Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: Episode 21  —  The Meg with Alex Song

Published on 2018-09-25

Welcome to Dan Glaser’s Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. In each episode I go with a different comedian to see a movie and then we head to the closest coffee shop to chat about it over the internet. Yes it is a podcast, you just have to read it instead of listen to it. As always, you can catch up on all the other episodes here. Even better, consider supporting the podcast by subscribing

(I couldn't find Alex, but I managed to get a pic of her cousin, Cool Alex)
(I couldn't find Alex, but I managed to get a pic of her cousin, Cool Alex)

Alex and I met in the lobby of Regal Union Square one Tuesday Morning in late summer. The Meg was playing and we had 2 hours to find out what the heck was going on with that big shark. About what felt like 6 hours later, we walked around Union Square looking for a coffee place to chat in, and we found what is perhaps the most generic sandwich / coffee spot I have ever been in. In an enormous breach of Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast protocol, I did not write down the name of the place, and I don't really care to find it on Google Maps.

Dan: Hi Alex! Thank you so much for joining me today on Dan Glaser's Movie Podcast: The ONLY Podcast You Have To Read. After what we just went through together, let me just say I'm glad we are back on dry land and not in the ocean! Before we get started though, I just have one question: was Jonas right?!

Alex: Dan, thanks so much for having me. And I think if we learned anything over 1 hour and 52 minutes, it's that Jonas...was right.

Dan: I saw you check your watch constantly. At first I thought you were like an ocean diver, making sure you had enough oxygen left to survive. Later I realized that it was because this movie was still going on, even after they killed every possible shark.

Alex: I WISH I was an ocean diver, then maybe I would've been killed before this movie was over, like some of the lucky divers in "The Meg."

Dan: You mean like Toshi (RIP)?

Alex: I miss Toshi.

Dan: Toshi was a Japanese man who died early on and wrote a letter to his wife before he died and we never get to know if his wife got the letter. My assumption is...no.

She found out when this movie came out that he died. So I guess that is some closure.

Alex: But, the letter was handed to a Chinese man, so maybe?

Dan: Right but the Chinese man died in a boat so maybe eventually they find the letter in his pocket.

Alex: Oh right I forgot he also died. He didn't write a letter. Why did he die again? He just started bleeding from the mouth.

Dan: I think he died from GMIT. Generic Meg Induced Trauma. Lots of people die from GMIT in this movie. Meg just kind of flops around and people go flying. Later, some of them die from it.

Alex: Yes. Although, all the Hot Women survived, I believe. So that's good.

Dan: Yeah, Meg will sometimes eat you to death, and sometimes just flop around. His motivations are unclear throughout this movie. Lots of men sacrificing themselves for women in this movie, although if they paid attention they would see that the Meg is NOT INTERESTED in eating babes anyway.

Alex: Yes, very unclear what the Meg wants, why he (she? they sometimes referred to it as she) is behaving that way, why sometimes she can go on the boat, but sometimes boat means you're safe.

Dan: Hmm, yes I think by the end of this episode we will solve everything. Okay it's time to DIVE into this movie and what happens in it. I want to say that this movie really does have it all. Ships, boats, billionaires, submarines, harpoons, crazy rich asians, bombs, squids, yachts, Dwight, a child, an hinted interracial romance never consummated, a hacker, Toshi. Truly something for everyone. Also it is very bad.

Alex: A perfect summary. There were crazy rich asians! Which I was not expecting.

Dan: 2018 baby!

Alex: The year of the Asian.

Dan: If you believe in that zodiac stuff. Do you remember how this movie started? It was wild.

Alex: Umm I think with Jason Statham, and a bunch of bleeding men.

Dan: Correct, a bunch of men are bleeding on a submarine and there is smoke and fog and tilted camera angles everywhere. Jason Statham is running around and he and some other guys are "rescuing" the bleeders. Everyone is just yelling everyone's name for like 5 minutes. We don't know any characters at this point but that doesn't stop the script from looking like this:

"Jonas!"

"Heller!"

"Damon!"

"Jonas!!! Damon!!!"

"Heller??!!"

Tons of close ups on faces, screaming, sweating. Wow!

Alex: Oh I don't remember that! I remember one bleeding man screaming for help, then when help comes, he goes, "WHO ARE YOU?"

Dan: Oh yeah, hahaha. One of the bleeders yells "WHO ARE YOU?" At this point all we know is that he is probably Jonas, Heller, Damon, Miguel, or Meg.

Alex: Hahaha. But these men, they're dying. We're not meant to grow attached.

