, he just starts hard core flirting with QAnon. I think his music was fine? Like, generically radio friendly alt rock from the early 90s.

Sarah Grace: I liked it!

Dan: Ya, and through his email writing we meet him and his giant eyed son.

Sarah Grace: I was surprised that Rose sent such a nice reply. He basically emailed "Bingo. You are right. I suck shit." And then she responded with like...a lot of details about her life.

Dan: Yeah and I guess I understand the desire for her, an escape through this online stranger. I understand far less, what Tucker Max gets out of this whole thing?

I hope they serve ‘clever tea’ in Hell! (funny joke combining two things)

Sarah Grace: They spend time grocery shopping, painting, and hanging up laundry and they live in a garage.

Dan: Ya seems fun enough? Anyway they start cybering secretly, and Anne is very easily convinced that this is the real Tucker Crowe even though he literally never sends her a dick pic to prove it.

Sarah Grace: We know that Tucker Max has had at least five wives and ten babies so what does he care about ONE MORE FLING with a fan who hates him. He doesn't really need one more person in his life who hates him. Everyone hates him except Large Eye Son.

Dan: Tucker Max has a few important character traits. 1) Lots of kids. 2) One kid he WON’T TALK ABOUT. 3) Loves to fuck.

Sarah Grace: He never sends her a dick pic but then things really heat up in Cyber Land when Annie sends that one email accidentally and tries to retract it. What did it say?

Dan: Oh ya she sends one like, “Wow I feel like I’m dabbling in betrayal, since i told you about my horrible shit ass boyfriend who I hate.”

Meanwhile her boyf is full on SNOGGING a HEALTH LADY.

Sarah Grace: I'd like to add one more Tucker trait. 4) He eats grass in that one scene.

Dan: Which is actually a perfect segue to Duncan's The Wire Masterclass.

Sarah Grace: Yes!!! Finally!!!

Dan: I thought this scene, wherein Duncan is teaching a group of local students about The Wire, was very clearly supposed to be a comedy moment. But like, it was just a class? He wasn't saying anything ridiculous? And like, sure, why not have a class on The Wire?

Sarah Grace: Duncan teaches a class about how the characters in The Wire are like characters in Greek mythology because they all have a strong relationship with fate?!?!?!?!!? And this is so smart to The Health Food Lady that she decides to tell him about her movement training and try to sleep with him. 

Dan: Yeah, I want to stress how much this scene was supposed to be funny in a redic way but it was literally like a reasonable course and lecture? But yes, Health and Movement lady, Gina, it turns out is a TEACHER not just a comely young student, and so they now have a connection. Cool.

I want to pause for a sec and talk about Sandcliffe (sp?) the lovely coastal town where Anne and Duncan live. My girlf and I watch a little British show on Netflix during bedtime called like...British Coastal Towns or something. I literally don't know what it's called, but it is just like..an HGTV show but it's little British people moving to little British coastal towns. And it's boring as hell. Anyway, this movie should have had more Sandcliffe. Sandcliffe should have been the 4th character in the love triangle.

Sarah Grace: Sandcliffe was really nice. It's hard to believe Rose felt trapped there. It had so much open air, lovely people, a fun rock band that you can get up onstage and sing with, and your sister lives there!

Dan: God she was so horny.

Sarah Grace: And she kept saying everyone was "fit" that was big for her. She would have loved Gina.

Dan: Wow, actually I bet they would have got on famously. Okay let's speed things up. Meanwhile, back in Anywhere USA, The Crowe meets his British daughter who comes to visit and hate him, yadda yadda. Turns out she is pregnant, which is great because now he has a reason to go to LONDON eventually. 

Sarah Grace: Not only was she pregnant-- she was MAD. That was her main trait. Very MAD. Mad that she didn't know all her brothers and sisters. Mad that her dad doesn't keep in touch. Mad that her dad refuses to contact her half sister who he left in a sink as a baby (this is a tease of when we will discuss Sink Baby).

Dan: The readers should note, we are like...50 minutes into this movie, and Anne / Duncan haven't split up, Tucker and Anne haven't met, nothing has happened. They literally might as well have been flirting by hand written letter carried by doves.