Dan: Well the point of all of this, is that after rescuing some of the bleeders, Jason Statham...senses (?) a giant shark outside the sub.

Alex: But we don't see anything.

Dan: He is like, "something is out there", and he takes the survivors and blasts off.

Alex: I also thought he was saying that he had to go back for people. So did he go back or did he not?

Dan: He was like, I gotta go back. Then they showed his CONFLICT on his FACE as he debated risking the lives of those already on the escape pod. This was A CHARACTER MOMENT.

Alex: Ohh I see. I was unclear what he decided, and thus unsure what we were supposed to know about his character.

Dan: This whole cold open really just exists so that some other minor characters can be mad at Jason Statham later, right?

Alex: Yes. Specifically Heller. Heller HATES Jason Statham. But the other characters forgave him and love him.

Dan: It makes no sense why people are mad at him for this (rescuing some bleeders but not all) but...they are.

Alex: Right, without him, they would all be dead. But it perfectly sets up the through line of the movie:

Are we supposed to toast to the people who we let die or to the people who we saved?

Dan: Alex, the place we are in right now...is so loud. I feel like I am back in the theatre (where it was also so loud).

Alex: It was very loud! But a small screen.

Dan: We are so lucky this is a podcast you have to read, instead of listen to.

Alex: Yes, I count myself lucky. The people here seem strange.

Dan: Yes, how would you describe the vibe here?

Alex: European Business Deal.

Dan: New York Background Extra Casual.

Business Tourist Training Seminar.

Alex: Haha yes, one hundred percent.

Dan: And then there's us!

Alex: If you can picture it!

Dan: Okay well the movie truly begins now, 5 years later...on Mana One! The deep sea research station with a crew of misfits and specialists who each only do one thing. I think Dwight, played by Rainn Wilson as Dwight, shows up on a helicopter and we are supposed to be like, who is this guy? What a weirdo.

He is greeted by Zhang, a Chinese Businessman type who might run the lab? IDK exactly what he does, and the movie never explains it. Unless you caught it?

Alex: No I don't know what he does. But his name is on all the equipment, and his daughter at one point refers to always aspiring to be like him? And she is an ocean diver (I think). So does that make him an ocean diver too?

Dan: Maybe she became an ocean diver in her youth to REBEL against him and now regrets it. Maybe he was a sky diver and she wanted to do the opposite.

Alex: I think that's it. Okay so we meet Zhang the skydiver. Then a woman and a young girl walk out, and he says "This is my daughter."

Dan: Yes we meet the whole Zhang family in one quick motion. The daughter also has a daughter you see.

Alex: Yes, the daughter is not the wife, she is the daughter who also has a daughter.

Dan: Everyone here is introducing themselves to each other by the way. It's weird. What is going on.

Alex: Dwight "speaks" Chinese.

Dan: Yes that's the first joke! He says nonsense in Chinese.

Alex: I feel like for most of the jokes in this movie, not even the people in the movie believe these are funny jokes.

Dan: Did you feel like there was a lot of "Asian Stuff" as humor in this movie? It was weird. Not because movies don't do that, they do, all the time. But because it also felt like this movie was funded and produced by and for an overseas audience and like...why still have that racist shit?

Alex: I guess so. There were a ton of Asian people in this movie, but it still felt like a very White movie. The White people drive the story.

Dan: Right. Like, the Thai cover of Oh Mickey You're So Fine or whatever was clearly a favorite joke of this movie. The joke being: listen to this craaaaaaaaazzy language.

Alex: It plays twice! Also, the one black character, oh boy.

Dan: Oh boy. Actually...let's go through the characters! They basically all get introduced right away, to Dwight, as he walks into the research lab.

We learn that Dwight is a "billionaire" who paid for "the lab." He is there to witness the big..uh..expedition, and he gets introduced to everyone. Let's go back and forth introducing characters.

Alex: Yes, unclear what Dwight stands to make in return. He meets Ruby Rose, whose hair is very wet.

Dan: Ruby Rose is playing a hacker / engineer and she looks like a Playstation 1 Cutscene. Her hair is always wet, especially when she falls off of the boats, but even when not.

Alex: I don't get the reference, but if this were an audio podcast, you would still hear me laughing along!

Dan: I'll find you a picture, one sec. She looked like this:

Alex: Yes there she is!

Dan: Great! Next up is...Mac! Mac is...the boss guy of the expeditions kind of. Not to be confused with Zhang, the boss of the station, or Dwight, the uh, other boss of the station.

Alex: I was very confused about Mac's position. There are so many people with jobs. And they all seem...bad at them.

Dan: Mac tried his best and also he was smart enough to call Jason Statham later (bet you thought he quit the biz after people got mad at him from the cold open).

Alex: I truly thought we'd seen the last of Jason Statham.

Dan: The vibe in this place we are in has shifted to Bugs And Wetness. Things on our table are just getting wetter, although nothing is dripping. Bugs are all around us now.

Alex: Also our wifi has run out, because we were only allowed to have two little slips of paper with 30 minutes of wifi on it. This is my favorite place in New York.

Dan: Okay so we have: Dwight, Zhang, Zhang's Daughter, Zhang's Daughter's Daughter, Ruby, Mac. Who's next?

Alex: DJ!

Dan: Oh. Yeah DJ.

Alex: I don't know his job.

Dan: He is the drone pilot. But the drone gets blown up like 5 minutes in so he has nothing to do for the rest of the movie. Except, well...you know. Be "comic relief".

Alex: Which felt more like a burden placed on all of us, most of all DJ.

Dan: This movie does a weird thing where Dwight, who is a literal billionaire weirdo also acts as the audience surrogate in a lot of scenes. "Uh guys, you want to do WHAT?! That's crazy!" That's a tough character to be empathetic towards, movie!

Alex: Yes, and he asks a lot of "Who's that?!" Which is promptly answered with "I'm the guy who..."

Dan: But also, DJ does this to, but in a more broadly racist caricature kind of way.

Alex: Yes. Both Dwight and DJ can't swim, but it's only funny when DJ is drowning.

Dan: Great, next up is...Heller, who we sort of know from the beginning.

Alex: He is the doctor.

Dan: Ya Heller is an old white doctor and his main thing is...hating Jason Statham.

Alex: I remember that because at one point, they need a doctor. This is the moment where Heller dies.

Dan: Isn’t it ironic? Great, now everyone is gathered around their work stations watching the mission. Do you want to try and explain this mission?

I refuse to try and explain this mission. You do it. I will be asking you questions, as if you designed this mission. PS I hope all the bugs in here aren't getting wet!

Alex: Yes the mission. We watch 3 crew members in a little submarine on a mission. It's Laurie, a very hot babe, Toshi, who is Franklin from Heroes, or maybe that was his name in Scrubs, and a hairy man who I think was named The Wall?

Dan: Toshi is Hiro from Heroes. And yes, the big Scandanavian guy is maybe named The Wall. We find this out posthumously. When someone is like, "we lost Toshi. We lost The Wall [?}"

Okay great, so rub a dub dub, 3 researchers in a tub. WHAT IS THE MISSION?

Alex: I thought I had misheard. But yes the character is billed only as The Wall. THE MISSION...is to explore. Oh wait! This was the mission.

So we THINK that the deepest part of the ocean is the Mariana Trench, as Zhang explains. But WHAT IF...IT'S NOT? So that's the mission.

Dan: Interesting...

Alex: And Dwight asks, what if you're wrong. And Zhang goes, then you just lost a billion dollars.

Dan: Dwight, by the way, expects this mission to pay off BIG TIME. Like, monetarily.

Alex: Yes he is very MONEY MOTIVATED. But it is never explained how money works in this world.

Dan: It is NEVER explained or even HINTED at how this will be a profitable endeavor. Like, even a throwaway line about how we sell tickets to an undersea amusement park. Or like, there will be new species we can sell as pets.

Alex: Right like wouldn't being the benefactor of scientific research, just lead to more knowledge and not getting his money back

Dan: "Everyone knows the Ocean King has offered a bounty of 20 Billion Dollars to whoever finds the deepest trench!"

Alex: Put that line in the movie! Zhang seems motivated by science, maybe.

Dan: Oh totally. Just generic science. I wrote down a Zhang line. A Zhang Zinger if you will.

Alex: Oh good! Yes. He references it at one point.

Dan: Someone says something is finally going their way. Zhang says, "It didn't go our way. Not for Toshi. And not for science" in all seriousness. Toshi dies by the way.

Alex: Yes Toshi's death is repeatedly referenced for the rest of the movie.

Dan: And the rest of this podcast. Toshi is also VERY japanese, we should mention.

Alex: Yes, accent and everything. A lot of other people die, but we don't talk about it.

Dan: Okay great so the mission is...go deeper. Turns out there is a layer of COLD at the bottom of this trench. People THOUGHT it was the bottom but what if you could go through the COLD and it was actually...100 feet deeper? It really was not much deeper than the cold layer. Just a rounding error.

Alex: I missed the reference to the cold until later on. Was that all that was stopping them? There is a man who looks very sad sitting next to Dan now. He's just staring off into the distance. It looks like he's been crying.