Duncan and Gina flirt some more and end up having sex because she likes his Tucker Max albums.

Sarah Grace: Truly, nothing has happened. Except that we heard some Tucker music that I liked more than Dan, and I got to explain to Dan while not all dresses you buy online fit. But the main point is that this correspondence makes Rose feel so bad. Cue EPIC DINNER.


Sarah Grace: Rose orders chicken and Duncan gets lamb--this comes into play later.

Dan: Haha yes. There was another comedy moment in this scene, based on this. Rose yells at Chris and they break up and then the waiter...get this...hands them the wrong dishes! I peed all over the place. Literally swapped their orders for a brief moment.

Sarah Grace: Duncan tells Rose about Gina, and then follows his CHEATER CONFESSION up by saying that he's leaning toward staying with Rose. He is a MONSTER. I am so mad at him! And then dishes mix up with the waiter. Wow! I love this COMEDY!

Dan: The Chris O'Dowd character is, I’m certain, supposed to be a comically BAD BOYF. But as mentioned, repeatedly, he isn't really over the top or a caricature, he's just a bad dude? Anyway, in a move 40 minutes too late, Anne dumps his ass like yesterday's lamb.

Sarah Grace: I think he is a really bad person, and that's why it was hard for me to enjoy this. (Also because Ethan Hawke leaves a baby in a sink...later!!...and no one calls the police). 

Dan: Great, you must be thinking! We can finally move this along and Anne and Tucker can fall in love like the kind of love you see in the movies.

Sarah Grace: Then we get a scene of Chris leaving their house, and another great comedy moment where he can't get the key off the keychain.

Dan: Yeah, that was after the comedy moment of "I can't take all my stuff right now it's raining.

Sarah Grace: Yes  he can't take down his Tucker shrine (bc the movie needs it for later) so he tells Annie that since it's raining and he has the wrong boxes (???) he will take that stuff with him later.

Dan: Love it. Okay so as discussed, Tucker and Boy Child need to go to London to see Tucker’s grandson and so he asks if Anne wants to meet for a drink? Yes we will finally get our meet cute, an hour into this 4 hour Dickensian Epic (like The Wire!)

Sarah Grace: She says yes!! OMG!! It's happening. I'm so excited for them to get a drink at The Tate Modern!!

Dan: Yes wow classic date spot! Anne gets dressed up in a nice dress! Maybe from online?! Let's let the readers peak behind the curtain! We are having technical difficulties in this coffee shop and our messages are all delayed by a good 20-30 seconds or so!

Sarah Grace: Also, this might have been lost on you, but she got a blow out. Her hair looked beautiful. Now, why is Tucker running soooo late??

Dan: Oh wow did NOT notice that, another classic case of the male gaze. I was busy looking at her butthole / privates.

Sarah Grace: Annie sits at a beautiful table at The Tate Modern from sunup to sundown waiting for Tucker, but Dan...tell us where Tucker is!!!?

Dan: Oh him? Oh ya he had a heart attack at the hospital where his daughter is giving birth. Which is a line from his Alanis Morrisette cover of Ironic.

I actually heard You Oughta Know is about Tucker Max.

Sarah Grace: He thinks the heart attack is Jet Lag- and asks the Boy Child if he has Jet Lag, too. The Boy says no and then his father has a heart attack in front of him. I am worried about The Boy.

Dan: The Boy has all he needs: a dad and a few moms. Tucker invites Anne to the hospital and it’s time to Meet the Fockers! Wanna do some 23andMe with these kooky randos?

Sarah Grace: Yes, please. So let's start from the beginning. Tucker dated Julia (of Juliet, Naked) they were in love in the 70s and she begat "Grace" who we do not speak of. Neither Julia nor Grace is present at the hospital.

Dan: Check.

Sarah Grace: Then Tucker lay with Lizzie's mom who begat Lizzie who slept with Zack and Zack has a guitar--and Lizzie's mom has a new boyfriend who is the Skeleton Man.

Dan: Check. One thing to note: we learn subsequently that after confronted with Grace as a baby, Tucker freaks out and never Does Music Again. This is relevant to my next question.