Dan: Don't stare, but maybe he just lost a friend. A JAPANESE friend. If you catch my drift. My TOKYO Drift.

Alex: Wow. He looks like Matt Bomer if you need a visual.

Dan: Okay let's fast forward. The mission to uh, Go DEEPER gets attacked by a giant shark.

Alex: But we still don't see it! The transmission just cuts out.

Dan: They say some shit like: "This ecosystem has been untouched for millions of years" or something. Because of the COLD layer. The ecosystem looks like Avatar Planet. They should have just sent Avatars on this mission, IMO.

Alex: I really don't remember much from this part of the movie it turns out.

Dan: They get bonked around and everyone on the surface is like, WELP gotta call Jason Statham.

Alex: Yes, so Zhang and Mac go find Jason Statham in Thailand.

Dan: It is here that he is getting drunk and owning a boat.

Alex: We have another CHARACTER MOMENT when a local Thai man accuses Jason of drinking too much. And Jason goes, you're only saying that because I have a beer in my hand right now. And then the man goes, do you know why you have a beer in your hand right now? Because you drink too much.

This is a character moment and a laugh moment, we assume. The Thai man is wearing a Yankees cap.

Dan: Classic Thai man! Turns out Jason Statham, Jonas to his friends, is the world's BEST diver rescuer guy but also he is retired. Great.

Alex: Oh brother!

Dan: Mac and Zhang try to get him to join the party but he says NO WAY, NICE TRY.

Alex: "Nothing you do can convince me."

Dan: Then they tell him his HOT EX WIFE is one of the researchers who is trapped. Checkmate.

Alex: Hook, line, and SINKER.

Dan: And this was BEFORE they had her take off her water suit so you could see her rockin bod. Imagine if they had that scene earlier!

Alex: Oh, I'm imagining.

Dan: The Meg, more like..the Legs.

Alex: That’s a good one. We're still so early on in the movie.

Dan: Hell yeah. Okay so at some point back at Sealab 2020 Zhang's daughter decides that she will go rescue everyone. Also she is a marine biologist.

Alex: Before Zhang's daughter leaves, she says goodbye to HER daughter, who she finds playing with toys in the hallway of the ocean station.

Dan: Jonas teleports to the lab and tries to rescue everyone too but in the process two IMPORTANT things happen.

1) Toshi dies.

2) Everyone sees a giant shark.

Alex: Finally, we see the shark! Jonas was right.

Dan: Both of these events will shape the rest of the movie, and dare I say, the rest of MOVIES from now on. Everyone screenplay for the next ten years will have what scholars will call a "Toshi dies" moment.

Alex: A bold statement, but one I stand by. Save the Toshi.

Dan: Save the cheerleader. Okay finally, everyone but Toshi is back in the big underwater habitrail. I literally forget what happens next.

Alex: Toshi dies sacrificing himself to save the rest of the team, by locking himself in the original submarine so the rest of them can blast off. BUT, because of the explosion, the COLD water is now WARM ENOUGH for SHARKS TO SWIM THROUGH. I think before we find that out, there's a big meeting.

Dan: By the way, these two girls behind you. It looks like one is reading a tiny black book to the other and the second one is just transcribing what she says? It's confusing.

Alex: Dwight explains how he's going to make money off the shark, which we now call the Meg, short for Mega something.

Dan: Oh yeah the meeting. Dwight LOVES this giant ass shark. LOVES that it exists. LOVES that they found it. Doesn't even bother to hint at why this will be profitable.

Alex: Yes, he is not scared at all or sad about Toshi.

Dan: Would it kill him to say, "Those shark Teeth alone will go for 100 billion on the black market” or "I can sell this Shark's DNA to the russians for TRILLIONS!"

Alex: He can't do it, he can't explain his methods. He just HAS money and will MAKE MORE of it.

Dan: This is also the meeting where they go to the wikipedia page for Megalodon and tell everyone the stats. It's BIG. It's MEAN. It EATS WHATEVER.

Alex: It's NOT SUPPOSED TO EXIST! Yet here we are.

Dan: I told you this on the way over here, but why couldn't they have had another throwaway line that says: "It's brain is super big!" That would explain away all sorts of stuff that it does that makes no sense. We can pretend it's super smart and has plans.

Alex: Yes it's very smart for never having seen anything besides the bottom layer of the ocean "under the cold layer" before.

Dan: Well, in any case, is it now that they decided to kill it? Or like, what happens next? Why are they all in a boat all of a sudden? Does it eat their friend whales first? (they have friendly whales at the station)

Alex: No Zhang's daughter's daughter is playing by herself in the ocean station again, and the shark sees her and tries to eat her. Rude.

Dan: You're telling me.

Alex: So now they realize the Meg has left the bottom of the ocean.

Dan: Oh we need to mention that there is a pointless romantic subplot between Jason Statham and Zhang's Daughter.

Alex: Yes. Everyone's on board with it. 

Dan: Like, she hates him at first for no reason. I guess she thinks he let Toshi die? Who knows. Anyway they flirt throughout the movie and it is pointless and toothless and there is no chemistry.

Alex: So now we're on a boat?

Dan: Yeah, I don't remember why? OH. LOL. I remember why.

Ruby is looking at a radar while she is explaining how the Meg escaped the cold and she sees that ships are getting eaten. So of course, they all get in a ship to go check it out.

Alex: Ohhh. We see a bunch of dead toy sharks in the water.

Dan: Yes it turns out these were shark poaching boats! That had been chopping off shark fins. And Meg ate the boats as an act of revenge.

Alex: The Meg knew to save its friends! The Toshi of sharks, if you will.

Dan: Also, let's just get this out of the way. There is more than one Meg. There. Now you know. Which actually raises more questions than it answers.

Alex: Yes. Feels inaccurate that the title of the movie is The Meg, and that the characters continue to refer to all the megs as The Meg.

Dan: Like, are the two Megs friends?

Alex: They had to have at least known each other.

Dan: They lived together under the COLD together for all those years and didn't eat each other.

Alex: Are they siblings?

Dan: Right like if you were a Meg you would at least notice another Meg. Meg recognize Meg. Also, these Megs are both super horny for food. How was anything in the trench ecosystem alive at all? They would have eaten all the critters and then each other. That's just marine biology.

Alex: Just ask Zhang's daughter.

Dan: Whatever, all our "heroes" are on a boat and they see A / The Meg's fin in the distance.

Alex: The Meg is just chilling.

Dan: They decide they have a two stage action set piece / plan to take it out.

Alex: Their plan right now is to put a tracker on it, because, "haven't you seen Shark Week?" Dwight sure has.

Dan: Step 1) Hit it with a tracking dart. Step 2) Inject it's mouth with a whole thing of poison.

Alex: Jonas has to put the tracker on it by himself, from within 100 feet.

Dan: This entire sequence, over the next 20 or so minutes, involves every character, one by one, accidentally falling off the boat and almost getting eaten. It is insane. This is not played for laughs. People just keep hanging out near the edge of this boat and then falling in.

Alex: Yes, it's already been established that the Meg can tear up a boat. But, each character, as they fall into the water and are then rescued, immediately assume they are safe as soon as they touch the boat.

Dan:  Alex, to be very clear: "IT'S ALREADY SHOWN AGGRESSION TOWARDS BOATS" Is what a character says.

Alex: That is a real line.

Dan: Some other real lines, or should I say REEL LINES:

"That living fossil ate my friend."

"This is what Toshi worked for."

"You might be a son of a bitch, but you're sure as hell no coward."

This last one is what Heller says after Jason Statham goes water skiing off the back of this boat to evade the Meg's chomps after harpooning it with a tracker.

Alex: Once the tracker is in place, they send Zhang's daughter into the water in a shark cage. Why her and not Jason Statham? Not that I don't believe women can fight sharks too, but it's already been established that her character "messes up."

Dan: They explain this. She knows where to shoot it. Because she is a marine biologist. "I'm gonna shoot it in the eye."

Alex: Right okay.

Dan: Now I know I said there were two Megs, but even with that knowledge, this movie plays it fast and loose with how big these things are and what they like to do.

Alex: Sometimes Megs are bigger than boats. Sometimes they're not. The boat has not changed.

Dan: Sometimes they go after lights, sometimes they go after "vibrations." Sometimes not.

Alex: Sometimes whale sounds.

Dan: Oh yeah the whale sounds.

Alex: Played from an iPhone I did really like the reveal of the second Meg. I thought for sure it was the end of the movie. And we would just have to wait for the sequel.

Dan: Yeah, shark poison works and Meg Jr dies.

Alex: They hang her up on the boat. The Wall takes a photo with her.

Dan: They string him up like at Universal Studios and everyone is taking selfies.

Alex: What gender is the meg?

Dan: Then They / Their older Sibling flops up and eats Them. And everyone goes flying off the boat again.

Alex: Yes. New Meg is bigger and better than ever. The Wall is dead. Ruby Rose is wet.

Dan: More like, The Fall. Off the boat.

Alex: Zing.