Sarah Grace: They are all at the hospital...including the guitar. Zack is definitely a musician because he has a guitar and to prove it- he brings it to the hospital.

Dan: Check. I'll hold my question until after we finalize the family tree.

Sarah Grace: Then Tucker lay with Carrie. Carrie who begat the two twin boy sons who LIzzie didn't know about. The twins are there in the hospital with headphones on, and so is their mother, Carrie, who just spent 10K on a flight for three people and is pissed.

Dan: Check.

Sarah Grace: Finally, Tucker lay with Most Recent Wife (not at hospital) who begat Boy Child (at hospital). And Annie meets them all. Then we get a classic Chekov's gun payoff and Zack finally plays his guitar

Dan: Yeah everyone is screaming at everyone and Tucker begs Zach to just "Play the guitar, dude."

Now, my question is: Since Tucker stopped playing music and literally VANISHED after Grace the sink baby...He still literally had relationships and kids with all these other women? AFTER that? Like, was he still famous? Or not?

If yes, why does no one on the fansite know about this? If no, why did everyone keep having lots of kids with him? Not that being famous isn't the only reason to have kids with a guy, but also, yes it is. Would YOU ever have kids with someone if they werent famous?

Sarah Grace: It seems his BIG ALBUM was about Sink Baby's mom--so maybe he was getting famous from that in the wake of QUITTING MUSIC FOREVER. And all these other women were sleeping with him because they just heard him on radio and he seemed tortured. 

Dan: That works except all his kids are like, 10 years apart.

Sarah Grace: I would...NOT have kids with someone who wasn't famous.

Dan: Maybe one wife  heard him on the modern rock station, then 10 years later another heard him on the alt rock classics station, then 10 years later someone heard him on the golden oldies station.

Sarah Grace: I like your theory about the radio stations. That works for me! Let me ask you? Does Tucker have charm aside from fame? My answer would be "no."

Dan: Eh, he wasn't UNCHARMING. Like, literally give him a haircut and new clothes. He is fine. Like, he was nice, funny, engaged. Which is a low bar I realize, but no I thought he was fine.

Sarah Grace: He needs a shave, a haircut, and to eat food that isn't grass.

Dan: Yes you mentioned this earlier, there is a literal scene where he is sitting in some long grass by a lake, suckin on a thing of wheat while he emails Anne. It was a wrangler jeans commercial. So YES, he is CHARMING.

Sarah Grace: Ok, Dan if you say so. But even Rose doesn't know him outside of his fame. And I think if she walked up to his old, chubby ass sucking that tumbleweed out of his fame context, she'd say "Suck lemons, loser."

Dan: Honestly Anne was into him because he a) had a Kid and she is Baby Crazy and b) had a goatee. I asked you this on the walk over here, but WHO is this movie for? More specifically, WHO walks out of this movie thinking, yes, I got what I wanted when I walked in?

Sarah Grace: Her name is Annie. If her name was Anne, she would be strong from the beginning and would never question her ability to have a baby ON HER OWN. This is a good question. I think the movie would mostly satisfy people like you and your girf who watch that British show about the countryside? I liked the peacefulness of the landscapes the most.

Dan: I actually think it TEASED the coastline more than I wanted. Don't edge me movie. I want to be blasted in the face with rocky shores and gulls flying past lighthouses. Gimme more drone shots.

Sarah Grace: We saw Ethan and Boy Child dig in Sand and discuss the shells they found. 

Dan: I didn’t even KNOW this was a coastal movie coming in and I was STILL disappointed by how much coast I got. Juliet, Naked...more like Daniel, Disappointed.

Sarah Grace: I liked that a lot, and it satisfied me--except that I didn't trust Ethan with Boy Child because, as you know, I think he should be in prison for what he did to Sink Baby. Is it time to talk about Sink Baby? And Ethan's Big Confession to AnnIE?

Dan: Ya let's do sink baby first, even though it's not for like, a million years in movie time. In movie time, they are all still in London, keep in mind. But yes eventually everyone goes back to Sandcliffe together. Tell me about sink baby and then we can talk about the Museum Exhibit. Everyone is dying to know about sink baby. What her deal is, where she cuts her hair, what she does for work.

Sarah Grace: Tucker has something to tell Annie. Annie heard the name "Grace" in the hospital and is wondering "Who is Grace?" "Why does that name upset you?" Tucker tells her HIS BIG CONFESSION. Grace is why he left music. Grace is THE SINK BABY.

Dan: Now I know what you're thinking, what is a SINK BABY? And why is Sarah Grace obsessed with her? Is it because her name is Grace, and Sarah Grace's name is almost Grace? Is it because Sarah Grace was also a sink baby?

Sarah Grace: When Tucker was young and alive and doing drugs in the 70's he's at the last venue he will every play with when JULIA (of the album JULIET) enters with a baby in her arms. A BRAND NEW BABY- maybe 3 days old! LIterally swaddled in a blanket from the hospital where she was just born.

Dan: Was that the 70s? It was literally 1993 right? He was touring his Juliet album

Sarah Grace: Julia insinuates that this is Tucker's baby and hands the BRAND NEW BABY over to Tucker. He is on SO MANY DRUGS I GUESS that he thinks she was handing him the baby so she could leave the baby forever. But she wasn't--she was going to get a bottle? Even though this baby couldn't have a bottle yet- it was 3 days old!!!

Tucker can't be a dad. He's on drugs. He's a musician. But he is CERTAIN, Julia has just given him this baby. What can Tucker do? The only rational thing a man on drugs with a BRAND NEW BABY would do. He puts the three day old baby in a DIRTY SINK, in a DIRTY BATHROOM, in a DIRTY MUSIC VENUE. And then he leaves!!!!!!! Can someone pleassssseeee call the cops on Tucker? In my mind, no statute of limitations exists on this crime? He left a BRAND NEW BABY FOR DEAD. That should go against all his evolutionary instincts. He is a psychopath with no redeeming values who eats grass. Run, ROSE!! Please run!!!

Dan: Do you think people can tell that every 20 minutes or so I have to walk down the street to a literal public park to use a restroom? Longtime Danheads know that a big part of this podcast is how often I have to pee.

Sarah Grace:  Dan, do me a favor? If you see a baby in the sink in the public park bathroom, call the cops on the man who left it there and have him TRIED FOR MURDER!!! Please don't instead make a romantic movie about his life where he gets to have four wives, ten kids, and end up with Rose Byrne. 

Dan: There are two babies here but I think they are taking care of each other? 

Sarah Grace: Two babies? Those must be Ethan Hawke’s twin boys with headphones on in the hospital. He is a serial killer.

Dan: Also in his defense, he feels GUILTY about it! Hasn't he suffered enough? He has to live his life doing whatever he wants whenever he wants spending royalty checks periodically on whatever!

He doesn't even get to fully have sex with Annie without his barfing ass kid barfing all over her couch! #NotAllTuckers

Sarah Grace:  Not enough suffering! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!! Why did they have to give Annie two such terrible options? She's so wonderful. Her parents died. She's running the Building and Loan for them.

Dan: Eventually Tucker...calls Grace and like..idk what is the point of that scene?

Sarah Grace: I am actually a little riled up now, and I hate Tucker Crowe. More than Chris O'Dowd. 

Dan: Does he get closure? His whole thing in this movie is, I fucked up in my past, I am trying to make things right. But like, Okay? I guess the point is he is not owed forgiveness and he has to accept that. Does he ever accept that? Not really? He just kind of continues to exist, although he does commit to taking care of Boy Child and being there for Young Mother Child.

Sarah Grace: But Dan. That's not how things work. If you leave a baby in a bathroom for dead- you don't get to just be emotionally punished. He lives in a garage. He has hard responsibilities. He has a heart attack. Not enough. He deserves actual prison. I won't be satisfied. LOCK HIM UP!  But yes, Rose agrees to meet up with him anyway, and then he invites himself to her hometown like a true COLD BLOODED KILLER.

Dan: Smoke is coming out of Sarah Grace's ears right now. She just flipped over the table we are sitting at.

Sarah Grace: Ugh. I am so upset about how the movie dealt with Tucker Crowe's CRIME. I am so distracted Dan. How did they think we could forgive him? I literally don't care if he can forgive himself. They don't even treat what he did like a big deal. They make his big internal struggle whether or not he was a good musician and whether or not he could still be a good lover but he should be ROTTING IN PRISON--this movie should be set in prison.