Dan: Zhang. I need to say this about the big meg reveal. The problem I have, is we already saw the Big Meg earlier in the movie.

Alex: Did we?

Dan: This whole scene was actually a mini meg reveal. Ya. The big meg is the first one that kills the giant squid. This little dork ass meg only shows up to revenge some shark poachers. IMO.

Alex: Ohhh interesting.

Dan: It's all very confusing, but that is my theory.

Alex: So there were two definitive sizes of Megs.

Dan: I believe so yes, at least.

Alex: Okay, I buy that.

Dan: Meg and Meg Plus 128gb.

Alex: Oh once everyone is in the water, GMIT gets Zhang. We need Heller, a doctor.

Dan: Zhang gets a bad case of GMIT yes.

Alex: Heller saves Ruby Rose by thrashing in the water, Heller is killed.

Dan: He turns to Ruby before he sacrifices himself and says "You're a good person." But like, they have never interacted in this movie and also do we think she is a bad person? Does she?

Alex: Truly makes no sense.

Dan: She looks like Aeon Flux in this movie.

Alex: DJ makes fun of her hair, even though it looks just as wet as ever.

Dan: Fire DJ. There I said it. Or at least, why bring him on this part of the mission?

Alex: He doesn't want to be there either!

Dan: He clearly doesn't want to be here. And his job is to drive the drone / rover that got blown up earlier.

Alex: He says "this wasn't part of the job description," a classic comedy line.

Dan: <Meg eats smaller Meg>

"I'll have what Meg's having!"

"Meg Ryan that is!"

Alex: Hahahaha.

Dan: Okay so...Mac finds a smaller boat that was hidden inside of the big boat and ...they all go back to Sealab? But first Dwight calls in a helicopter to tag the new big meg and shoot it with guns? I don't understand much of what Dwight does in this movie.

Alex: I understand that he is DUMB. He thinks he blows up the big meg, but it turns out it's just a WHALE.

Dan: Lol Alex, that isn't for like half an hour.

Alex: Is that not where we're at yet???

Dan: But we can skip to it, it literally doesn't matter. On the way back to sealab from their blown up ship, Dwight calls in the first helicopter just to distract the Meg and tag it.

Back at base he has another team meeting and his very apologetic and contrite. He says he is sorry that everyone is dead and that he has called the authorities in [list of asian countries] who will be sending in destroyers to blow up the Meg.

Alex: Asian countries and Australia.

Dan: Insert scenes of Jason Statham shirtless and flirting, etc etc.

Alex: Oh right I forgot about that. Jason Statham takes a shower, Zhang's daughter barges in.

Dan: Also his ex-wife is back to full health after getting a big metal thing thru her guts.

Alex: Right, she wants him to get with Zhang's daughter too.

Dan: Everyone does. Did you?

Alex: No. Did you?

Dan: Weird me neither. I think Heller should have gotten with Mac. Ruby and Ex Wife.

Alex: Sure, yes. It just seemed like Jason would repeat all his past mistakes with this new person. He hasn't learned anything.

Dan: I mean, totally. This is a monster in the house type of movie, not a hero's journey. He learns no lessons, and in fact everyone else learns the real lesson: Jonas was right.

Also how about Meg Jr and DJ. Jonas and The Woman who had a Fat Son On The Beach.

Alex: That I can get behind. Whoa, Jonas is an anagram of Jason. 

Dan: Jason Statham = Jonas Ham Tats?

Alex: Wow, so lucky they cast an actor who's a perfect anagram of the character. I can't believe there's more movie.

Dan: Yeah we are getting there though! First is Dwight's side movie: Zero Shark Thirty.

Alex: Hahaha.

Dan: This was one of the most confusing scenes in the movie.

Alex: Dwight goes after the shark himself, with a crew of new characters we haven't met.

Dan: He has a paramilitary mercenary group just like, on call. They have bombs and camouflage boats and all sorts of nonsense.

Alex: They bring a bunch of cartoon bombs.

Dan:  Yes big black bowling balls with inch thick rope fuses. They helicopter a big piano to drop on meg's head.

Alex: They hit it!

Dan: They lure Meg under a windowsill that has a big potted plant resting precariously over it.

Alex: Boy does Meg get pig's blood on her head during the big prom.

Dan: Dwight decides he wants to be in a tiny baby boat to get up close to see the action. They track Meg and drop these big dumb bombs on its head.

"Go get it's teeth!" Dwight commands to Sea Lion Team 6.

"But Dwight, it has no teeth! We must have bombed a whale instead!"

Truly so stupid.Anyway the Meg was hiding UNDER the WHALE and it comes up to eat everyone.