Dan: Like, they have an e-romance from prison? I like that! More like Tucker Supermax.

Do you think Tucker thought at the time that he was condemning that sink baby to die?

Sarah Grace: I think Tucker was on drugs and all he sought to do was abandon the baby forever from his life. I think he put it in the bathroom thinking someone would come by who is more evolved than him and would care more about HIS CHILD than he himself did. But that's a risk. The baby could definitely have died.

Dan: Yes it could have drowned in the sink. Like it if flailed its tiny arms and accidentally turned the water on.

Sarah Grace: Or if a drunk clubber washed his hands over the baby and didn't see the baby.

If I saw a baby in a sink at a club, I would call the cops and take the baby to a hospital. But not everyone would!

Dan: I've heard of grace under fire....but grace under faucet?!

If I saw a baby in a sink at a club, I would say "Woah! THIS baby knows how to party!" and I’d put sunglasses on it and crowdsurf it.

Sarah Grace: What actually happened, do we think? Julia comes back- Tucker is nowhere. She sees a woman (maybe someone like me) holding her baby and screaming, "Is this anyone's baby?!?! How did this play out?

Dan: The baby was raised by urinal rats. The end.

Sarah Grace: I've done a lot of thinking about your question--who is this movie for. I honestly think it's for older men who have done bad things and wonder if they are allowed to have a good life anyway. My answer is "no" and the movie says "yes."

Dan: Wow finally, a movie for Men of a Certain Age.

Sarah Grace: Hahaha They needed this!

Dan: Okay, well great. Tucker finally tells Anne his deep dark secret. That he left a baby out to dry, so to speak.

Sarah Grace: AnnIE not Anne is genuinely nonplussed because this movie was written by a man who also left a baby in a sink.

Dan: No jury in the world would convict him. At some point in this movie the big museum party happens at Anne's museum right?

Sarah Grace: Because the jury is all men who left babies in sinks. Yes, but first we need to talk about Duncan meeting Tucker?

Dan: Oh jeez. Yes. Duncan is out jogging with his Health Woman who he is now dating at the least, and living with at the most. Remember that smoothie she was making in the foreground?

Sarah Grace: She was making a smoothie out of a CONVENIENT zip loc of fruits and veggies that wasn't necessarily for a smoothie but IT HAD TO BE FOR A SMOOTHIE. Health Lady and Duncan run into AnnIE and Tucker on THE BEACH WE ALL GO TO.

Dan: Just a classic British Coastline. I felt like I was in bed ready to sleep with the sleep timer on. Health Woman is the latest and dare I say GREATEST in a long line of strong female characters who exist only for the male lead to cheat on with and jog next to.

Sarah Grace: The coastline was so peaceful! Then Duncan sees AnnIE and something strange happens.

Dan: I mean, what he does next makes sense If you remember that he is in a movie. And not an actual person.

Sarah Grace: He approaches her because he says she has spotted him. But she hasn't. Then Annie gets nervous that she hasn't told him about Tucker. Even though she owes him nothing. She starts spinning out of control trying to explain who Tucker is but he is interrupting her back (CLASSIC COMEDY), and then Tucker walks over!

Dan: Right, Anne is upset because she hasn't yet told Duncan that she is now hanging out with Tucker - which again, makes sense if you remember she is in a movie.

Sarah Grace: You need to start calling her Annie or I'm framing you for the murder of sink baby.

Dan: Annie is diminutive. I give her full respect. Too much respect actually.

Sarah Grace: Then Duncan says if THAT'S Tucker Crowe than he is Edith Piaf (and he isn't), so that's a joke! Then he walks away in a huge huff.

Dan: Yeah. It's a scene that...should have been important! Like, if this movie is actually anything, the scene where the old schlub meets the big idol should be...important. Or at least funny!

Sarah Grace: But instead we were thinking about the beach and hoping Boy Child wouldn't eat sand while no one was babysitting him correctly.

Dan: Ya the ocean is actually a big sink, if you think about it. The biggest sink.

Sarah Grace: Hahahhaha. I am SURE, Tucker has tried to leave him there but lifeguards have prevented it. The next...day?...Duncan is plagued by maybe seeing Tucker Crowe, and he can't stop thinking about it. So he goes to Annie's house to spy on her and Maybe Tucker.

Dan: Yes, Tucker Anne and Boy Child all settle in for a nice non burnt dinner.

Sarah Grace: In the meantime, Tucker makes his specialty (plain pasta) while Annie reads Boy Child a book about Poison.

Dan: Yes Boy Child is interested in Plague. I think the joke here is that...Anne is...a museum nerd? And doesn’t have "Kid Stuff." Anyway Duncan joins them and delivers the classic line about who art is for.

Sarah Grace: Tucker doesn't like the Juliet album. Duncan loves it. But who cares what Tucker thinks because..."Is art for the artist or the audience?"  I think the writer hoped this scene would play at The Oscars.

Dan: Wow. Duncan just kinda walks out after ruining dinner and getting mad at Tucker. In his defense, he was forced to eat plain pasta with salt.

Sarah Grace: Yes! Then Annie invites her new family to her exhibit.

Dan: Oh here we go! So. We should explain what exactly her museum is? And what her big exhibit is that the entire movie spends setting up.

Sarah Grace: Yes, it's a Historical Society for Sandcliffe. So, essentially is preserves the town's memory and is funded by the Bossy Mayor with a Big Mouth.

Dan: Literally and figuratively big.

Sarah Grace: He has commissioned her to do an exhibit on The Summer of ‘64 (important summer  because a dead shark washed up in Sandcliffe then). He wants it to be very sexy, but Annie wants it to honor the citizens of Sandcliffe. She wants to show pictures of people who live in Sandcliffe in their bathing suits and he wants to hire a couple to make out the whole time---and he does!

Dan: I was in the bathroom for the part where this is explained. That is actually funny. Kudos, Mr. Mayor!

Sarah Grace: Dan went to the bathroom at the coffee shop and at the movies!

Dan: Movies make me pee a lot, what can I say! Plus I had a baby to look after!

Sarah Grace: Hahahaha. Were you there when Annie asked Tucker if he wants to have sex?

Dan: Yes, I was there when Anne asks Tucker if he would be interested in her sexually.

Sarah Grace: That was so awkward to me. I was cringing! And she tells him that she has researched his new heart condition, and she found out that she will have to do most of the work. And then he says that's how he always does it anyway---PIG!!!!!

Dan: Wow yes, classic sex haver! This movie is for old men with sink babies.

Sarah Grace: Now it's time for BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS MAYOR to get Tucker on stage to play the keyboard for the guests at the exhibit. Annie is horrified. Then Tucker obliges, and I was very bored and scared we'd have to hear the whole song.

Dan: Ya he plays a not bad cover of Waterloo Sunset and then Duncan shows up for some reason and everyone enjoys it?

Sarah Grace: Then they go home and can't have sex because Boy Child pukes (probably from eating something he shouldn't while no on was babysitting him correctly).

Dan: I felt like...They DID have sex.

Sarah Grace: Did you? I felt like it was implied that they had only started. 

Dan: That counts. In a court of law.

Sarah Grace: But I think he could be convicted of murdering sink baby even though he only started the process of killing her, so there you go.

Dan: Well either way, I literally forget what happens next. Does he get a call from his daughter?

Sarah Grace: Then Tucker and Annie GIVE UP on establishing a relationship. Because it's long distance. And Lizzie's musician boyfriend with the guitar leaves her.

Dan: Yes. Tucker needs to go back to New York, and Anne needs to go back to...uh, the other room. You turned to me and said, "How is this gonna resolve?"

I said, "Obviously Tucker is gonna move to England to help take care of his new grandson, since the musician dad skipped down, thus giving him a real chance at redemption and to do the right thing by his own abandoned daughter."

But then! No, the movie just ends. That was a wild and audacious choice!

Sarah Grace: It just ends. Oh, and Duncan tries to get back with Annie one more time. We see Tucker and Annie meeting for coffee in the slight future and I’m like HUH??? and then it ends.

Dan: Bam. Right in the feels. You were crying.