Alex: But Dwight!!!

Dan: It just eats dwight because...he fell off his boat. The real hero in this movie is boat shoes.

Alex: Also we see a bunch of whale guts.

Dan: Sperry's Topsiders save lives.

Alex: Is that what boat shoes are for? Grip? I didn't know they had extra traction on boats.

Dan: I have never been on a boat actually.

Alex: Really? You look like you'd fit in on a boat.

Dan: I'm just guessing. Or do you think it’s like, just easy on, easy off if you don’t want to wear sandals?

Alex: That's what I assumed but I'm not sure.

Dan: I'm like the DJ of my friend group. Can't swim and hate my job.

Alex: Hahaha. So the Meg is still on the loose.

Dan: Right. So Dwight dead. Back at HQ mac is like, Dwight lied to us! He DIDNT call; the cops he just went out to kill it himself! Jonason tells Ruby to hack Dwight's tracking device and she does that so now they know the Meg is heading to...Beach Party Summer!

Alex: Oh no!!! Also, beach party summer looks like hell There are too many people!

Dan: Beach Party Summer is described by one character as "the most densely populated beach" and ...they delivered on that promise.

Alex: There are no lifeguards and way too many people in the water.

Dan: The drone shot from above looked like a bowl of Froot Loops. Everyone had an inner tube. Everyone was screaming and flopping. Thousands of people. It looked horrible.

Alex: Big fan of this simile.

Dan: Somehow Meg knows about beach party summer.

Alex: Meg wants in.

Dan: All those millenia spent under the trench, dreaming of spring break. He has been in his room studying the whole time.

Alex: Time to cut loose. A fat little boy also wants to party.

Dan: Yeah what was his deal. Was he so that we care when anonymous asian beachgoers get eaten?

Alex: I'm not sure. Putting a human face on the hundreds of people who are about to die?

Dan: Do we need an anchor to feel sympathy?

Alex: Yes I think so.

Dan: I guess! Then why make him annoying?

Alex: He also has no name. When his mother calls out to him in Chinese, she just yells "child!"

Dan: To be fair to her, every character in this movie also called the meg, “The Meg”.

Alex: That's true. We still don't know Zhang's daughter's name.

Dan: That is on us, I feel. I know the granddaughter is...Meiling?

Alex: Meiying on IMDB.

Dan: Meiying makes sense. The sub is named Captain Bubbles.

Alex: There is a boat named Charlotte I remember

Dan: Jonas is named Jason. Well back at the luau, we get lots of, dare I say...too many, shots of Meg being SUPER SNEAKY. Meg is being so sneaky, creeping under swimmers and sunbathers and it goes on and on and on. We also get to see the wedding of the century!

Alex: Yes! Talk about Crazy Rich Asians. A woman with a dog named Pippin is getting married on a boat. Pippin jumps in the water and swims away. Towards the MEG!!!

Dan: Wow, now that's crazy!

Alex: Also, somehow the dog is able to just tread water for the rest of the movie, because as we find out...she survives!!!

Dan: That's what dogs do, Alex. They survive. They can survive nuclear bombs.

Alex: You can't kill a dog in a movie and expect the audience to still be on your side.

Dan: You can kill almost anything else. You can't kill a dog or a Meiying.

Alex: Just not hot babes or dogs. Yes also children.

Dan: And actually. Maybe you can't kill a Toshi either. Because I was NOT on the movie's side after that. Fatal mistake.

Alex: Yes. Kill The Wall. Save Toshi.

Dan: Fuck The Meg. Kill The Wall. Marry Toshi.

Alex: Agree.

Dan: Okay well the rest of the movie is....what?

Alex: I don't know, it just keeps happening. The team arrives.

Dan: The Meg eats a bunch of swimmers and the team has lots of little boats and guns? They distract the Meg, try to blow him up a few times.

Alex: There are news helicopters.

Dan: Hahahah Yes, there are news helicopters.

Alex: These might be the best part of the movie.

Dan: One just flies into another one for no reason. They just collide and explode.

Alex: They CRASH into the team's boat. Everyone is back in the water.

Dan: Just when you thought it was safe to be back on a boat…

Alex: I had just started feeling safe on the boat!

Dan: Okay before we get to the big climax, i need to add one thing. Throughout the movie, Meg(s) is/are always eating other smaller sharks. This is important because…

Jason's missile launcher is jammed and he has no way to blow up Meg. Instead, he drives his little submarine under its belly and cuts it down the middle, spilling Meg blood everywhere.

Alex: But that doesn't kill the Meg!