Sarah Grace: I was still crying for Grace. I was so proud of the meth head who pulled her out of the sink and saved her life. Doesn't Annie realize that the only thing worse than Tucker Crowe music will be dating Tucker Crowe? I weep for her, too.

Dan: I think, in Anne's defense, he is FAMOUS. Like, would you ever date Alex if he weren't famous?

Sarah Grace: Gosh, I'd like to think I would. I really want to believe that. But, I guess, I'm not sure. Well, Dan. Is it time to drain the sink and return to our lives?

Dan: You wish.

Sarah Grace: I just posted my new headshots on Instagram and I am eager to see who is commenting!!!

Dan: Before we get to our closing questions, anything we missed? Anything you want to mention about this movie or what you thought of it?

Sarah Grace: Yes. I am struck by how much I have really harbored hate in my heart for the people who made this move. The movie wasn't good so I am surprised it could rile me up like this. I really can't stop thinking about how frustrated on am that they created this Loser Character who is also a murderer and wanted us to Like him and Root for him with Rose Byrne. And I think, that they thought we would. And that's a poor reflection on us as a movie-going public. Shame on us that they wrote this character and thought we would play ball.

Dan: I think maybe it is a hard sell: A romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor a comedy. A redemption story of a man who deserves no redemption. The only redeeming thing is that Anne breaks up with Duncan! So that's nice!

Sarah Grace: Great summary, and I agree.

Dan: And her horny sister gets laid a lot! Off screen.

Sarah Grace: We also missed the part where Tucker calls the Sink Baby who is now an adult who has ZERO plan of what he wants to say--and kind of just listens to her voice like a psychopath. And she speaks harshly to him with the help of millions of dollars of therapy. And I am happy for her, but he should have never called her. Can't he do anything right? I hate this character. LOCK HIM UP.

Dan: But his emails.

Sarah Grace: Unsubscribe.

Dan: Wow. So let us begin. What were your 3 favorite things about this movie?

Sarah Grace: 1) Rose Byrne's cute outfits and her general sweetness.

2) The Old Lady at the exhibit who recognized herself in the photo. She gave a great performance.

3) The trailer!

Dan: Wow! For me:

1) I liked that the quaint British Seaside town of Sandcliffe was featured prominently, drawing the eye away from the actors and action on screen at any time.

2) I thought Ethan Hawke did a good job of looking like a 90s alt rock guy when he was younger in photos.

3) Love Horny Lesbian Sister.

Next! If you could change one thing about this movie, what would it be?

Sarah Grace: I would have made the reason he is sad about Grace because he thinks he let her go too soon when she was learning to ride a bike. And I would add a bunch more jokes and make it really silly. And have a scene where Tucker and Duncan are both in the house and Annie is trying to not let either of them know the other one is there. Just more silly!

Dan: Oh ya totally. Or she is on a date with both at the same restaurant, and she has to keep running back and forth.

I would make it so Tucker Max actually has hundreds of kids all over the world. And while Annie and him are having sex, they keep showing up at the door. Ding dong!

Sarah Grace: That's very fun! Except that I don't want him having sex with Annie--YUCK. I hate him!!

Dan: Fine, just butt sex then.

Sarah Grace: Fine.

Dan: Okay last question! If you could change the name of this movie, what would you call it?

Sarah Grace: LOCK HIM UP: The Story of a Woman Who Hated Tucker Crowe Music So Much That She Got Him the Justice He Had Coming

Dan: Wow! I'd go with: Audience, Disappointed or I Hope They Serve Plain Pasta In Hell

Well Sarah Grace, thank you so much for joining us here on Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast. Any final words for our listeners?

Sarah Grace: Thanks for having me, Dan! And thanks to everyone who listened. I hope you have a really nice day, and that if you ever come across something called Juliet, Naked later in your lives---it will be porn!

Dan: Same! And remember, it's not cheating if he's FAMOUS!

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Sarah Grace is a VERY POPULAR comedian/actress made famous by her 1-5 line roles on CBS’s BULL and (now Emmy Award winning) The Marvelous Mrs Maisel

Please go see her improv team Women & Men every Saturday at 7pm at UCB East!