Dan: From all around, thousands of little sharks come in and start eating The Meg's ass...to death. Drawn by the smell of it's blood, they come to feast.

Alex: And also Jonas stabs it in the eye.

Dan: Oh yeah haha at one point Jonas is out of his sub for some reason and the Meg jumps straight into the sky like at Seaworld and Jonas stabs his eye. Then the babby sharks come and eat its ass.

Alex: Also, totally blows a hole in the "Attacking the shark poaching boat as revenge" plot point. It’s every shark for himself out there.

Dan:  I mean, also, there are thousands of sharks here at Beach Party Summer. Does not seem that safe even without the Meg. In fact, it did not seem safe even with no sharks at all!

Alex: Very good points!

Dan: People were flying around on jet skis and shit in the middle of people swimming.

Alex: And just way too far into the water.

Dan: They were miles out. At the end of this movie, the wedding yacht...rescues everyone who fell off the hero boat? What?

Alex: The fat child survives and finishes his popsicle though. Oh right. They toast with mugs of who knows what.

Dan: Mama Zhang and Jonas do NOT kiss. The end.

Alex: "Fin" as they say.

Dan: Oh yeah. That was actually a good joke.

Alex: The only one. Not a second too soon.

Dan: Before the credits come up it says Fin on screen, like a french movie. But also it's like a shark fin.

Alex: The credits also go the opposite direction. They sink down instead of scrolling up.

Dan: Yeah that fucked me up.

Alex: I was just glad it was over

Dan: Knocked me on my ass.

Alex: The Oh Mickey You're So Fine song plays again in Thai.

Dan: Great.Was The Meg, the creature...scary?

Alex: No. I did jump once. But it was a whale.

Dan: One thing that IS nice about deep sea stuff is it is so cloudy that you can get away with jump scares as if it were pitch black. 

Alex: Oh I did like that when the movie started, I FELT like we were underwater.

Dan: In fact, when Daughter Zhang is in the shark cage getting ready to poison little Meg, her crewmates were on deck telling her how far away the Meg was. But they didn’t actually tell her which direction it was coming from, which was mean. So she just had to keep spinning around, terrified.

Alex: Oh right, that was mean. They had a tracker but they didn't tell her.

Dan: Rude.

Alex: A lot of rude people in this movie. Not Toshi though.

Dan: Well we made it through, but did we cover everything? Anything we missed, or that you want to mention before we get to the BIG QUESTIONS?

Alex: I think we covered everything of substance.

Dan: Oh wait, I want to say that throughout this whole movie, Jason Statham sounded like he was doing this whole thing via ADR. Like he was doing voice over work for his own lines.

Alex: Hahaha.

Dan: He sounded so different than everyone else and it was confusing. Okay glad I got that off my chest. Here we go! What were your 3 favorite things about The Meg (The Movie)?

Alex: I liked Meiying's light up shoes.

The one shot where we go from underwater to above water. It's the shot right at the beginning, before it says "The Meg."

And the Fin title card at the end.

Dan: Wow beautiful. For me:

1) I liked that they truly thought no one in the audience would have any questions about how this research station was going to make money for Dwight. They didn't even try to cover or hint at this and that is BOLD filmmaking.

2) I thought Meiying was precocious enough to be a movie character, but not in an as annoying as could be expected way.

3) I am excited to make a supercut of Every Time Someone in The Meg Falls Off A Boat.

Next! If you could change one thing about this movie, what would it be?

Alex: I would have it end right after the New Meg eats Meg Jr.

Dan: Wow. This might sound crazy, but what if instead of New Meg getting eaten by thousands of baby sharks when it gets it's stomach sliced open, thousands of BABY MEGS come swimming out. The BABY MEGS swim onto land and grow feet. Jason Statham's eyes go wide and he says, "Oh SH-"

‘FIN’

Alex: That is legitimately making my skin crawl right now.

Dan: Spooky huh? Last but not least, if you could rename this movie, what would you call it?

Alex: The Megs.

Dan: Wow. I'd go with: Crazy Fish Asians or Jurassic Shark

Alex: Hahaha two perfect titles.

Dan: Alex, thank you so much for being here today and talking with me about the most important movie of the year. Any last words for our fans?

Alex: I actually have a lot of thoughts on how Crazy Rich Asians is directly better in its treatment of Asians, but thoughts for another day.

Dan: Same. And wow, I know you said you've seen it 5 times already and are seeing it a 6th time today. Would you want to see it a 7th time for this podcast? Interesting opportunity…

Alex: I would!

Dan: Wow! Stay tuned folks, and remember...That living fossil ate my friend!

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